【原文出處】
https://www.penana.com/article/1606896
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以下是我看到某參賽作品以後,所寫的留言轉正文,供大家參考。
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感謝參與~83Please respect copyright.PENANAdNOnUutl4C
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老實說,這篇給我的感覺不是十行詩,是散文十行。83Please respect copyright.PENANA5MO1c7JZy8
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雖然文章有哲理,但是詩度很低。詩的要素,如節奏、意象、音樂、譬喻都很平淡,甚至欠奉;內容太趨近說明,解釋過多,太黏了。83Please respect copyright.PENANAjKMsa0dizD
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我回頭看我自己寫的詩,有些也算不上是詩,例如83Please respect copyright.PENANAHBHHhI3SqQ
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〈限制和自由〉83Please respect copyright.PENANAergHxuwRbd
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penana.com/article/102489583Please respect copyright.PENANABSRa82UVld
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現在看來,我覺得它不是詩 (但為記錄故,還是收進詩集)。83Please respect copyright.PENANAecfzmNeHzB
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詩度 0。83Please respect copyright.PENANA80vMqNRotv
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〈問〉83Please respect copyright.PENANAr2OAa98QvT
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penana.com/article/102494483Please respect copyright.PENANA8voe3pT7mf
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詩度高一點。83Please respect copyright.PENANAb19fLFL7tN
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〈摩天之輪〉83Please respect copyright.PENANA3gObrNSBlj
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penana.com/article/104570583Please respect copyright.PENANAFAZW8ZEPRk
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詩度再高一點。
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〈蝴蝶酥〉83Please respect copyright.PENANA2KaUfjMeic
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https://www.penana.com/article/159771383Please respect copyright.PENANA3kMpODe9E1
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詩度比前三首都高。
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我最近在看台灣詩人蕭蕭的詩論,詩人有句話簡單卻有道理:「詩,是『換句話說』,『再換句話說』」。83Please respect copyright.PENANArfaYnIz7kf
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我在筆記本上面,寫下自己的句子:「詩,是常句和變句的雙人舞。」83Please respect copyright.PENANApeL7vzJFkN
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跟你分享。
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此外,這篇連結文章也可作參考。83Please respect copyright.PENANAuGEEpEPtnR
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【認識新詩的基本元素】83Please respect copyright.PENANA3aaYpl1lHK
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blog.udn.com/shesiya/11359719383Please respect copyright.PENANArPiCel4ob7
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我之後應該會就我最近對新詩的思考&自己詩作/非詩作的例子,寫一篇文章放在我的《寫詩這件事及其他》裡面。83Please respect copyright.PENANA5HOBJXluoL
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【我後來回答參賽者「希望較符合你的標準」的留言】
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這不是我的標準啦,算是台灣詩人對新詩的定義。83Please respect copyright.PENANAx9Qb2DXffY
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第二版「詩度」有提升,因為用了複沓/排比結構,綿延的音樂性增加了。83Please respect copyright.PENANAxqSVRL7dDS
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寫詩要多看詩,也不用急,我檢視自己這兩年多密集寫詩的成果,發現好多不熟的,甚至是皮球假裝成果子的,哈哈~
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【這次全新寫的感想】
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我拿自己青澀的詩果,甚至非詩的皮球作例子,無非是希望讀者能做個比較,認識一下不同詩度的詩,長什麼樣子;這裡再拿我寫的〈詠栗〉為例:
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〈詠栗〉
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殼斗,第一層愛
張牙舞爪威嚇
眾鳥獸,為了
豐美的內在
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剝去愛,尚有
木訥果皮和刻苦種皮
無口而全然
環抱整個子代
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充盈在手中打開
當秋天到來
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如果寫成
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〈詠栗〉
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殼斗,第一層皮
長滿尖刺威嚇
眾鳥獸,為了
內在的果實
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剝去殼,尚有
木質果皮和苦味種皮
沒有裂口而且完全
包覆整個子葉
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栗子在手中打開
當秋天到來
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詩度就不見啦,成為一篇分行的散文,而且是說明文。
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會寫詩的讀者,可將自己詩裡的詩句 (=變句),換成一般常用的句子 (=常句) 玩玩看;而苦惱於抓不到詩度的讀者,反其道而行,將自己作品的句子,改動幾個詞彙,以「一般不會這樣用」的語詞 (也可改變詞性) 代替,或可抓到一點詩的感覺。
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當然,詩的面向不僅在於詞彙,但這是一個開始。
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祝各位被詩淋透,不,淋得半濕就好。
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