梳舟用一種分享趣事的方式說著他的故事,他微微笑了一聲,我也笑了出來,繼續說:「我說:『媽,妳看。』我媽盯著布丁看了五秒,然後盯著我十秒吧?大概吧?我記得我笑得很白癡,然後問她:『我們可不可以養牠?』我媽愣住,然後大笑好久。我媽說了什麼我不記得,反正她不同意,後來我爸回家,他也不同意,還臭罵了我一頓。其實我爸媽比我更愛小動物,我知道的他們瞞著我偷偷把晚餐的豬腳分給布丁吃,還沖掉多餘的鹽分,那是我那個時候完全沒考慮到的事,那個時候我不知道狗不能吃太鹹的東西。」(註:拜託千萬別這麼做!)87Please respect copyright.PENANAjIir4q4ShM
87Please respect copyright.PENANAMdUrgzLVCP
「我也知道我們家的環境不適合養狗,但是還是把布丁帶回家,真的有夠任性!欸,你覺得這樣......是不是很不負責任?」87Please respect copyright.PENANAkGMDz27BM8
87Please respect copyright.PENANAxlEiNdrMtP
「嗯......如果布丁非常想跟你回家,應該就不會吧?養寵物本來就會遇到問題吧?遇到問題就......再慢慢想辦法解決就好?」還是應該要做好萬全的準備才能養寵物?就算做好準備,還不是會發生許多沒想過的事?87Please respect copyright.PENANAP4RW8WHyjd
87Please respect copyright.PENANARjczbyxUzp
「是嗎?」他說。87Please respect copyright.PENANAgHF03iYIvJ
87Please respect copyright.PENANAkgaA1Z2xvR
剛剛的小黑狗被主人牽上牽繩,又開始在小山丘上玩起奔跑的遊戲。87Please respect copyright.PENANASLKipLZ633
87Please respect copyright.PENANA5uJtLjJggd
「布丁牠有生病,牠會咳嗽,但是我什麼都沒考慮,就直接把牠帶回家,我爸媽把牠送到獸醫院,花了一大筆錢,最後沒救活。後來他們那些大人怎麼處理布丁的,我完全不知道,其實牠被送到醫院之後我就沒見過牠幾眼。」87Please respect copyright.PENANAj9mEW4rp5w
87Please respect copyright.PENANAO4bg0D0y24
他抿了抿嘴,說:「死得很不真實。」 這句話在我腦好裡迴盪不下千百次,「死的很不真實」,聽他的語氣像是整個世界只剩下這句話有聲音。87Please respect copyright.PENANAtpyUrzI1md
87Please respect copyright.PENANAFHZ1d4tPhl
「哼!只是死了。」他又說。梳舟那般無關緊要的悶哼,無關緊要地讓人心疼。他開口,我等到了他的聲音,他把原本寧靜的世界帶向有聲,卻也因為他的聲音把世界帶到了比起安靜還要可怕的孤寂,這種感覺好痛苦。他微笑地帶過死亡,僅此而已。87Please respect copyright.PENANAdIyF24Ykxo
87Please respect copyright.PENANApr6Bns1NCO
我想安慰他,但是我沒辦法說出「布丁一定非常感謝你帶他回家」或是「布丁只是到天上去當小天使了,他現在一定很快樂」,我說不出口,我沒辦法,我不能臆測死亡、我不能、我做不到、我沒辦法。87Please respect copyright.PENANAooi2F4mKMy
87Please respect copyright.PENANAPkzi02scun
只是死了。87Please respect copyright.PENANAysH7hNoRXV
87Please respect copyright.PENANAEjXzqDtqn3
沒有被目睹的死亡,會被怎麼樣揣測呢?會被想像的多痛苦?而痛苦的是已經既定的死亡?還是活著被擱下的人?87Please respect copyright.PENANAyZXD6XV6Cv
87Please respect copyright.PENANAykXN25XVqm
「我爸跟我媽不知道布丁的名字,我沒有說,他們只叫他小狗,因為我在他們面前只叫他小狗。」87Please respect copyright.PENANAMbV0DGRtfA
87Please respect copyright.PENANA564wlwDiFf
這樣一份溫柔,大概是被溫柔對待的人永遠不會知道的吧?這一份令人心疼的溫柔。87Please respect copyright.PENANAnXRxpMINIL
87Please respect copyright.PENANAcmjle8RHNd
「明明『布丁』這個名字是我取的,卻連我都不這麼叫牠,不知道牠會不會不開心呢?」87Please respect copyright.PENANAWwSRUaBmUG
87Please respect copyright.PENANAQ9gUwZGCQ1
他忽然提高八度:「哎呀!不是呀?我說這些會不會太沉重啊?」87Please respect copyright.PENANAdY8lOfhTtb
