No Plagiarism!cfdff5hHlbIkxwxXLFyOposted on PENANA 書本名稱:雨過天晴 (底下藍字為作品連結)8964 copyright protection416PENANAX425rLBLlH 維尼
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作者:凌語420Please respect copyright.PENANA5xPFyON8Fo
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420Please respect copyright.PENANA4cLdpmTY0W
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評文範圍:全文 (粗估大概兩千六百字上下) 上、下、番外8964 copyright protection416PENANAnZgapYPG5p 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA2lMo6kGZ2a
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◇8964 copyright protection416PENANAB3XdOarkxS 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAFbvohBOvUR
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我覺得在評這篇作品以前,我想要先來定義一下我對於小說長短的分類8964 copyright protection416PENANA4cEZabvFbX 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAHYoHpqgyK5
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首先四千字以內的部分是極短篇8964 copyright protection416PENANASR4EAWfa6N 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANACIIZ2nt12U
8964 copyright protection416PENANAFpSn5KGPTM 維尼
八千字以內的故事是短篇8964 copyright protection416PENANAT7DFkwt5Lr 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAIZuQvO0LDP
8964 copyright protection416PENANAnv0u6YPT3R 維尼
五萬字以內的是中長篇8964 copyright protection416PENANAI7dffDDzff 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAOD0ktby3KK
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八萬以內的故事是長篇(雖然我知道這不算長)8964 copyright protection416PENANAf8f4GSX7Kw 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAOVrDh1Z1xv
8964 copyright protection416PENANA8xFjzvwD3P 維尼
八萬字以上的就是達實體出版字數要求的作品8964 copyright protection416PENANAIrXBvCHul3 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAEbMqmGYEei
8964 copyright protection416PENANARZ593NmDUC 維尼
(八萬到十五萬字是一般實體書籍字數,也就是一般我們手上拿的一本書的字數)8964 copyright protection416PENANAwyUP86MDX0 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAWKWyJpDV9M
420Please respect copyright.PENANAplPEUFinhd
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這篇由凌語作著的《雨過天晴》就是屬於極短篇的範圍。8964 copyright protection416PENANAAyahcWqY2r 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAhjWj4ncrvI
420Please respect copyright.PENANATgPJOZDA1R
8964 copyright protection416PENANAYwCZkvKPOJ 維尼
|故事簡介8964 copyright protection416PENANARA503wJQm1 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA3QJymHkyyY
8964 copyright protection416PENANAmJogA4hzxc 維尼
#摘錄自《雨過天晴》上篇貼文page68964 copyright protection416PENANAW8Xo8fr33c 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA5KI64ivKA1
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換上嶄新的畫布,拉開窗簾,顧綵盯著窗外灰暗的天空,以水彩調和如出一轍的色調,用力的潑灑、塗抹著。8964 copyright protection416PENANAq9K4vwlhbP 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAAAUF4Mcp2R
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420Please respect copyright.PENANAmM2n2IgN9X
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嶄新的畫布、盯著窗外灰暗的天空、用力,彷彿可以感受到顧綵的心聲,她不想要現在這個樣子,她用力的潑灑、揮手落筆。以為只要自己畫下一場細雨落落,那麼心間的綿霂雨聲可以就此止歇。8964 copyright protection416PENANANP2AFZcIvX 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAKApDjZfsBz
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可是沒有用的,還是好痛。8964 copyright protection416PENANAktrVkNZfZg 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAPykn1Ecnyi
8964 copyright protection416PENANAr6RF2Eq8S4 維尼
「如出一轍的色調」、「作過千百次的畫」被她『隨手』撕下。8964 copyright protection416PENANA8q4AbJwtBw 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAs0hrbKjEfw
