「愛是慾望和罪惡的假設!」,有些時候我還滿渴望這樣大喊的。136Please respect copyright.PENANAXeLmiDpftN
136Please respect copyright.PENANA7CD0fhWYUB
早上學長傳了訊息,說他要上來台北,問我方不方便借他住一天,我問他什麼時候要上來?要做什麼?他回:「怎?交女朋友了喔?」後,就沒有再回覆他了。136Please respect copyright.PENANA7GTvbW9LS4
136Please respect copyright.PENANAhZJsTMaZBz
下午,到了和梳舟約好要接他的地點,卻不見他人影,打電話也沒有接,又過了一陣子,才發現十分鐘前他傳的訊息,他說他有一個作品集趕不太出來,最近要在組員家趕工,說我今天不用去找他了,也剛好讓兩個人都靜一靜。136Please respect copyright.PENANAgo7AQKAMjt
136Please respect copyright.PENANAZBeEGppvHs
該打電話跟他說學長要上來台北的事嗎?這種事是不是應該當面講比較尊重對方?學長說要來借住的事,我應該要直接拒絕還是詢問他的意見?136Please respect copyright.PENANAB4NvnVpIvj
136Please respect copyright.PENANAF70RCmDZIJ
我拿起掛在腳邊的、梳舟專用的安全帽,收進置物箱,並傳了訊息回覆他:「也好」。136Please respect copyright.PENANAAMdDDgKoeV
136Please respect copyright.PENANAf4hbhOzIXN
到了晚上,我接到學長的電話。136Please respect copyright.PENANAtfjLE0Y2eE
136Please respect copyright.PENANA0mFIDzeier
「怎樣?你真的交女朋友了?」學長問。136Please respect copyright.PENANA7GqFUtJHFw
136Please respect copyright.PENANAUhyrrGmfY5
「沒有,但室友會不開心。」我說,其實也不算是說謊,因為梳舟,某種程度上也算是「室友」吧!再說,我也不打算做出讓梳舟懷疑的事;另外,很多事情,好像也是時候說出口了。「不然我們要不要約吃飯?也好久沒見面了。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAlWVr6gKyIa
136Please respect copyright.PENANAe2qg5eGKLE
「也是,一年?還是兩年了?上次見面是什麼時候?」136Please respect copyright.PENANAUY5RwDDT3U
136Please respect copyright.PENANAB2ZUupJ1Xy
「小盧生日那次,視訊算嗎?」小盧是我們還在學校宿舍時的其中一個室友,之前我們還有在室友生日時視訊聊天慶祝的習慣,現在也沒有了。136Please respect copyright.PENANARInPJQuAy6
136Please respect copyright.PENANAQTq9jUDUZf
「好像吧?那真的有點久,兩年前?」136Please respect copyright.PENANAwWEFNCSxea
136Please respect copyright.PENANAB8fCntdsEj
「應該是。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAjsIUWM04IR
136Please respect copyright.PENANAY4NSS9tY4u
或許真的過了太久,我也有點不知道要和學長聊什麼,總覺得接起話來卡卡的,只是不斷複習過去發生過的事,宿舍、室友、學校云云,不過很快地,尷尬的感覺就消失了。136Please respect copyright.PENANAg2SPtx3FQG
136Please respect copyright.PENANACVd58m6oZv
「你上來台北要做什麼?」我問。136Please respect copyright.PENANA49cw8eY6pF
136Please respect copyright.PENANAeRDykxhIiP
「簡單來說,就是要跟廠商簽合約,對方那邊還希望我去台北做正職,有點心動,不過應該會拒絕。你呢?最近過得怎麼樣?」136Please respect copyright.PENANAnNs5ZCgALY
136Please respect copyright.PENANAvH1pnFvDQg
「我還是一樣啦!沒什麼好說的。為什麼要拒絕?薪水不高?」136Please respect copyright.PENANA32hwbzJvZV
136Please respect copyright.PENANAoyJTdBQICM
「主要是因為人生規劃吧!不太適合。欸不是!我們現在都把話題聊完,見面會不知道要說什麼欸!」136Please respect copyright.PENANAL90ZFzhGv8
136Please respect copyright.PENANAddcggpBI21
學生時代,我們很喜歡到處吃不同的火鍋,這次也是,就連做的事也和學生時代一樣,飲料吧的飲料隨便亂加,最後再丟冰淇淋上去或是擠一坨冰沙,看起來都很難喝,但通常口感都不錯。學長也一樣,喜歡講好多無所謂卻很好笑的幹話,讓人忘記了時間,我們一直待到火鍋店打烊。136Please respect copyright.PENANAVesXFGWQPy
136Please respect copyright.PENANAthZtQ1tHdd
我問學長要不要載他去他下榻的飯店,他說不用,他想抽根菸再搭捷運回去。136Please respect copyright.PENANAqhU2q6Gdbs
136Please respect copyright.PENANAedFZoZgf2a
「我陪你抽完一根再走。」我說。136Please respect copyright.PENANAirn2Fxh4di
136Please respect copyright.PENANAblTdJeRPo4