87Please respect copyright.PENANAnkDZK8dXoF
「嗯,不會。」我說。87Please respect copyright.PENANAthy3UBHKGy
87Please respect copyright.PENANAaV8EtnzGqy
「認識布丁的人,我的那些朋友,還有馬鈴薯,沒有人知道布丁走了,我告訴他們,我住在山上的阿伯覺得牠很可愛想養牠,就把他帶去山上養了。他們問我可不可以有一天大家一起去找布丁玩,我說可以。」87Please respect copyright.PENANAOqijSSRAff
87Please respect copyright.PENANASt5dNIYuT5
「然後我就轉學了。」87Please respect copyright.PENANAz5M5505GA6
87Please respect copyright.PENANA6i0918puSQ
「或許我只是不想承認,不想讓大家知道我沒有把布丁照顧好。」87Please respect copyright.PENANAhBVDEEsRKO
87Please respect copyright.PENANASCFQNv4Qrg
「抱歉,本來只是想講偷偷帶狗回家的故事,因為自己也覺得蠻好笑的,結果不小心把氣氛搞砸了。」他說。87Please respect copyright.PENANAl7Xn36BMDM
87Please respect copyright.PENANAViL7vZfAVp
「不會呀。」我說。87Please respect copyright.PENANAFzeGnqIcQ5
87Please respect copyright.PENANADpjhCHvbZd
梳舟沒有再說話,我以為他哭了但他沒有,只是靜靜的看著剛剛那隻狗狗跟著主人跑來跑去。87Please respect copyright.PENANA6FG9f5cktA
87Please respect copyright.PENANAf51DWAwYTQ
梳舟現在心裡在想什麼呢?他想念布丁嗎?以及與他們有關的其他所有人?87Please respect copyright.PENANAjkKc7P8mHs
87Please respect copyright.PENANAEbyCzvF1rg
「喂!你覺得是人牽狗,還是狗牽人?」87Please respect copyright.PENANAuDp8Zm3HFq
87Please respect copyright.PENANAbYNt3Pr5d5
他是這麼問的,在他的問題裡,誰為主體誰又為客體?還是語言分歧了先後,給了我們從屬的錯覺?87Please respect copyright.PENANAG12Gw9EyGj
87Please respect copyright.PENANA53P6U7Suu8
梳舟、梳舟、梳舟......我在心裡默默呼喚了不下千百次。梳舟,你在想什麼呢?不管是什麼樣的情緒,你願意讓我分擔一些嗎?梳舟?你怎麼都不說話了呢?你只是靜靜地看著剛剛的狗狗跟著主人回家。87Please respect copyright.PENANACGvH5o0k5i
87Please respect copyright.PENANAOtzygVSHw3
我勾住他的肩膀,有點太大力了,他嚇了一跳。87Please respect copyright.PENANAXGwzZGWBid
87Please respect copyright.PENANAOLRCNFBAJr
「你哭屁呀?我都沒哭!你是在那邊哭屁呀?」他問。87Please respect copyright.PENANAow8nU3OoY8
87Please respect copyright.PENANAuRBdHQPKBd
「我才沒有哭!」我到底哭屁啊?87Please respect copyright.PENANAknmwm3SFv3
87Please respect copyright.PENANAenpRxtTOyZ
梳舟很用力地回勾我的肩膀,超痛,害我叫出聲來,路人還用奇怪的眼神揣測我們到底在幹嘛。87Please respect copyright.PENANAvphXBFMT5v
87Please respect copyright.PENANAfxxEcLy9qy
加上了時間,照片會泛黃,天色也是一樣。第一次見到他時,見到的就是埋沒在半個夕陽下的他,而今天梳舟完整地沐浴在夕陽之下,陽光流淌在他身上。我曾為他畫畫的樣子著迷,如今,我沉溺於他退去盔甲、攤展自己脆弱的模樣,這讓我覺得自己也可以放心在他面前交付自己的脆弱,可以輕易地交付出自己也不曾正視的自己。87Please respect copyright.PENANA7FgosUYH6o
87Please respect copyright.PENANArq2LdLyYtP
我曾經養過一隻貓的,不,不應該用「養」這個字,也不應該只是「我」,怎麼說呢?如果不嫌棄矯情說法的話,應該可以概括詮釋成「一段有貓咪參與的故事」吧!87Please respect copyright.PENANAmIMZM4RQ8n
87Please respect copyright.PENANAuJ70XIhHBq
