I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0kbp622HbB
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7HBJ389Mq
It’s New Year’s Eve!316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoF4Njoe5Ta
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvq73FE1Rr
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7gLH94tFa
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyT5kg7ZP4v
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24K2c6FBWe
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM6trMykMXE
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqffSjkQKi
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOTFu4IuMq
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdE7p8vN2z
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXGOCPOUtm
God, what the hell am I thinking?316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqSXOj0GZf
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQ511uBah4
316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhHcvCm9Yj
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvDC0guceF
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIm0oldZ7n0
Why did I come here?316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFCg4KoEoW
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFCM1LjHpt
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKG7o70ybef
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfcw2ikUzx4
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3DTjLFdTjZ
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJ1nbZGljp
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmAMhy9W9z
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOyZmw2cDqb
Fuck.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGaGL6qQNnb
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XzHH2bPza
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6LrjPilZl
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUp2kbLz7z
What do I even say back?316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DBXuCGdqo
Lie?316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDRh8FZ89Wm
“What? I’d never.”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn347GXEB13
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25ExDT2LW9
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqb3CaKF63
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl5J5WO7Y9x
Okay, so lying didn’t work.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnP1Ow3UPP4
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHyxGIR33GC
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZalI17HydV
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCa4uxZeVer
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyWRT33Dt3l
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6t5AtcEE2G
I can’t take it.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnm0E3zfz6M
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVxh0AhQpgr
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgLHlBor8S
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTbiR0zPWz
“We can do the countdown out here.”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdkB1yk4nnB
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtwtEwJVKe
I swallow.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs61XCIUaua
“Just the two of us?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnnfmvdind
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCyWK5RYn7l
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI5FvSeUIAh
“Why does it matter?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANtm6PnBCl
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwmW9WC6zt
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaavHFmRPXY
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYc4jhqiH3J
“Rozzlyn.”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqiN19pcf7
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9qGnellXG
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9F3Gxwadk
Jesus Christ.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCWYqvbnA6
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCIhYf1mID
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyg7zraicn9
His eyebrows furrow.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr4Pjot6HDy
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDHuIxUhl6s
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYDWpCkdPg
“What does that mean?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENfQ4K9ITw
“Where’s Nadia?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQymGU5k9Wj
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp94sCDsvyP
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqyBERb8F9h
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡksJ5juKSwj
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKYZcAjA8cc
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTVthC8HRv
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6RSik9Phx
It’s all I’m worth.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsJexioObF
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlnX3RIhd4
I’m empty.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqsIsTNye3
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlSzOW7sg2
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoorQ6kgGg
“You stupid, stupid woman.”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnNsrag83B
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjrAeAcd5l
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2wPYhzrllt
Is this real?316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ70VpLu3pjL
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDByTE0HxIz
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6ihD8yhZA
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9CN6ONJGl
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lHxMdc4ox
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTlXNqlwawe
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRIDjxAwYP
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1XxRRJpKY
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXggUrreKDk
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOkYCF0lWZ
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05GdGnAE4I
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7r0FXZ9Z4m
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ921FgsJGbO
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpyCmj2nlh
I’ve never wanted anything more.
316Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYISTU7O4Ci
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