WARNING: Swearing, Suicidal events, and death. Read at your own comfort. <3
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Separation
Separation - The Playlist
Written by: A.E.T.
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Crispin
Jamie. There is so much to say about him. He’s been there from the start. He always helped me with schoolwork, my parents fighting all the time, my sister killing herself. You know, I feel like I've caused all the issues in my family. Ever since I told my sister that I felt like the world is crumbling down on me, it’s been hard. Mom and Dad found out, and that drove Veronica insane. That’s when we found her in her room with her face in her pillow with a note that had two words scribbled across it; I’m sorry. I’ve never in my entire life blamed Veronica for anything that has happened to me. But she had to deal with me. And when it all got too much, she fell, dropping the broken pieces of building and glass on me.
Mom called me from downstairs, telling me to get up for the eighth time already today. I stomped my foot on the floor, letting her know I was awake while I stretched. The mirror in my room reflected the thing I hated the most. My messy bed head. Sure, I hate myself, but I’ve never thought about killing myself, I don’t think so at least. After dressing in a cream-colored flannel and light blue ripped jeans, I faced the battle of my hair. This battle has been occurring since the day I could style it. Today, I lost the fight, my brunette curls winning against all seven of my brushes. Aunt Mollie got them all for me, saying that she once had to tame her hair. She hasn’t tamed it. Her hair looks like an angry Phoenix is resting on her head. Sure, it’s pretty sometimes but then you have to sit and question if she’s mentally stable enough to wear her hair the way she does.
My high tops tapped against the steps as I hopped down with my bag plopping onto the floor. Mom hurried over to the coffee pot, calling for it like a god. Dan, Mom’s husband, strode over to her with a smile, resting his hands on her hips. Love makes me sick. Chris ran down the stairs and jumped between them, saying he needed help with putting his shirt over his head. This kid, I swear. They ignored I existed of course and just gave him the attention he continued begging for. Dan put my thermal cup on the counter filled with my coffee. I only liked him because he’s pretty damn good at making my coffee. I chewed on the inside of my lip while walking down the street, thinking about my dream. For a long time, I’ve been having these dreams about someone with a blurry face just talking to me. I don’t know them; I don’t think so. The people in our dreams are just given faces of the people that we know.
Kids chased each other down the street, laughing and giggling at each other. I hate this peaceful and happy neighborhood. Music made me jump the second it blasted into my ears. The world stopped moving around me as I instantly got lost in the music. Fire burning in my thoughts and rain pouring in my eyes. I felt everything that wasn't happening. One More I Love You echoed in my head, making me close my eyes. This song, this damn song. I laughed while running across the street to reach the school parking lot. I wish I got one more, but sometimes not all of us are lucky enough for that. The second I turned my phone off, Riley came into my view, waving frantically. I slightly raised my hand, taking my headphones off. He messed up my hair, making me want to punch him. He laughed, putting his arm around my shoulder, pulling me along as he walked.
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I knew that this is what he wanted. He told me we would always be friends, but he's left me behind so many times. I've hurt him in ways no one else has. The second my lips touched his, I panicked and made him freak out too. He hates me, why wouldn't he? The orange pill bottle rolled in my hands.
I drink to thee. Juliet said that for Romeo. Romeo loved her and she loved Romeo, but my Romeo doesn't love me. I uncapped the bottle of water and downed all 34 of the remaining pills and watered them down. I sent Riley a long paragraph that I never sent. All I remember is my body falling to the floor and the world beginning to spin. It might be okay to want to die. Maybe it’s okay to fall in love and end up hated by them. Maybe. . .
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Riley - - -
Crispin’s mother, Charlotte, called me while she cried. I could barely make out what she was trying to say. He’s dead. That’s all I could hear. Two entire months I’ve been gone for college and he pulls this. Chadwick called the jet for me, already setting course for the airport by their house. The second the steps hit the ground, I ran, my jacket flying off. My hair that once stayed slicked back gelled and clean, now a mess blowing in the wind. My fist banged on the green down that scared me. She opened the door, sirens growing closer. I hugged her tightly, Dan standing behind her, arms crossed and a stern look on his face. Chris tapped away on an iPad, not knowing what happened. I gently pulled away from her and ran up the stairs, locking Crispin’s door behind me. His body lay there still on the floor. His phone screen is still awake. I sat beside him, beginning to read it.