台北的吸煙區不多,我們找到附近有一間居酒屋有戶外吸菸區,低消是一杯飲料,但用走的太遠。我把平時梳舟專用的安全帽遞給學長。136Please respect copyright.PENANAQZRk9gtGHh
136Please respect copyright.PENANABbK3Grwhme
學長撫摸著安全帽上的使用痕跡問:「你隨時都會帶兩頂安全帽?還是今天跟別人借的?」136Please respect copyright.PENANA2pu8577D9x
136Please respect copyright.PENANAgk855hRfT3
或許那已經超越了暗示,這樣的對話早就成為我們溝通的語言,早就並非「言下之意」那般單純,文字所承載的,在我們之間只剩下文字背後的意思。136Please respect copyright.PENANAQIMG6rBIL0
136Please respect copyright.PENANAeTLuQTbu6H
「因為我需要用到兩頂。」我說。136Please respect copyright.PENANA8mLK7uFEDi
136Please respect copyright.PENANARUhI0q2c2V
到了居酒屋,我們都點了沒有酒精的氣泡飲料。學長點了煙,叼著,也遞了一支給我,我說不用。136Please respect copyright.PENANADKLEYldowY
136Please respect copyright.PENANAaarXXkdVWn
戶外只有我們一組客人,燈光暗暗的,學長指間的星火像是為夜晚點道:「我交女朋友了,已經有一段時間,一直沒機會告訴你。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAhwqqOnQWPs
136Please respect copyright.PENANAJLMVvmf7R5
「我知道。」我說。136Please respect copyright.PENANAXDbPfPJamy
136Please respect copyright.PENANAfjycBBPQvI
「上禮拜求婚了。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAUsHYDv5cyV
136Please respect copyright.PENANAjPEymn8olL
「恭喜。」真的是恭喜,沒有其他特別的意思了。 我們舉起氣泡水,互相敬了一下。136Please respect copyright.PENANAqEblPtb7Ur
136Please respect copyright.PENANAdeK2INKWRU
「我也有交往的人了。」我說。136Please respect copyright.PENANAlGuPlaGl6L
136Please respect copyright.PENANAu7FLBHqBnM
「女朋友?」136Please respect copyright.PENANAS2hi8bRXDC
136Please respect copyright.PENANAxcObB0nhQw
「男朋友。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAlfHvhzLGG4
136Please respect copyright.PENANAUOVmRtSPVo
語畢,學長吸了一大口煙,然後緩緩吐出,並接著說:「我一直想問你,你是純的?還是雙?」136Please respect copyright.PENANAwcb5dGojR1
136Please respect copyright.PENANA3eKbyaKPjH
其實,我真的也沒有認真想過這個問題,或說這些事,從來不是以「問題」的姿態出現在我面前,只是一切就這麼發生了。136Please respect copyright.PENANAcBPoCkzCtb
136Please respect copyright.PENANA7PQDvZVtQr
「不知道,」我說,抿了抿嘴唇後,繼續:「只是碰巧,碰巧你和他都是男的。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAKLKgM2fEtl
136Please respect copyright.PENANAGGu4gvVKvA
學長沒有回話,只是靜靜吐霧吞雲;氣泡水裡加了薄荷,嗆的喉嚨有些搔癢,我很努力忍住不咳出來,又啜飲了幾口,才把那股癢給壓下去。136Please respect copyright.PENANAROmrsrCHGi
136Please respect copyright.PENANAcwfnmH2udz
將菸捻滅後,學長才開口:「婚禮,大概是這兩、三個月內會辦。你,要來嗎?」136Please respect copyright.PENANARo4LbQzyJK
136Please respect copyright.PENANAOl3CqlAw5O
我笑著搖了搖頭,舉起飲料,示意要敬學長,學長也舉起了他的,一飲而盡。遂後,學長點了兩支菸,遞給了我一支。136Please respect copyright.PENANASgBQszkEj3
136Please respect copyright.PENANAu4jDC5vgIu
「我真的不抽菸。」136Please respect copyright.PENANA7wHUCea67X
136Please respect copyright.PENANAdNzSiJOMDe
「我知道。」學長笑著牽起我的左手,他把菸嵌在自己第三和第四根手指之間,也對我做了同樣的事。136Please respect copyright.PENANAEX17fUjFR6
136Please respect copyright.PENANAFblZ3Ubs0d
「學長,等一……那個……」136Please respect copyright.PENANAFeH2O9Wh63
136Please respect copyright.PENANATlFF7Z0l2S
「我知道,沒事的,放心。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAbtle7ukSLs