8964 copyright protection416PENANAhvhJWOnQSN 維尼
在自己扎心的痛楚中險些溺斃的她,沒有注意到杵在門外的他。8964 copyright protection416PENANAtngquWGoVd 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAWXD0WBkfNz
420Please respect copyright.PENANAdcQXbl2f4s
8964 copyright protection416PENANAgYQJfXzjRZ 維尼
這是一場遇見、不負遇見的故事。8964 copyright protection416PENANA3mGkfyl3Ce 維尼
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420Please respect copyright.PENANAP91SONxayk
420Please respect copyright.PENANARGbt55sz1Q
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「雖然不知道發生了什麼,但願早日雨過天晴。」8964 copyright protection416PENANAs4ucfca5M9 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAMTW7klZmo3
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-摘錄自《雨過天晴》上篇貼文page78964 copyright protection416PENANAxxgxq4laW8 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANARNBfsbn7BU
420Please respect copyright.PENANAciSMtZIEqU
8964 copyright protection416PENANAJ1Y2drEKiP 維尼
|作者文筆特色8964 copyright protection416PENANABTqdCDNEEP 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAW4Mz5BW7xk
8964 copyright protection416PENANAOBBGXy0V97 維尼
作者善用意象、象徵,故事全篇角色情緒與帶入感都表現的不錯,雨過天晴的意境貫徹始終。8964 copyright protection416PENANAm39LygkTfw 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANArpGNXo03YP
8964 copyright protection416PENANAYS00IMNXaK 維尼
在作者的筆下,雖然不知道導致主人公如此的起因,但卻也可以清晰地感覺到顧綵的糾結,以及「渴望雨過放晴」。8964 copyright protection416PENANA3AQtGaQ6c3 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANABNASMJshax
8964 copyright protection416PENANAAf9ov5aSt3 維尼
就像我前面說的作者善用意象、象徵,故而使得筆下的故事充滿著文藝感,讀者閱讀時也會感受到作者對於文字塑造的美感。8964 copyright protection416PENANAC3HkWtwjaa 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAmSmM4lX6tD
8964 copyright protection416PENANApTEbsUOFgH 維尼
作者的筆風是比較像是輕文學(不是輕小說),能輕鬆閱讀且引人回味、稍稍感慨。8964 copyright protection416PENANAO6u8XRA8YZ 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAwGMeyL8yl7
8964 copyright protection416PENANAOn6xbsVFtc 維尼
多次的時間切換中卻不會讓讀者混亂,小說節奏掌握的極佳,是一篇完整度頗高的極短篇。8964 copyright protection416PENANAH1gvP71caM 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAS76pRxOGIj
420Please respect copyright.PENANAYUt3TlelvC
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|故事起頭:落筆方向性明確,不過仍有些可以改進的地方8964 copyright protection416PENANA8Dt8TI81WG 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAkvQfxwUt1m
8964 copyright protection416PENANALjydHInyBe 維尼
極短篇的篇幅如其名「極短」,所以下筆時最忌諱沒有方向性,不知所云、讓人感到迷惘。不過作者落筆的方向性十分明確,她很清楚的知道自己要往哪裡施力。8964 copyright protection416PENANA3sO0UVCQiR 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAA9acvYhVoV
8964 copyright protection416PENANA4hlHv9CX5D 維尼
第一次看過去的時候我認為,其作品本身的可讀性是高的,是屬於那種可以輕鬆閱讀的行文(這是優點),但我在第二次細讀的時候卻好像總覺得沒有到很通順。8964 copyright protection416PENANAgZlEMZzykm 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA8yvUVp72Zm
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第三次閱覽的時候我愣然發現其實是作者的筆墨不夠俐落,假若作者可以改進這個問題,文章流暢感會更上一層樓。8964 copyright protection416PENANApkqgqz1EmT 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAccH4gV2ljQ
8964 copyright protection416PENANAzagfrOPfX1 維尼
雖說接下來的內容也許我會被認為是在雞蛋裡挑骨頭,但這都說我基於作者在極短篇的程度早已脫離初學者的範疇所給出有點吹毛求疵的見解。8964 copyright protection416PENANAEKJdgKKvdQ 維尼
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420Please respect copyright.PENANA74NEKvQTpH
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#摘錄自《雨過天晴》上篇貼文page28964 copyright protection416PENANArEDAA2xsNf 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA2wpcK7zBXj
