I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzn4dBLiVc
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofVI9q8CFu
It’s New Year’s Eve!364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGs1pUgll6
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHWLnp0PNMr
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGhpJx1Aw4
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3OwkDFKA4
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ZAKCMNCBu
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFMB9dy5bU
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlORlkZErw
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYjQnMcAGe
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd64QG2WXTo
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofmfEMPwnP
God, what the hell am I thinking?364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr6yGUxDIny
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dYzbpca3h
364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpJWfHnR0cQ
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj488a10Gn5
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNqWHvpv4Wp
Why did I come here?364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhCr7di53W
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7UepkXBo7A
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡplJwarh2jV
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddY5a2wDGg
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYhdqBToIv
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKtdSs8Ne5
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXgoLeMLUO
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPuuRVl3p6c
Fuck.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRGM5sIUEH1
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KNojxlQ2M
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk35QxB5To5
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPU0acsTOe
What do I even say back?364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcpwrsLr0Y8
Lie?364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJr2PKZKmf
“What? I’d never.”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTs5Feza0mk
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC0BKok9Aji
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1uNwsLH8OJ
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeqrZe0Vt8
Okay, so lying didn’t work.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQ8hFPrIld
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbU7umhT6Y
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIIFBhg3hqT
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM85HruEtD6
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76Zuocatjc
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXiTOVskl38
I can’t take it.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzAgMLmxFnr
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2vFIJShWme
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVFLhNcRSX
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAhVBouGHNW
“We can do the countdown out here.”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfiWp2eXNS
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNpmEE87Fv
I swallow.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2KR643JOR
“Just the two of us?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgdFI5rHCE
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSQNHuKRHr
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4kYDQ8ITM
“Why does it matter?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ9IqZC3a5Q
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkhDSP2IQI
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp99DZjj6yD
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchOUpfZ5O0
“Rozzlyn.”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXeQX175CaL
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJfJ8dbQcm
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATr94LrIyx
Jesus Christ.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzC6oPopTB
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXcYDdP78ZM
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡka2WbH1lzn
His eyebrows furrow.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDcDqJePTSI
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2syx1xmn3
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSIbCEDxzQ
“What does that mean?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVjujjLpQWH
“Where’s Nadia?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76Xq0IHci5
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIS1RiYis9O
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNojx4wIQv8
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmwKBfjcpB
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSBCJZRYHe
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBFpUC60dIm
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQmL5JpSAA
It’s all I’m worth.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINZ6gVv787
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswa6Hn743F
I’m empty.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbYPs8ZkCPq
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNGCoLVN0w7
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtgJwK9r9Y
“You stupid, stupid woman.”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKmcNZdbB3
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4Lw0NpDRY
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0u1RrnFJx6
Is this real?364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfflYgixwge
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsYoHxeF55
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhEkezqkDr
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtiaTZgxArK
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypKLf1JGNT
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDEQ43fgQp9
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJljukF8pKw
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmy9r1zFzO
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjuhsB6HYar
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdVw0bMpOcp
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3FhDQgiBS
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDAy0cBcUk
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhxeqWnM2rW
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3NHU7hEFa
I’ve never wanted anything more.
364Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkjCmkcn9ov
and then Add to home screen.