真人真事師生戀《最接近的陌生距離》 - 第四十八章之一

「你真係捨得放手咩？」

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「佢係你老師，你係佢學生。可以一齊已經唔易⋯⋯你真係捨得？」

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我驚訝到唔知點講好，冇諗過蟲蟲其實一早知我同Miss拍緊拖。我知啦⋯⋯應該係觀塘海濱嗰晚，我唔小心講咗出口！

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「你地經歷咗咁多事⋯⋯我⋯⋯我就咩都唔係⋯⋯你真係咁容易就放手？甘心同Miss Wong分開？」

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蟲蟲一雙淚眼不停地流淚，佢好認真問我呢條問題，似乎好想知我嘅答覆。諷刺嘅係，呢一刻我竟然唔知要點答。蟲蟲見我沈默咗幾秒，我露出一面比佢考起嘅樣子時，佢就「噫——！」一聲，一份失落感由心靈深處藉由哭聲發出嚟。

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蟲蟲放開咗我，就頭也不回地奪門而去！

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「蟲蟲！」

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我喺佢後面嗌住，但蟲蟲步伐好快，於人群中穿插，搞到我就嚟跟唔上。片刻之後，蟲蟲走出百貨公司外，喺商場嘅中庭，而我亦都剛好追返上嚟。

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「蟲蟲！唔好走呀！」我叫喊住。

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蟲蟲停低，佢漸漸低下頭嚟，兩肩因為抽泣而震動緊。全身散發出孤獨可憐嘅感覺，令我好想從後攬住佢。我唔知呀！每次蟲蟲傷心時，我內心就係有呢種衝動！其實我⋯⋯一早就對蟲蟲由憐生愛！

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蟲蟲好似永遠都知我心入面諗緊咩。喺我未上前時，佢已經轉個身嚟，好大聲對住我喊，雙手不停抹眼淚，就好似同父母走失咗細路女咁。

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「唔可以呀！」

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「你唔可以咁樣做架！」

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「你冇比Miss Wong機會去挽救呢段關係呀！」

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「你自己⋯⋯嗚⋯⋯你自己都冇去努力補救呀！嗚⋯⋯」

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「⋯⋯」

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「你心入面仲有Miss Wong架⋯⋯我知你唔會咁易放手架⋯⋯」

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「⋯⋯蟲蟲，對唔住。我⋯⋯我唔係想搵你做水抱。」我連忙咁講：「我⋯⋯我⋯⋯我其實對你都——！」

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只見蟲蟲喊得更大聲，將我說話都打斷咗。

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「唔好鍾意我呀！」

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「⋯⋯我唔要我唔要我唔要呀！⋯⋯嗚⋯⋯」

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「我唔想受傷⋯⋯」

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「所有錫我、愛我嘅人最後都會走架！最後都會唔要我！最後都會丟低我一個人架⋯⋯嗚⋯⋯」

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「我唔要咁樣！唔好攞走我個希望呀！嗚⋯⋯」

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蟲蟲雙手掩面痛哭，言語間佢似乎唔係嬲我搵佢做水泡？

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「⋯⋯我好驚呀。我好驚連你都冇埋⋯⋯你係惟一令我感覺到自己仲存在緊呢個世界嘅人⋯⋯我好驚連你都冇埋呀⋯⋯嗚⋯⋯」

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「蟲蟲⋯⋯」我忍唔住，佢每一句說話、每段哭聲、一切一切都觸動緊我。但我只係輕輕踏前——

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「⋯⋯唔好再埋嚟⋯⋯」蟲蟲退後一步。

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「⋯⋯」

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「我唔要你對我咁好！我唔要⋯⋯我唔要呀！」

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「⋯⋯因為⋯⋯嗚⋯⋯因為⋯⋯⋯而家呢個距離已經好足夠⋯⋯」

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「⋯⋯阿匡⋯⋯一直以嚟同你經歷過嘅一切⋯⋯已經好令我心滿意足啦⋯⋯嗚⋯⋯」

