I was now getting shots and tablets that will stop my body become boyish. Erin also got these. We did not talk much about it except that the shots hurt. Erin was excited that he was under this treatment as she was always afraid of puberty and how it would make her look less feminine. I did not know what to think. The hardest for me was keeping it a secret from my mother. It made me feel as if I was doing something wrong. Should a mother not know what treatment her child was getting? Why did dad not want to tell her?
Dad told me that he had good news. A famous drag queen wanted me to be in their latest music video. I asked Dad if that was a smart idea. After all, there was a huge controversy when I performed at the drag convention. Dad responded that this was a good opportunity. I did not debate this. Once again, Dad would get what he wanted and I would not say no. Doing the video was fun. I was dressed in a white dress that Maralyn Monroe had on ages ago. I wore a wig and make-up. My job was not that easy. The video showed me as a boy in front of the mirror, and then I dressed up and started to dance in front of the mirror and dance. There were many retakes during the video. The director wanted a perfect video, and let's face it, I was not a good dancer!
Of course, the video got mixed reactions. I was accused of promoting cross-dressing and trying to confuse boys across the world. Some people thought that I was corrupting boys my age by turning them into gay boys. This confused me as I was quite sure that I was not gay. All this meant that being at school was now a refuge for me. The others did not care whether I was transgender or not. They did not care what the newspapers said about me. They did not care what my latest performance was on social media. They did not put a tag on me. It was one of the school’s policies. “Everyone is different, there is nothing that is normal. We should respect and understand each other as individuals.” This atmosphere made me feel safe and accepted for what was inside me and not just the way I looked.
I had a performance at the local mall. I wore a denim shirt with tights and sandals, as well as makeup and glitter. I thought I looked pretty. The crowd seemed hostile at the start. It was as if they came to see the controversial sissy boy. I was very nervous but managed to concentrate on singing. Slowly, the crowd grew and people were having fun. They were cheering and clapping as well as dancing. This made me relax. I was once again having fun and doing what I loved the best. While I singing, I could see Erin in the audience. I tried my best to forget everyone else and just sing for my best friend. After the performance was over, Erin gave me a huge hug and told me I was blessed with my voice. It was nice that he talked about my talent and not how I looked.
Mom and Dad have been arguing more and more. This started after the drag show convention controversy. Dad also started putting a lot more videos on social media explaining why I was born a boy and now lived as a girl. He spent a lot of time defending it and telling people to be more tolerant. This annoyed mom. She thought that Dad was using me as a pawn for his own agenda. He was not allowed to wear dresses when he was a child, so he made sure that I wore them. I did not like when mom and Dad fought. It did make me think of what my mom was saying.
The next big thing that happened to me was that I was invited to the LGBT awards. I still was unsure what LGBT meant. I guessed it had something to do with being gay or transgender or other things that people did not think were normal. I do not know why they invited me. I was transgender but was not gay. I did not want people to think of the word transgender as the first thing they thought of me. I would hope they could see other aspects of me. Still, my Dad told me that it was an honour to be invited to the awards. So I went dressed in drag once again. I got an award for being a good influence on other children. I was supposed to give a speech. I did not know what to say, except to thank everyone. Dad was not satisfied with this. On the way home, he told me that I could have said more. I missed a golden opportunity.
When we came home, we found that my sister and mom were gone. There was a note explaining that my mom could not deal with it anymore. She wrote in a letter;
“When I saw them presenting OUR SON at the LGBT awards, I was embarrassed. I decided I could not do this anymore. Is our son a good example for other children? I accept that he may be transgender, but let him be the little girl that he should be. Let it be his choice. Since he was small, he was groomed by his Dad into believing that he was born in the wrong body. How much of this is Chrissy’s wish to be a girl or his wish to please his father? Being a 10-year-old girl is one thing, but dressing him in drag is another thing. Is it right that he should look like an adult or some sort of clown? Let him enjoy his childhood. As parents, we have a lot to answer for. I will no longer be part of this grooming and manipulation.”
I could not stop crying. My mom left and she took my sister. Why did she not take me? Why did she not ask me if I wanted to come? This was a major change in my life. Dad changed as well. He was now more like a manager than my father. I started doing a lot more live performances. I even had to do one on my 11th birthday. The thing was that I was not happy. Dad was more worried about how feminine I looked rather than what I sang or how I sang. When I did sing, I concentrated on the songs and how I performed. This is when I was happy.
I tried telling Dad that I was not happy. I did not want to be a spokesperson for being transgender or a drag kid. I wanted people to see me for the person that I was. If I considered myself a girl, this was only part of it. Dad would get upset and tell me to stop whining. He told me that I was always a girl. This confused me. I by now identified myself as a girl and did not remember that I was once a boy. In my memory, I was always a girl. I just had the wrong body. Dad's answers confused me and we never discussed being a role model or spokesperson again. Besides I was so confused about my role in this world, I also knew that it was a waste of time trying to discuss anything with Dad.