風箏是用紅色塑膠袋做的,上面有一些龐克塗鴉,是之前逛市集時用來裝亂買的鐵皮畫的。因為風箏有點大不好攜帶,所以我沒有把骨架固定好,現在才開始組裝。87Please respect copyright.PENANAXdsvy0fqAd
87Please respect copyright.PENANAvSsF0YyYnI
「飛得起來嗎?」梳舟一邊幫我撐開塑膠布一邊問。87Please respect copyright.PENANA1qo1C3G69K
87Please respect copyright.PENANA4JyRn1K2Wt
「可以吧?我沒有失敗過。」87Please respect copyright.PENANAVbcaOeuPTv
87Please respect copyright.PENANASvkmjjP3RA
「喔?這麼囂張?」87Please respect copyright.PENANApZjJFpytVt
87Please respect copyright.PENANA21NHCwkq8a
坦白說,我也很久很久很久沒放風箏了,上一次玩應該是大學的時候,和大學學長一起放的吧?87Please respect copyright.PENANAXIXhaMbLK2
87Please respect copyright.PENANAvaDgogWUD4
一切準備就緒,我把風箏舉起,面對著尾巴所指的方向,背對著風,我把風箏交給了梳舟,接著拿著集線器走到距離十公尺處,感受著風。87Please respect copyright.PENANAZ4CLMwxLYA
87Please respect copyright.PENANADIqAtqxRad
「三、二、一,跑!」87Please respect copyright.PENANA2G4YOwCESI
87Please respect copyright.PENANAZzZGIY7Orf
梳舟放開風箏,逆著風向,風箏飛起來了。線緊的時候放、鬆的時候收,風箏越飛越高,到了穩定的高度時,我把集線器交給梳舟,梳舟緊緊盯著飛上天的風箏,沒仔細看好,就把我的雙手一併收下。87Please respect copyright.PENANAaXqCBQRTbu
87Please respect copyright.PENANAyYItiUsyeZ
「自己拿好啦!」我說,並且把雙手抽走,但他已經興奮地聽不見我的聲音了,像個孩子玩著第一次玩的玩具一樣興奮。87Please respect copyright.PENANAT6N8zogQQD
87Please respect copyright.PENANANhYFIS04vr
「欸!可以讓它再飛更高嗎?」梳舟問,沒等我回答,就開始放線,高度越來越高,梳舟忍不住歡呼了起來。87Please respect copyright.PENANAMXwtAhqJAy
87Please respect copyright.PENANAo0kyi92SQ4
「嗚呼!好高喔!呦~呼~」87Please respect copyright.PENANAVYUt0ReDWU
87Please respect copyright.PENANAc3ShskOTSY
看著飛起來的風箏,附近每個人的臉都是笑著的,但這個時候誰也不會注意到大家的表情,因為所有人都專注在飛得好高好高的風箏上。或許早在很久很久以前,我就習慣了遠在天邊的風箏,早已對充滿距離的美好沒有稀罕,太遙遠的東西就放手吧!現在的我,想要好好守住身邊那一些細碎的快樂,像主人和小狗一樣,我想保住牽繩,無論是繫在自己身上的,亦或手中緊握的。僅此足已。87Please respect copyright.PENANADTOcTYMwqJ
87Please respect copyright.PENANAyFylNb7mYp
風箏飛得好高,好高好高,在天空中已經高到變成看不清楚是什麼顏色的黑點。87Please respect copyright.PENANAgVn8eiJy7c
87Please respect copyright.PENANARKafDbiyeY
「欸!俊榮!你看!我們把線全部放掉好不好?」87Please respect copyright.PENANAcJK1cveYdf
87Please respect copyright.PENANA8wxMQjlz7y
陽光好刺,紫外線讓人眯起雙眼,但我沒有辦法把目光移開風箏,我想看它在天空中飛翔的美好,想對著他微笑,並且希望他又不會看到......87Please respect copyright.PENANA5zyLLzWk3E
87Please respect copyright.PENANAfC8eYOKXdQ
「放掉吧!」
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筆下的你【BL】
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筆下的你【BL】
Author:
叉子
ISSUE #5
05 放掉吧
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