TW// Mentions of self-harm.
Get over it.
That's the phrase I've been telling myself for the past hour now.
They apologized, and, well, I think they sounded honest. I said it was okay, as long as they got better. I said I forgave them.
So why am I still thinking about it? Why does it still sting?65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFM3EPv49nM
I pace back and forth, round and round, both physically and mentally, my throat constricted as I try to sort all of this out. As I try to backtrack to the entire ordeal.
It happened a 12 days ago. Maybe more. That's technically a while ago, but it still chews at me. But the words are still fresh in my mind. The events are screaming loudly at the forefront of my brain.
I can't help but unpack the whole memory over again:
Guilt-tripping me with suicide, on two back-to-back days.. Belittling my self-harm addiction, on two back-to-back days. "You're a bright kid, I don't get why you can't figure this out." "Why can't you just stop this madness?" "Put yourself in my shoes and imagine how I feel."
Tried putting myself in their shoes. I tried that, and I understood where they were coming from. But did that erase the pain? No. Did that help anything? No. I still knew my wrists were still barcoded (still are) and marked up with scars, and I knew that all the previous taunting didn't help.
In just a couple hours, I felt like I'd lost a family member. And I felt that way for almost a week.
Damnit, now my eyes are stinging even more. Swallowing again, I shake away the memories. Those are the bad parts. I shouldn't be thinking about the bad parts anymore.
Why are there still feelings attached to that? They apologized. We discussed the whole thing over again six days ago, and the end result of that discussion was perfectly fine. We started looking for a therapist, and what little interactions we had afterward weren't even that awful. Those are the good parts of it.
So why do they not help? Why can't I just remember those things and go, "Okay, maybe that was a bad experience, but we worked through it together" and then drop the whole goddamn thing?
"What the hell is the deal with me?"
That's what I want to shout into the air right now. But if I even open my mouth, I'll probably burst into tears, and wouldn't that look pathetic? Some idiot crying in the empty living room of his empty house — and if he had a jar of valid reasons as to why he should be crying, that would be empty too.
Yeah, that is a pathetic scene.
And because of that, I'm going to stuff the tears down again and sort this out like a reasonable person. A rational person.
But the only rational thing I can think of is to just stop thinking about it and move on. Just get up and move on. It's only logical, right? They said sorry, I said I forgave them. I know the difference between forgiving and forgetting. I know you can forgive and not forget. But when you remember the event, it's not like you still have some heavy, weighted emotions that still come raining down on you.
Does that mean I'm not truthful with my forgiveness? If so, then why aren't I? Damn, I wanna pull out my hair thinking about all of this! Why is this happening? If I haven't really, truly, "deeply" forgiven someone, then why haven't I? Why can't I just throw away these stupid feelings? It's not like they're worth a dime now anyway! Everything's said and done and over with.
And here I am, back to square one, screaming at myself internally for clinging on.
Huffing, I stop orbiting around the room and head for the stairs.
Screw it. Maybe I'll never find the answer.ns 184.108.40.206da2