I am not ashamed to be american

I am not ashamed to be an American

I think I should state that before starting

Because no I am not ashamed

I am shocked still because my mouth is not moving

My hands won’t stop shaking

And no matter what

I am just

Watching

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Breath stolen from my lungs

Like my ancestors stole the land from the natives

Heart beating

Like the beating, the slaves had to endure from people

I am related to

Backs were broken

Freedom was taken

For liberty they said

For America

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But I am not ashamed to be American

That might sound bad

Because I am not proud of these things from the past

I keep repeating in my head

that it was them not me

That I am different

That I should not be held responsible

Because I am a 15-year-old girl

Who might not even be a girl

Who is drowning in this world

Who wants to help

But who doesn't know where to even start

Who are you supposed to raise the sword to

when everywhere you turn there are cries for help

When you look across a sea of people screaming for justice and

The gun is suddenly in your hands

And you are told to do something

But

But…

You just watch

As blood spills

And you just watch

Because you don’t know what else to do

And you just watch

Because

You’re terrified

My grandfathers

And uncles

And aunts

People I THOUGHT were good people

Should I give them my loyalty?

Do I even have the choice or the right?

They have never treated me with anything but kindness

And they are loyal to me

Do they deserve to be hated?

Does anyone truly deserve to be hated?

they are brave

I don’t think they would do anything

I don’t think

But

I’m still just watching

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I’m not ashamed

I think I’m not

But every time I hear the word American

I have to resist rolling my eyes

Or making a joke

About what it’s liked to live here

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I’m not ashamed

But I could walk home from school

And be r@ped

And the man who did it could walk free

Without consequences

Or remorse

And do it again

To another little girl

And she too

Would be forced to carry his seed

And she too

Would bare the scars

Of his sick voice

And sharp nails

Just to be told it was the fault of her clothing

That she had asked for it

That she

A 10-year-old girl

A child

Deserved it.

But oh well,

Boys will be boys

Won’t they

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I am not ashamed to be American

But I wake up each morning

Look at the news

“Oh look another person died”

Another mass shooting

Another death toll

Another fire

Or disaster

Another black boy and girl

Another queer

Another trans person

Dead on the streets

Because someone

Someone decided to play god

And since they didn’t fit

The criteria

Of their perfect little world

And since

They dared to exist

They deserved to be

Laid out on the pavement

“All in gods name”

They said.

“It’s all his plan.”

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I am proud to be American

I really truly am

But I feel distant from my country

I feel angry

And betrayed

That the land of the free

That I grew up knowing

Is riddled with vines of injustice and cruelty

That the place that was supposed to be a sanctuary

Can’t care enough for its citizens

To get these poor people help

The people whose minds are poisoned

And dead

To forgiveness

And allowance

That it has to be this way or you are wrong

Or you are laying face down

In a puddle of your own crimson ichor.

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No, I am not ashamed of the

Strips and starts

Red white and blue

But the red was made with blood

The scarlet liquid spilling through my fingers

As I sing

That at least I know I’m free

But am I even free?

If the body I live in

Is the property of someone

I had never even met

If I’m viewed as property

Or If I could get shot in the back

For saying no

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Am I free?

Are you free

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The world is a scary place

But I can’t afford to keep screaming

Screaming until my throat is raw

And I'm screaming at a brick wall

Becuase no one bothers to listen!

No one bothers to think

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So I cover my ears

And bite my tongue

Until I taste copper in my mouth

And red drips down my chin

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Red

Stripes

Red paint

Red

Red lips

And a silver tongue.

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We rely on what feels like a popularity contest

between the two worst people

The two most

Incable and incompitant

People

I had ever laid eyes on

But I can't really say anything

Because I cannot lead a dying country

Back into its golden years

Of prosperity

But

You know

At least I’m not a pedophile

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I am not ashamed

No not ashamed

I am scared

And sick

And waiting,

and

Distant

And I.

Am.

Just.

watching.

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