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「我只是覺得,有些心煩事,不畫下來,似乎就會永遠停駐在心上,但常常,反而越畫越悶。」少女坐在畫布前,淡藍制服上衣上繡著學號,下身搭配深色及膝裙,然而,這身洋溢著青春氣息的裝扮,卻被憂鬱到欲哭的神情襯得沉重。8964 copyright protection416PENANAABy8Baqp7A 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA2vKMBzdyht
8964 copyright protection416PENANAWJvdk6bLm3 維尼
「那麼,畫些能讓你開心的吧。」少年移動腳步,又往她挨近了些,眉宇間夾帶藏不住的溫情,他拉住少女的右手,柔和的引導,先沾點橘黃,在一片灰濛的景色中,添上一顆,閃閃發亮的太陽。8964 copyright protection416PENANAKKAyMK9UqJ 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA1L3lLTqfGS
8964 copyright protection416PENANAo8ikp9ciOJ 維尼
「畫顆太陽,不是就能雨過天晴了嗎?」 周煦,如太陽般的少年,牽動唇,輕哂道。8964 copyright protection416PENANAYE68lez3db 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAzteHDVBIfA
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420Please respect copyright.PENANAdCGisUK0zI
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(i) 第一句主人公說話時,不斷使用逗號的斷句讓這句對話讀起來的割裂感太重了。8964 copyright protection416PENANADGeeWd7FgK 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAUAnWQpviIu
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(ii) 文中「又往她挨近了些」的「又」在此使用不合理。8964 copyright protection416PENANART3q2ccBCU 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA7j0QtOBY5R
8964 copyright protection416PENANA8Euk6kI9Mi 維尼
(iii) 文中「移動腳步,又往她挨近了些」也存在邏輯錯誤,既是「移動腳步」就是一段距離,而「挨近了些」是非常小段的距離,並不需要移動腳步。8964 copyright protection416PENANA0XUawOa6WA 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA09Qqb1R5gh
8964 copyright protection416PENANAcvtHNHlwbS 維尼
以下是我順過的內容僅供參考:8964 copyright protection416PENANAYh3ixgWNs6 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAyRnZEvc4Wr
8964 copyright protection416PENANA8woEUSE3xC 維尼
「我覺得有些心煩事不畫出來,似乎就會永遠停駐在心上,但畫了下來卻總越畫越悶。」少女坐在畫布前,一身洋溢青春氣息的制服與百摺校裙卻被她憂鬱低落的神情襯得沉重。8964 copyright protection416PENANAnreJ4JQhTx 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANApgf6BuFv5b
8964 copyright protection416PENANAyu09GN3z7M 維尼
「為什麼不畫點開心的事呢?」少年輕笑,往她挨近些。眉宇間有著藏不住的溫情,拉住少女握住畫筆的手。8964 copyright protection416PENANAZ17sEehIHd 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAtjyILlxqJX
8964 copyright protection416PENANArK62L1GD2k 維尼
在一片灰濛的色調中,點上一顆,足以掃去細雨陰霾的太陽。8964 copyright protection416PENANAebjIs2cnTW 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAJB2AEF4zMh
8964 copyright protection416PENANAeXYkB20Evv 維尼
「畫顆太陽,不是就能雨過天晴了嗎?」 周煦,如太陽般的少年,牽動唇,輕哂道。8964 copyright protection416PENANAtvqmTFrusm 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAsdiVswb7pM
8964 copyright protection416PENANAWGxObwhUym 維尼
我的想法:8964 copyright protection416PENANAHGHdzdPPe9 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANANKfpZeNHeh
8964 copyright protection416PENANA3vkpIO0smN 維尼
不合理的斷句是我也會犯的錯誤(此處不合理指的是現實中不會有這樣的對白斷句),有時候會因為想要強調,或者說覺得這樣斷句會有文學上的美感,但時常帶入情境後會發現這樣的手法並不是很恰當,會造成讀者在閱讀中的不通順感。8964 copyright protection416PENANAqCy382eEl2 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAQge5ohfbh4
8964 copyright protection416PENANAc4LtcHBxW8 維尼
我覺得無論是怎樣長度篇幅的文章,用字下的精確都是可以讓筆墨更上一層樓的關鍵8964 copyright protection416PENANArUaU9wXRdT 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANABchOEsEqho
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420Please respect copyright.PENANArejUSJsBdk
8964 copyright protection416PENANAanej7sUfhQ 維尼
在一片灰濛的景色中,添上一顆,閃閃發亮的太陽。8964 copyright protection416PENANAfse0xKdsF4 維尼
>>8964 copyright protection416PENANA5WEgKwX3cX 維尼
在一片灰濛的色調中,點上一顆,足以掃去細雨陰霾的太陽。8964 copyright protection416PENANAcby2aiFdSL 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAlnTr0tX3qc
8964 copyright protection416PENANAbH5nZkjt0p 維尼
