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I consider whether I should go there or not. But my mind keeps telling me the last option and I wonder why my subconscious is wrongly refuting me. I pack my things into my luggage and scan the room. As I tilt my head, I see the image of my father carrying me on his shoulders.
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"Lana," Mom calls me.
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"I am coming," I reply.
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I grab all my things and sigh heavily as I pull the door behind me with a weak movement. I head straight for the foyer, knowing I'll miss this room as soon as I step into it because I know it was a part of my life. I wake up early and get on a bus near my friend's warehouse, which I find hardly classic and nerve-wracking.
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The tears try to escape, but I stop them by looking up at the ceiling – I know this is hard for me. But I know that not only do I want to do this, but I want to do it for my mother's sake. She says she's doing it all for my own good, but I know it's for her whims, and I have no power to fight it.
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"Lana."
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My feet stomp on the concrete floor in annoyance. Why do I get the feeling she's happy to see me go? Why should she be? Should not she be? Anyway. I take a deep breath, press my feet to the stairs, and see her raise an eyebrow and look at me intently.
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I stop in front of her as my hand grabs the travel bag. She was on the phone to call a cab, I realise. How ironic! She must be sad to see her daughter leave, but it's just the opposite, because she's happy.
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"Who was it?" I inquire.
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"Taxi, of course. Why do you ask?" she asks.
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I roll my eyes.
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She did not seem like my mother because the way she treated me was pure hell. She was busy with work, like even with family day at school, she did not have time to put in the time I need.
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How horrible my life was.
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"Just asking."
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"Where are you going?" she asks in horror as I drag myself to the entrance, and if I were myself I would not have to turn around, but I have no power to restrain my subconscious.
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"Walk like you mean it."
I never mean to sound rude, but she was pressuring me, and there's nothing wrong with pressuring her. Somehow I just wanted to do it, but my heart suppressed me not to, but here I am, speaking mockingly to my mother.
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"Lana, I did not raise you to be a brat." Her voice rises a little angrily, and it pierces my ears and through all the blindness-all the way to the top of my brain. The words engulf and moss all parts of my brain, and I do not know how to erase all the toxins in my balance so she never becomes part of my pain.
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I laugh. A literal laugh that almost makes my jaw drop as I burst out laughing. Her jaw clenches and her eyebrows furrow. Who cares, anyway! This is my life. And how dare she tell me she's raising me when she's not here when I need her.
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"You are turning into a psycho, maybe because you hung those idiots!" My left hand clenches into a fist in exasperation as she utters the words. I can not even calm down because my blood is boiling and it lasts longer than a minute or two.
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How dare she lure my friends here. Why can not she just mind her own business? I want to scream at her like she did now, but I can not. I still can not, because she was still my mother, and I still respect her, even if she's not so good for my bank account.
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"Right, fools. But those fools appreciated my efforts while you embedded your work. It's kind of pathetic, is not it? To have a mother who does not care about her child..." She interrupted me with a slap.
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"How dare you talk to me like that! I am still your mother and I am not doing this for me. I am doing this for your well-being," she hissed.
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I clap my hands together sarcastically. "Wow. You are doing this for me? You are not making a comedy joke, are you, Mom?"
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"Shut up!"
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I half-shrug my shoulders. "Okay, if you want."
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I push my way to the door and leave a distracting noise after I get out. Tears gather and guilt seeps into me and in a split second the liquid runs down my cheeks and I just let it run down. I wipe the liquid away and leave the mansion as I tend to my travel bag, the pain relentlessly pounding at me.
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Fuck this life.
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