I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgoZre1i0oT
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvDN5Fyl9Y
It’s New Year’s Eve!670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡspXOSvSXvI
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xxONr1P9A
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWs0dFI1jmw
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01d03eMQ43
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdUB6Upqgo
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaeyiqhiDWp
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgEhsIAtNj
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOwhMalKQU6
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuXgA5CEztq
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzUYwGJI2f
God, what the hell am I thinking?670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkm6euYya3f
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2SDa2WIw7
670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDPzTVwhEp
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9fQrNaYsv
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡToCQwrL45N
Why did I come here?670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WKy9vwQ7b
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrEWBGNVdd
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKIROUvTL9
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zx6FeKeUs
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy2f6LoaEsc
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXG1UGz4gs
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekoGiYUBgl
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnT8HrnOi22
Fuck.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGPsbfaMg3
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKMvdmEuD0Z
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFMUZAPFWCX
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0Ea38Od45
What do I even say back?670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrPN0zIL8RA
Lie?670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWeVDRdrrWQ
“What? I’d never.”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPdLGUb3YD
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHr3FcboiX
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoVetb2rrDE
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAsZpwnoxhi
Okay, so lying didn’t work.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseHaFzreYK
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK33N1DleWu
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFG9Bumhnn
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrprAyV6EwW
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhhyKoXXNz
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡasFg0VEsqv
I can’t take it.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIetM3zsyD
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtA7X17UbUS
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmYMe5yYyLU
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DnalCCb7E
“We can do the countdown out here.”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3DDf1Ej0O
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHS1oxUl4L
I swallow.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr6HtmPUTBp
“Just the two of us?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXVPBRMcPJ
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25h4jMYccs
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglbkeyWtsm
“Why does it matter?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHzxdBHQqc
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcE3QHDOeh
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQGZqcq7fw
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgViPJNtwR
“Rozzlyn.”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfkUlNXvvU
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5oE1brahXc
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwku1CZUpJS
Jesus Christ.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTNBz5iHjrB
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VIWZ2cLKg
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡULnXn8PNkk
His eyebrows furrow.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBuwnjjhji
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt14I7FvBwX
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOkb6vuAnv
“What does that mean?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSPaZWBqLt
“Where’s Nadia?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjMlJS02fA
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Vw18wNh7l
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1r3gdjyw4
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaDYP11cpqg
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIrgduvigoG
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo462qO3TUt
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZ9cmJYwOs
It’s all I’m worth.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn5AqVY0fJi
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡReoYRnaJuo
I’m empty.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQAOGb6AWD
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOw1gQp6MJ
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxz9FOjSWK7
“You stupid, stupid woman.”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrsRVC5L5Vb
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVXZvoHHp0
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Z6YY7gKVL
Is this real?670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLfIJdhNEM
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrBPBUXJhJL
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7mBcPu7Ck
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR4QypO1Tiz
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0jogkXMZ7S
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5WnlrnSsy
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImoWtDEZ5h
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1h4TSOHAZ
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMN8P7ie9Mp
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlMA7mSQNi
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3AwcqjDOAO
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79lqlwh0A1
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFdqsimy9T0
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXiaylazJgG
I’ve never wanted anything more.
670Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwSB7Wihb28
and then Add to home screen.