上面是作者的原文內容,下面是若是我來執筆會寫的句子。8964 copyright protection416PENANA60A6YdX8Kw 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAi6GghHopg4
8964 copyright protection416PENANATkyVtEo7Ow 維尼
沒有說誰寫的比較好,這段我只是多提供一個另外一種的版本,算是一種交流。8964 copyright protection416PENANAu3WF9pOpdB 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAmyApcn9i6h
8964 copyright protection416PENANA7x8U6fAL3K 維尼
作者的筆法強調的是周旭如陽的耀眼,而我是參考作者在文內所提供的「雨過天晴」的意境。8964 copyright protection416PENANAlGT5KmZHvG 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAWn1WDq5ccx
8964 copyright protection416PENANA5CNS5VfWPS 維尼
-8964 copyright protection416PENANAI2GFuX9QBj 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA4zg7UH4QLf
8964 copyright protection416PENANA2jDH1mgfVQ 維尼
「畫顆太陽,不是就能雨過天晴了嗎?」 周煦,如太陽般的少年,牽動唇,輕哂道。8964 copyright protection416PENANAyliXQ0gadc 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAKj6tehH5IM
8964 copyright protection416PENANAQrziZQE69c 維尼
我認為第一頁以這一段結尾非常好「『畫顆太陽,不是就能雨過天晴了嗎?』」 這一句有足夠的份量作為這一段的收尾。8964 copyright protection416PENANAYwI7IaVCx3 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA32BM9Gc0BV
420Please respect copyright.PENANA2ZvUvbv2c5
8964 copyright protection416PENANApugynRpobx 維尼
|上篇page3,4 過渡區平穩發揮,轉折張力的氣氛描寫佳8964 copyright protection416PENANAwETbu3qY9p 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANADzk1qITAkz
8964 copyright protection416PENANAewMPbERag7 維尼
我很喜歡文中的「又得,一個人了嗎?」這段,雖然說我仍舊認為此段的逗號讓這句無力感的悲慟變得有些不乾脆,不過此處的割裂感就沒有那麼強了,反倒是作者在這裡的映襯手法深得我心。8964 copyright protection416PENANAtHCmbQHM0X 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA2cfCannOaO
8964 copyright protection416PENANAKAeIR0craS 維尼
老舊木門、桌椅散亂、顏料款式眾多卻紛雜不已、被丟得胡亂的畫布……一直到「會來此作畫的,可能就只有她了吧。」作者用了這些元素來烘托出主人公的落寂感。8964 copyright protection416PENANA4RAb7H955P 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAvnfc5Yc3ju
8964 copyright protection416PENANAuuxMOXsJSF 維尼
另外,在我反覆閱讀此段的時候,我赫然發現作者在描寫顧綵進入五樓美術教室時,運鏡表現的超級合理───8964 copyright protection416PENANAFU1L725siO 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAdYBxMZ1Bp6
8964 copyright protection416PENANA4B4Zf7x3fJ 維尼
首先我們打開一間房間(教室)的時候,反射性的都是先看這個空間中間的部分(美術教室中間通常是桌椅,這邊不討論門一打開是講桌的特例),再來是看見周邊的櫃子,最後才會看到旁邊的地板與門邊。8964 copyright protection416PENANAAOe09oxh5G 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAHGnImgYIeY
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魔鬼藏在細節裡啊!8964 copyright protection416PENANAYGy6Gv2wzt 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAKszVXrAwZn
420Please respect copyright.PENANAX5MXIq2PsW
8964 copyright protection416PENANAd6H3rMN3xZ 維尼
|理所當然的話語,卻有濃厚的「救贖感」8964 copyright protection416PENANAU04gyApsyP 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAch6pYFIToa
8964 copyright protection416PENANAUyYnf0Dm4a 維尼
#摘錄自《雨過天晴》上篇貼文page68964 copyright protection416PENANAdhiEBrjfbx 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAilPL4Wgpjo
8964 copyright protection416PENANAT8UhAy7Rha 維尼
「不會有永遠下不完的雨。」8964 copyright protection416PENANAGLkigSTvVo 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANATkKXftoh27
8964 copyright protection416PENANA7gPylTtXFg 維尼
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我認為一句理所當然的話語,在不同的情境下,其所有的份量想必也是不同的吧。8964 copyright protection416PENANA0y4uUEKZLI 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAyyfq23FXek
420Please respect copyright.PENANAi5d6UN3EkS
8964 copyright protection416PENANA0StHLqyOnj 維尼
|收尾:極短篇永遠的短版8964 copyright protection416PENANAHPK65pQPCL 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAS2n8jlja7U
8964 copyright protection416PENANACPbAUS2UYq 維尼
