Fear Is For The Living

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35uQyH3Dfy

I wonder, sometimes, if it will always define me –

If I will always be the twin

With no twin.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKn9Tr6iSg

I wonder, sometimes, if a little of him

Is inside me, just waiting,

Just waiting for me to find it.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7Au9f3HLc

I wonder, sometimes, if he hadn’t died,

Would I have?

I wonder, sometimes,

Would it be better that way?

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjcpuzsXwF7

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWe2AFYrDW3

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTps94vMcgh

I shouldn’t have gone out that day.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04lEk5ED5n

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwTwVTqDLm

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlg9b1C7UCH

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghTpyU07Qm

“Luca, you have to go to school.”

School.

A place where I feel his absence

So clearly, so greatly.

“I’m sick, Mama, don’t make me go.”

“Please, Mama, don’t make me go-“

And she doesn’t.

She never does.

She knows

That he should be here to fake-sick with me,

Sitting on our beds, groaning and giggling and fibbing half-heartedly.

We were never able to convince her, not quite –

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJukN9oY1ds

It is so easy now,

Now that there’s nothing to stay home for.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwmRmgkDItV

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HPqK1mMCc

Mama leaves to go to the shop,

“I’ll be ten minutes, top, okay?”,

And the house falls to silence

But the silence hurts, hurts so much, so I

Turn up music on my phone until surely, surely

The hurt of the quiet goes away, goes away

But it never does, never does, and quiet of his absence is

Unbearable

Tense

Attacking me

Clawing my brain through my ears

So I wear his headphones with the volume on max.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgVmxsPbQXx

Mama says it’ll make me go deaf.

I don’t care.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZvZZ356N5

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAytqs7ZU4f

I want to go back

I do

Please.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡugVLTdob0u

My Mama needs me.

My brother needs me.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXTI8TTX9aa

I have homework to do.

Well, schoolwork, but the teachers ‘understand’

Why I can’t be there, on account of my grief,

They ‘understand’ when I turn work in late

With no explanation,

They ‘understand’. I want to ask if they’ve ever lost a brother

Because I know that they haven’t

So how could they possibly understand?

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluqSbMXTAS

They give me sad smiles and nods when I see them in the supermarket.

They don’t say anything because I’m wearing my music

And they assume I cannot hear them, but I can.

I hear their pity in their half-smiles

In their sad smiles

In their nods of acknowledgement

In their prolonged looks with my Mama, over my head.

They do not understand.

Nobody does.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Go60PBFIN

I am dead.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG84PJHHkD1

I can’t go back.

I like the quiet, of it, of death.

It surrounds you, it moves with you,

It comforts you.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBRjPvzRZIM

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5wFXJy39x

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmx49MQnKF

I am an only child

And have been for a month.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgoYucJWmKW

I don’t like the quiet.

I don’t like the quiet so I cry to fill it.

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlwX6chUjZP

I wander around the empty house

Everywhere I see is empty of him.

His photo is on the mantlepiece but his eyes are empty,

Mine is beside his

but he isn't beside me, not really, it's lying,

It isn't true! My heart hurts, hurts, hurts,

It is a void

Of his absence

That becomes a black hole and I smash his picture and I smash mine

And there’s glass on the floor and I pick it up and

I throw it at the walls and I

Scream

And I scream and I scream

And Mama comes home and she says,

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvY9iHsWnqE

“Scream, Luca, Scream.

Anger is for the living.

Fear Is For The Living

Your brother fears no more.”

373Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBY1dsr8GpA

“Scream, Luca, Scream.”

She gently pulls off his headphones from around my head.

I don't need my music when I make my own, when I cry.

She wraps her arms around me.

She kisses my forehead.

"It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be afraid.

Fear Is For The Living, Luca,

So fear the moment when you don’t anymore.”

ns216.73.216.224da2

介面主題:

字體大小:

行距:

段距:

自動加載下一章