I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlFskykUFi
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa3gLATgjU1
It’s New Year’s Eve!458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqG8HKZqLN5
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjkO8b0LXQ
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9S2HpltrM
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdlAFYa2scV
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qReISelDJ
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKshoKSHl5
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgR8fHRzGW
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWqsd90Ftn
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrv4eLP5VB
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLEx8PYP7LF
God, what the hell am I thinking?458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0VRBaHqATK
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQzYT0Z6u6Y
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr0QTKB0sUx
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVq4SAOVHw
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvre7lpKFGj
Why did I come here?458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJlaiDch7K
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfsPi3SMtd
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbL63BUgavd
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qoi5pCMEx
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKaPuxtw2C8
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUPrDaGouA
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmzXiAIjrN
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZIrfP8a5m
Fuck.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVokbTMg5o
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJDCaGMT89
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyGmmSAnNe
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrayczi2dh
What do I even say back?458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rhGNMhqs5
Lie?458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRymEXj2ib
“What? I’d never.”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdW27dFGGO
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFY7zzqb48
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4J5exaicsQ
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY4ONIrU0yM
Okay, so lying didn’t work.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ66cCJSdk5h
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJazjCtHxK
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JQts4m00c
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLDFi5mWp8e
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ7R1VmAcfC
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbygzqwN6Yi
I can’t take it.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkyMxqAXEw
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKOiywMHYm
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd4nRlNY8li
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GCoQDockR
“We can do the countdown out here.”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3FwIFvcXU
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfWttfElgj
I swallow.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjCUvZJrct
“Just the two of us?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhDEtgOW0n7
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB5mYjy5Xg2
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ferQdaQNb
“Why does it matter?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqzpkCojkj
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSvQIFe2aFX
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakRxYoPjI1
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAok22wkin0
“Rozzlyn.”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlU7PV26uy8
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYkZP2PZdb
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtI8vME3TZ
Jesus Christ.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0rxXyn0od5
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9x9an8ZloS
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5RV03OszRL
His eyebrows furrow.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJBC8rUZTP
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWxxoUKCOf
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX18NlD7u00
“What does that mean?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtjwKpy3tK
“Where’s Nadia?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25yrvlTKBE
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbiNDhvZIG1
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCLr4texYSR
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLbcwGH892
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4d9jmopmrS
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2GRVMVIAy
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKYFEadKY7n
It’s all I’m worth.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnPOUzf6qK
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NEH4XcECx
I’m empty.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyWe5cWVVd1
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpG89kkuIK
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM2Z9yNy9mx
“You stupid, stupid woman.”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIdZJVykUZ
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhacEukJW7i
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmBPRSVd7wI
Is this real?458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtsewmZ4Fv
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhMS48ZLnM
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSAIk5YMNS
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe140LA4h40
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh2gnjGKBwh
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0gjPQzlVW
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLCYgSLPhJ
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvKTvLGPQd
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbanvSuSIPB
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkqcRDvlQnF
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHPqwGHPKs
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWX1cujgck
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNzh8UYdcte
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdi6NZsnPSl
I’ve never wanted anything more.
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRG1mY8z0iz
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