每當我看極短篇的時候,看到結尾時其實我心裡都是掙扎的,因為結局比起其他篇幅的故事,極短篇通常都是在開頭的時候都註定好的。8964 copyright protection416PENANAz0hw9EyXWS 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAnlvI9yjYyK
8964 copyright protection416PENANAdHpYvPdDah 維尼
大概就是讀者們早就知道作者會如何讓這個故事點下句點,對於結局的感想總是會格外苛刻。8964 copyright protection416PENANANDAGx3CyFV 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAC4ppf4RbYb
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而這篇《雨過天晴》在收尾的部分並沒有犯什麼錯,不過我也必須要老實說,在收尾的這個階段也著實沒有什麼亮點。8964 copyright protection416PENANAGTwEhY62o4 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAz3xwYlTkw1
8964 copyright protection416PENANAoKkGVuQC2W 維尼
但顧綵也已經知道,時雨爾後就是天晴。8964 copyright protection416PENANAqw59kMJpzx 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAqPhXFHzSe8
8964 copyright protection416PENANARo4lfaZxjL 維尼
我想寫到這裡,無論是作者本人,還是任何讀者又或是在寫著這篇評文的我,都已經滿足了。8964 copyright protection416PENANARzOjU4wshy 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANABvZy0mqynD
8964 copyright protection416PENANAfm8ZuQyxxd 維尼
|格外想提出的小問題8964 copyright protection416PENANAkcSf6hbCQy 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAmG6jBW73jR
8964 copyright protection416PENANA64NGvR0kuf 維尼
(i) 句號不一定要打在一段句子的最後面,段落中也可以有句號8964 copyright protection416PENANAEdL6C2kzcB 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAkPEISKhTiK
8964 copyright protection416PENANAMnbPI94i92 維尼
(ii) 有時有冗言贅字,寫完故事的時候可以從頭到尾、一個一個字來看通不通順8964 copyright protection416PENANA3aVGxyABHA 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAz0D7Yx3cwc
8964 copyright protection416PENANAHJmk17gHNk 維尼
(iii) 番外篇周旭與母親的處理上略顯含糊,不過因為是番外所以此問題可略。8964 copyright protection416PENANApS42dJQcaj 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAwkVXBsDD8j
420Please respect copyright.PENANAgWjQZrgTCU
8964 copyright protection416PENANAF2R9c9cKP0 維尼
|我的個人心得8964 copyright protection416PENANAS2RvD1RmiZ 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAqLT8ARyKdY
8964 copyright protection416PENANAYNBjzWaZbf 維尼
首先萬分感謝凌語給我這個幫她所撰寫的《雨過天晴》評文的機會。8964 copyright protection416PENANAIGLGQ7wPD3 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAMVQAM2rGgx
8964 copyright protection416PENANA6XAxGSk5la 維尼
極短篇其實算是我的弱項,在限定的字數內完成作品,對於作者在節奏感的掌握是必要的,我覺得我來寫極短篇的話或許完整度比不上凌語就是了。8964 copyright protection416PENANAZnYYNrcbLS 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAVO9ut7Wc3r
8964 copyright protection416PENANAKXJ6PIotVd 維尼
這是我撰寫的第二次評文,相比第一次我已經沒有那麼的不知所措,雖然還是覺得自己的評文還是好凌亂(笑8964 copyright protection416PENANAAPVmxLn8yb 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAIHRewOrZZL
8964 copyright protection416PENANAreWz0HUHAl 維尼
所以我依舊是在如何寫出一篇「好的」評文的修行路上,希望自己寫的東西可以幫助到作者們就好了。8964 copyright protection416PENANA9CsswbiFzH 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANA8BG9U4vlzo
8964 copyright protection416PENANAi77Oc7uM1i 維尼
歡迎曾經被我評文過得創作者們繼續跟我討論,也歡迎大家來找我評文。8964 copyright protection416PENANAjKU81r7fgN 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAJkV5lozW3I
8964 copyright protection416PENANACivpwcZPJk 維尼
我所寫的評文之後都會放在penana公開,巴哈的部分未來有可能也會貼過去。8964 copyright protection416PENANAtcUkbvp1Is 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAi3Ce3NK99H
8964 copyright protection416PENANAO9h4eCB81S 維尼
題外話:在打這篇評文的時候我剛好在聽天氣之子的ost,我覺得好配這首歌啊!8964 copyright protection416PENANAiDFl993pL6 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANALXBmJ1kWBW
8964 copyright protection416PENANAp0DC6cNnet 維尼
420Please respect copyright.PENANAA7LzwNia1V
8964 copyright protection416PENANAIIXVhBbYyE 維尼
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