Fear Is For The Living

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUdsGvizE3

I wonder, sometimes, if it will always define me –

If I will always be the twin

With no twin.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxw01qFfvo

I wonder, sometimes, if a little of him

Is inside me, just waiting,

Just waiting for me to find it.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSiQxzrR2if

I wonder, sometimes, if he hadn’t died,

Would I have?

I wonder, sometimes,

Would it be better that way?

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRW61geX13

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdyDYoTt0q

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMwp5HCpRd

I shouldn’t have gone out that day.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfEzptzj2Xb

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNBLgUWqUH

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZP2HaW5ahE

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfJqD0Iv87

“Luca, you have to go to school.”

School.

A place where I feel his absence

So clearly, so greatly.

“I’m sick, Mama, don’t make me go.”

“Please, Mama, don’t make me go-“

And she doesn’t.

She never does.

She knows

That he should be here to fake-sick with me,

Sitting on our beds, groaning and giggling and fibbing half-heartedly.

We were never able to convince her, not quite –

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpQA6meXW6

It is so easy now,

Now that there’s nothing to stay home for.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCF0EoMbzO

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgH7RyKntOq

Mama leaves to go to the shop,

“I’ll be ten minutes, top, okay?”,

And the house falls to silence

But the silence hurts, hurts so much, so I

Turn up music on my phone until surely, surely

The hurt of the quiet goes away, goes away

But it never does, never does, and quiet of his absence is

Unbearable

Tense

Attacking me

Clawing my brain through my ears

So I wear his headphones with the volume on max.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQyZyDQZkx

Mama says it’ll make me go deaf.

I don’t care.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9EuhNfp93

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSlxbfscby

I want to go back

I do

Please.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZVE31uScf2

My Mama needs me.

My brother needs me.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ZpopXDAwB

I have homework to do.

Well, schoolwork, but the teachers ‘understand’

Why I can’t be there, on account of my grief,

They ‘understand’ when I turn work in late

With no explanation,

They ‘understand’. I want to ask if they’ve ever lost a brother

Because I know that they haven’t

So how could they possibly understand?

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hKITMp3j9

They give me sad smiles and nods when I see them in the supermarket.

They don’t say anything because I’m wearing my music

And they assume I cannot hear them, but I can.

I hear their pity in their half-smiles

In their sad smiles

In their nods of acknowledgement

In their prolonged looks with my Mama, over my head.

They do not understand.

Nobody does.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5hoYfwuCC7

I am dead.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPF3rxNCpM

I can’t go back.

I like the quiet, of it, of death.

It surrounds you, it moves with you,

It comforts you.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdRbsUYbdB

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLl6jwEZdDE

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2iBqEpN1M

I am an only child

And have been for a month.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYL1aAJL67

I don’t like the quiet.

I don’t like the quiet so I cry to fill it.

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WNkLyrktO

I wander around the empty house

Everywhere I see is empty of him.

His photo is on the mantlepiece but his eyes are empty,

Mine is beside his

but he isn't beside me, not really, it's lying,

It isn't true! My heart hurts, hurts, hurts,

It is a void

Of his absence

That becomes a black hole and I smash his picture and I smash mine

And there’s glass on the floor and I pick it up and

I throw it at the walls and I

Scream

And I scream and I scream

And Mama comes home and she says,

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiRuZJxmKj

“Scream, Luca, Scream.

Anger is for the living.

Fear Is For The Living

Your brother fears no more.”

372Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GIce5gtqG

“Scream, Luca, Scream.”

She gently pulls off his headphones from around my head.

I don't need my music when I make my own, when I cry.

She wraps her arms around me.

She kisses my forehead.

"It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be afraid.

Fear Is For The Living, Luca,

So fear the moment when you don’t anymore.”

ns216.73.216.224da2

介面主題:

字體大小:

行距:

段距:

自動加載下一章