I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yOMDuSrY6
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8JYxQTDtH
It’s New Year’s Eve!333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6VH5fr32a
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlYTGo5L02
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡChX3sgCrdw
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpWJ7BKLv3g
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZiPTvpkfu
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4uaHKXg2DF
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkAhFtB6yy
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zThawkjQD
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9cSWdQc0o
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUdHCAfIIa
God, what the hell am I thinking?333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVap8Kw7Qxr
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnuIIMK7gdx
333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnywQBd4W7P
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUU4NsEjHo
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2CHBt9YTO
Why did I come here?333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7COHxtznTj
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5geW3QRVN
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMSp8tCSJ1
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqooLBeIGJ
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6YKiZWfgPX
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJzVQEoPwUh
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7imhcX6pt
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnpZ0xY9bc
Fuck.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzyICuHBpV7
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR6cmZmxybu
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBVSgBNQKn
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4CGeEhnW9
What do I even say back?333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvsOpGLwXI
Lie?333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi75S0ENIJ3
“What? I’d never.”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4V27WyAp3o
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7i0HvvRzG
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmReFJxgfpI
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WMmIWjW6U
Okay, so lying didn’t work.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgV4NzVRkuq
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAURR1p6oN
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gOuWxnAK7
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdbKaOv2Py
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkq792uL9O
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImFcXBW8GI
I can’t take it.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dMa3RW6Jp
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwc54R8gHqb
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGX5tvMHmA
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCR54WGcEWF
“We can do the countdown out here.”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDT11KWr5o
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ53yrFE6fNH
I swallow.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLSmcFku4WJ
“Just the two of us?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQ8EwQ9Mik
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98tAb2WvOD
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2VRUg3jL3
“Why does it matter?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBogFi8GJiE
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKLUIWsFka
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNt5AheieD
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMpaoaBcB34
“Rozzlyn.”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHdbo9ZTtP
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGI76mgKBnM
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRCzTPT7D8s
Jesus Christ.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrp2htj0sUq
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSRAwRpB22
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC0rO45LlQE
His eyebrows furrow.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNT0I4ZWW5
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ769e9hhOl0
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8tUunf4gz
“What does that mean?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhqq6dsbIMt
“Where’s Nadia?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFuulbMdSo
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPAYj851rm8
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiQc8V6aKE
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcIRp4K2jwv
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbdd39Ghku
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCePsIk8YdD
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFayYJiujn
It’s all I’m worth.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEOiqfB5Lhr
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5ZmeLsF9B
I’m empty.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCT1O4kUXBj
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYnmnnV6GN
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡix60YVPqDg
“You stupid, stupid woman.”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsNhUYmyCz
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQPVIWXa6m
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQm0YjzQn8x
Is this real?333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmMS3xOawT
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnpm6wGX3O
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8eL6R4ZEG
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlcqAKZ1nM
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzRWtI2Cbrc
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jPDI5NYXK
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQP5YSIFb4Y
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBL4po7iPK
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuaO0lQtkA
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjXDmZcjnY
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7izRxwHJr
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8uKutDYbc
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35vaxJoMph
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3K8nMWfO1i
I’ve never wanted anything more.
333Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOkd1dj7kL
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