I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3JjEsDwpy
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc2agVjwg7Y
It’s New Year’s Eve!142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0fSbDeEFJc
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEkuqGCkz0v
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOH6Cxwp3S
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMUzEvfNf1Z
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2HG5q4biT
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBsz2ON6vd
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7wyBp4EzM
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Y55XjtUsP
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyDdxzmVFmF
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQk1Lw1EOUs
God, what the hell am I thinking?142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXBGZGtiQri
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CWD1hAba7
142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtAM2tRzwld
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3SUC1WlsVo
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6gKoJhd4I8
Why did I come here?142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfZereRpll
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd4MSAnXmbV
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdzEhS6LEK
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11h7ACypyr
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SBjdAh90x
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOTfkpwjOL
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvVU4J81FL
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPmvqPUyNLE
Fuck.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK2BU5aHQZ5
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhCtsZj32f
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvekzSwPpq
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYS2sVuwZ8
What do I even say back?142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1lufRzvL1
Lie?142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFxo0pCd5N
“What? I’d never.”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp4H26kbIpk
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9grhwBB51t
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFdx6QOTl1
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo9h6BIucdT
Okay, so lying didn’t work.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeX8Dbkc4k
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HIhMw93qd
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpFofnp3pY
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDfFjDN3zuv
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa25tMqzXtE
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQCHX7e1TR
I can’t take it.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhBYcOoG7xv
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSBgwqDhMx
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDUBbx8MPm0
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiDYJytQGO
“We can do the countdown out here.”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIYSjRwOfA
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHTdQfMV6H
I swallow.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04nz0nf05A
“Just the two of us?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUlzBhzljjs
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYQ1CrFXcI
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPmFuV7sLl
“Why does it matter?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTTs9u5VIG
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8kF7gAdcY
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8ycgJRFRr
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vlK0Axzz2
“Rozzlyn.”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsk73D9JlE1
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOwSlrCwke
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBR1dkFsaKG
Jesus Christ.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1GrIOncuB
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9R0hgf2nug
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAbTULINJKw
His eyebrows furrow.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMGHkYmB58
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYdzlTHubP
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6qC6uJ2Itk
“What does that mean?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjszYm1COH
“Where’s Nadia?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvWtBgMss0
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlvpuaHaO01
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYLfDjoOL1
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hSFzSwwXH
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7E4WT0uZXb
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bzrrJXnPw
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzWZU0xlRzK
It’s all I’m worth.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhz19NN4RMe
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrzM4LiAyn
I’m empty.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFOpc6qQjK
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXA8vlJHhbU
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPr3gydrsx
“You stupid, stupid woman.”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLc8VOpz5uB
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmznU0srmy
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfD6iPJlcLN
Is this real?142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFPTXs6g5t
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjzKSfMZVOh
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtCsomNVLgw
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBIS5MEyo6
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkSvIGvydg
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeixkzfwIlw
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnD8pVg8rTd
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKlrAAjwYb
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhVQORakKop
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuYF2C7tIuI
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnswWThd5h
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPRMp5vMeDa
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrVZklhh8f5
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFaZuLQoEpw
I’ve never wanted anything more.
142Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrorkL0gBH
and then Add to home screen.