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「⋯⋯」

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「⋯⋯點解⋯⋯點解⋯⋯嗚⋯⋯嗚⋯⋯」

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蟲蟲低頭痛哭，喃喃地重複同一句說話。片刻過後，佢就衝咗過嚟：「點解呀！！」蟲蟲兩手抱我，喺我懷中放聲大喊。

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「⋯⋯點解⋯⋯你要返嚟Art Room搵我⋯⋯點解你要喺黑暗中陪住我⋯⋯」

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「⋯⋯」

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「點解⋯⋯你唔由得我比啲狗嚇死⋯⋯點解⋯⋯點解你就係唔丟低我喎！點解呀！」

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「⋯⋯」

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「點解你要⋯⋯嗚⋯⋯你要話我知你係真實存在嘅人⋯⋯」

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「點解你要對我咁好呀⋯⋯」

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「⋯⋯」

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「點解你要對我咁溫柔呀⋯⋯」

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蟲蟲每一句說話都超出我意料之外，只感覺到佢而家嘅思緒相當混亂。

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「點解⋯⋯點解⋯⋯點解我⋯⋯」

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「⋯⋯」

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「點解我要鍾意你呀！」

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「⋯⋯我可以點做呀？⋯⋯我唔可以鍾意你！好驚⋯⋯好驚以後我同你做唔到朋友⋯⋯我以後再見唔到你⋯⋯嗚！」蟲蟲講完呢句喊得再激動啲，抱得我更緊。喺我懷中邊喊邊講：「我⋯⋯我⋯⋯好鍾意你⋯⋯嗚⋯⋯我真係好鍾意你⋯⋯」

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我感到面龐有一下溫熱，係蟲蟲喺我面龐上深深咁親吻咗一下。

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我唔識反應，只好睇住佢好快咁放開咗我，退後幾步。蟲蟲傷心嘅眼淚忍不住流出，嘴角努力地擠出微笑。佢好想講我知，我同佢呢一種「友達以上、戀人未滿」嘅關係已經令佢好滿足。但眼淚卻出賣咗佢。

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蟲蟲唔奢求我會比一個名份佢。或者講，佢唔敢，佢好怕得到後卻要面對失去嘅恐懼。然而，佢點努力平復情緒、點努力做返以前嘅佢、點努力想對我笑⋯⋯一切都徒勞無功。

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蟲蟲只要望住我，佢眼淚只會唔受控制咁流出嚟。佢激動地咬住嘴唇，彷彿有句說話想講，但佢知道呢句說話係唔可以講。

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係咩說話呢？係再見？係⋯⋯我地以後都唔好再見？

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只知道佢邊喊，邊慢慢後退，一步、兩步、最後佢忍心地別過了頭，轉身跑走咗。

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睇住蟲蟲漸漸遠去嘅背影，我內心好複雜。此時我先知自己不知不覺地喊咗出嚟。我內心好沈重，成個心好似要跌出嚟。

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我做錯咗啲咩？因為我想搵蟲蟲做水抱？

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唔係⋯⋯

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其實我做得最錯嘅係——我比咗蟲蟲一份希望。

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一份令佢相信呢個世界仲有人愛佢嘅希望。

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一份令佢相信自己值得被愛嘅希望。

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我明啦⋯⋯我明佢想講咩喇！

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只要從來都冇希望，佢就唔怕失望。

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只要從來冇擁有，佢就唔怕失去。

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只要我唔愛佢，佢就唔怕我終有一天會丟低佢一個。

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只要佢唔愛我，佢唔同我告白，就唔怕⋯⋯咦？！

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蟲蟲頭先卻同我講——

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「⋯⋯我真係好鍾意你⋯⋯」

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「蟲蟲⋯⋯」我喃喃地叫住佢個名。剎那間我感覺到一陣愧意喺內心擴張。

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