Shortly after my birthday, Dad told me that some famous YouTuber wanted to interview me. So the idea was that he would interview me live over cam on the computer. Before the interview, my Dad told me that he did not want me to be shy or sad when I was being interviewed. He gave me a tablet and told me that it would calm me down. The tablet worked very well. I was suddenly very giggly and in a great mood. It was as if I was on a pink cloud. I do not remember anything about the interview, except that I had a huge headache later that day and slept a lot.
A few days later, I saw the interview on youtube. It was so embarrassing. It was easy to see that I was very giddy. I could not sit and kept fidgeting around in the chair. My words were even slurred. I told the interviewer that I was a girl and if people could not accept this, then they could stuff it. I said that I loved everything pink and pretty clothes. It surprised me when I heard myself say that I missed my mother. My Dad was not mentioned. He most likely did not like that. I finished off by saying that it was important that everyone loved themselves and were the person they wanted to be. Children my age should not pay attention to how the media told us how we should look. We needed to find our own identity. While I was proud of myself for saying this, most of the comments were about if I was drugged or not or how bad of an influence I was on others.
I did get support at school. Erin told me that she was so proud of me. The media told us that we should all be skinny and have clear skin or perfect hair or wear certain labelled clothes. We should all look like the Kardashians, and if that did not work we could photoshop pictures or when we were old enough, we could get plastic surgeries.
I was still getting hormones and puberty blockers. The only thing I really noticed was that my chest was developing. This was the same for Erin. She was very proud of how she was changing. Dad was not satisfied. He told me that it was time that we planned on getting an operation that would get rid of my boy's body. I was of course too young to do it yet, but it was something that I could look forward to. When I was told this, then I was speechless. This was something that I did not want to even think about. Once again, I was confused. If I considered myself a girl, then why would I not want to get rid of the body I had?
I told Erin about what Dad said. Erin did not smile when I said this. Instead, she told me to make sure that it was my decision. Then Erin said something that surprised me, “I am a girl and love being a girl. I am not so sure that you do. Sometimes I think you are a girl because everyone says or thinks that you are one. At some stage, you have to follow the same advice you gave in that interview. You have to decide what your identity is and who you are!”
I hate being confused.
When I visited mom after, I told her and my sister how confused I have because and Dad's plans. My mom hugged me and told me that we should look at some old pictures. I was engrossed in the old pictures. It was clear that I was once a boy. I looked so happy and it seemed as if I was having fun. As my mother flipped the pages, I could see that I started looking more and more like a girl until I was a girl. My sister asked me if I forgot that I was once a boy. I nodded my head and started crying. Suddenly the memories came back to me of how I never wanted to be a girl, but slowly accepted that I was a girl
“You always had a problem saying no to Dad,” my sister said
“We will also love you” my mom added. “What is important is that you are happy. It does not matter if you are a boy or a girl. What matters is that you dress and act the way that makes you happy. Do not let Dad, me or anyone decide who you should be. You may be gender fluid. Who cares? Listen to your heart and be the person you want to be!”
When I went home I told Dad that I saw old pictures of me and I knew that I was happy as a boy. Then I asked him if he would love me the same if I decided that I was a boy and wanted to live as a boy. My Dad was frustrated and told me that I was a girl. He told me that we had no time to discuss this. I was invited to another drag party where I was to perform. I did not need to discuss this with my Dad. I now knew the answer. He did not want me to be a boy. He wanted me to be a girl.
I was once again dressed in a gown with a wig and make-up and false eyelashes. It was hard for me to perform. There was suddenly so much going through my head. It was as if my body was churning and I felt an anger growing and growing in me. The audience did not notice this. They were partying as I was singing. Half ways during a song, I stopped and tore off my wig. There was silence and people just looked at me. I told them that “this is not me” and walked off the stage.
Dad was mad when we got home. He kept on telling me what I did was unacceptable. I walked by him and started packing my clothes. Dad tried to continue telling me what he thought. I picked up my bag and told him that I did not care what he thought. I was not a girl or transgender. I also decided that I wanted to live with my mom.
Epilogue:
I now live with my mom and sister. I am no longer transgender. I am not really a boy or a girl. It's more as if I am gender-fluid. I do not like short hair. It also wore what I wanted to wear. One day it could be very boyish and another day it could be very girly. I no longer dressed in drag although I still used eye makeup and lipgloss. I did not perform but continued doing songs on social media. The important thing was that I still went to the same school and was best friends with Erin. All in all, I was happy. My mom, sister and I were happy and our home was a home of love and support.
As for Dad, we did not speak with each other and who knows if we ever will. I could see where he manipulated me and made me into something he wished he was as a child. For now, it was important that I was not bitter and could one day forgive my father….
… and I had to forgive myself.
The End
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