“I love you. It’s that hard to say. I died because my love got to me. You left because you hate me, right? I feel like a failure to you. I’m this mess that you’ve tried to fix so many times but I stay broken. You can’t fix me, and that pisses me off. What the hell is wrong with me, Riley? This is how I say goodbye. That’s fine though. I bet you never really cared. You’re rich now and you’re cooler than me. If I'm dead, you don't have to worry about that. You'll find out and shrug it off. I love you Riley. You’re the only person who really cared. You were always there. I’m sorry for being me. I’m dead now, so it shouldn’t be an issue.” He always left his phone on and turned the shut off time off. Tears fell onto his brown hair as I pulled him close, kissing the top of his head. He had glorious hair. I loved his eyes, voice, laugh, smile, style. . .I loved him. Dad would’ve killed me if he found out that I had feelings for a guy. I’m really a failure covered up by money. The door came flying off the hinges, men trying to pull me off of his dead body. I cried more, calling for him. Shit, I really suck.
Instead of wearing black, I wore the outfit that Crispin liked the most. Sure, everyone looked at me funny, but when I stood at the pedestal to speak, everyone understood.
“Crispin was an amazing guy. My best friend. I thought he was like my brother but really it was more than that. I loved him. I thought that maybe if I ran away I would protect him from my feelings. He was a gift to all, even those who didn’t deserve him. I felt like a balloon soaring high in the sky whenever he smiled. Crispin had always told me when his days were hell and when he felt like crying. He cried to me a lot. Especially when his sister died. They were close. Closer than him and I were. I was terrified of his sister because she was this tall girl that threatened my life if I hurt him. The thing is, I hurt him and I didn’t know I did until I held him in my arms. Both these two were amazing and still are. Just because they aren’t walking on this Earth now, doesn’t mean that they’re gone. Sure, I wish they were both here, but wishing won’t bring you anywhere. Crispin said that wishes were stupid and useless. He always told me he wished for a new family each day. One that felt like his.” I cleared my throat, holding back tears. At this point I wasn’t even reading off the paper I had typed up at two in the morning.
“Crispin had nothing against Dan, but he didn’t like him that much. One day he told me it was because he always wore ties. Then, I went into Dan’s closet and grabbed all the ties and tried every single one on. He stopped hating Dan for the ties. Crispin’s dad made him feel like crap. He never hit him or anything but he’s this big guy that scared him. He used to smile all the time and hug him but then it changed when his parents split up. When Chris was born, Crispin told me he feared being replaced. I told him it’s okay to feel like that when you’re dealing with a new baby in the house. I would always call him the Charelson Baby, but he never liked it. When his dad started dating, Crispin stopped visiting. He thought his parents were replacing each other, and he hated it. Sometimes I snuck out of the house and stayed in Crispin’s room all night, just to get him to sleep. There were also times when he would come to my house to get away from his fighting parents. I loved Crispin. Many people did, but they were too scared to tell him. But of course now that he’s dead we know how much we really loved him.” I bowed my head and stepped away, tears instantly falling down my cheeks. Everyone clapped, knowing that my speech was the last. Soon, people walked around and began talking. I sat outside on the roof of the building, letting the wind sting my face.
We used to do this. Cry and let the wind blow us around. I never cried around him unless I felt like I was falling apart. I’m falling apart. The world feels empty without him. Does he know? Does he know that I’m dying without him? Mom sent me a text saying that she wouldn’t be able to pick me up, which was fine. I wanted to walk anyway. After hopping off the roof and beginning to walk down the street, I saw him. Maybe it wasn’t really him, but I knew that messy hair. I looked around. No one. I walked over and called for him. We sat on the sand, listening to the waves. Hallucination is a significant factor in losing someone, but I don’t hate it. We didn’t talk, just sat there and watched the clouds.
“Riley?” I heard from my left, seeing Chris stand with his eyes full of tears. Crispin was gone. I waved Chris over, holding him on my leg. He cried into my shirt, sniffling. I held his small hand and smiled.
“You wanna know something?” I asked him, tilting my head.
“What?”
“Separation is okay. You can always get through it. It might not feel like that. . . but you will eventually. We still have him with us. He’s here. He’ll watch over us and take care of us. Separation is scary but we’ll figure it out. You’ll be okay.” I sniffed, wiping my eyes. We sat there, watching the sunset, Crispin sitting beside us. Yeah, Separation is okay. Because they’re never really gone.
☰
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AN: AHH! This actually is just something I thought of and wanted to share with all of you, like said in my blog, I'll post it on my profile and will update it whenever I add to the story. Thank you my loves <3 130Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaAlOtScI8R
-A.E.T.
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