I think the most gut retching sobs are the ones you have to hide. The ones that have to be held down at the bottom of your stomach and cannot be let out. Whether it's because you're in school or you're with your parents. There are always these sobs that are so quiet you can barely hear them but they make you feel like you want to throw up so bad. I've gotten used to that and every time I cry I cry silently. So quietly. Today just now I cried a lot. I don't know why. I felt like today I let so many people down and I just felt horrible. I hate it when people raise their voice at me and today my science teacher did. Of course I deserved it so I can't complain about it and even if I could I wouldn't. But it still hurt me and I felt empty I always feel when I'm about to cry. My stomach felt like a void instead of my stomach duh and it made me want to vomit. My nose started to itch and there was a huge lump in my throat that I could not force to swallow. I didn't cry thankfully but when I got home I did. My dad said no to me going to a basketball game and it usually wouldn't bother me at all but today was different. I needed to go to that basketball game so I could be distracted from what had happened earlier so I wouldn't cry about it and instead it would be discarded to the back of my mind. Since I didn't go once my dad left to run an errand and I was left alone I cried loudly. I cried and cried until finally I had to stop. So I did. And I fixed myself up practiced my smile again and sat down on my bed. I felt the need to document this. I don't know why. I just did. I think maybe it's because usually I cry so silently and today I didn't hold back. Could I have held back and not cried or was it a thing I could not control? I don't know that either. I am scared that one day my feelings will let loose and I will have no control over them hopefully that doesn't happen though. Anyway thanks for reading sorry my post was so depressing today. That's it! Go touch some grass now.
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