136Please respect copyright.PENANAAoyevmGjrC
菸火於夜,煒然,好像星點墮落在我們之間;「如果」,心底深處某個角落偷偷期望著「如果」。恍恍惚惚,我在想,如果那時候我沒有把學長推開,會發生什麼事呢?136Please respect copyright.PENANAHFKaeywUBU
136Please respect copyright.PENANArRvZkQm8jY
我們輕輕把自己的手放在對方的手上。學長、學長、學長,這一次,我沒有逃走、沒有把你退開,只是慾望已非點燃,而是漸漸化作灰燼,是片片塵埃飄在夜的天空中悠揚。136Please respect copyright.PENANAeF5QL2vSSJ
136Please respect copyright.PENANA61jQWyDx8I
「他是個怎麼樣的人?」學長問。136Please respect copyright.PENANAtypyiym4Cj
136Please respect copyright.PENANAkVpNW8rgzV
「小小隻的、很有活力、一開口說話就會停不下來,怎麼說呢?他給人一種······什麼事情都辦得到、都是有可能的感覺,不會輸給任何事情的感覺,不過有時候也會鬧彆扭就是了。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAecXAOl9XhR
136Please respect copyright.PENANAGF7ZZba59E
「『不會輸給任何事情』這種感覺······真好!學生?還是在上班了?」136Please respect copyright.PENANAU9K23lIWJt
136Please respect copyright.PENANAuktrR9KpGK
「還是學生,大學,說起來,學長你也還是學生耶!」136Please respect copyright.PENANAbiH506fNXQ
136Please respect copyright.PENANAWYE8oYZERK
「快畢業了啦!」學長邊說邊皺起眉,同時緊抓我的手作為報復。「『不會輸給任何事情』,聽起來真的是非常熱血。我好羨慕他,真的。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAXOd6XdD4Fr
136Please respect copyright.PENANAetAO4kDiAU
「嗯,我也是。是他讓我意識到,不應該把『夢想』當成是『夢想』,應該它當作『現實』。不過說真的,夢想什麼的,真的去做了本來就變成了現實。」136Please respect copyright.PENANA4wKgUc3Gjw
136Please respect copyright.PENANADDzhENYFvp
「我反而覺得,還在『夢』的階段是最美的,不管什麼東西,只要跟『現實』沾上邊,好像就······怎麼說呢?變得比較痛苦?好像也不一定,應該說變得比較······沒那麼深刻?或許可以說,已經實現的夢,就會讓人忘記它是夢了?」136Please respect copyright.PENANAHeMskxMcI9
136Please respect copyright.PENANA08Z0LYIVup
「你這是·····直接竄改了『夢想』的定義了吧?」136Please respect copyright.PENANAG8yA68XcIq
136Please respect copyright.PENANAU8jIj5YT8R
好懷念,我們以前也常常這樣,不知不覺中討論起好像有點厲害的議題什麼的,然後誰也沒說服誰,也沒有討論出一個整合的結論,根本就沒又進入同一個脈絡裡。136Please respect copyright.PENANAlqZohzB7TK
136Please respect copyright.PENANAXzzVQQ9G89
菸燒了一半,很快又超過了一半的一半,到了接近濾嘴的地方,味道就變得有點臭了。136Please respect copyright.PENANAWBBu9pRxML
136Please respect copyright.PENANALlrrJjkEwG
「那學長的女朋······未婚妻是什麼樣的人?」136Please respect copyright.PENANAsdMZZYMxc8
136Please respect copyright.PENANADlc1i4YeY4
「你要看照片嗎?」136Please respect copyright.PENANAgO6FNvl0TK
136Please respect copyright.PENANAWDV2VEG4w8
「嗯。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAvDlrb9o1L4
136Please respect copyright.PENANAMxvMLly5nw
我們把菸熄了, 那時候沒有意識到,但現在回想起來,那時候的我們似乎沒有留戀餘菸,只是完整地達成了制式化的既有規則:把煙蒂丟進煙灰缸裡。136Please respect copyright.PENANAwfyNgQCumZ
136Please respect copyright.PENANA8aG36N2g2Y
學長把手機遞給我。136Please respect copyright.PENANAlpnywfSEwW
136Please respect copyright.PENANAmC4ImcUe0n
「那是我們之前和朋友去海邊的時候拍的。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAU2GRDs5F1n
136Please respect copyright.PENANAYg2qalnFB6
是個……就……女生。笑起來呆呆的女孩子。136Please respect copyright.PENANAldno61Ry6j
136Please respect copyright.PENANAgSWuXjwgbs
學長說了一些他未婚妻的事,包括會生起床氣、包包很亂、還有她包容學長各種亂七八糟的臭個性等種種。136Please respect copyright.PENANAz7l6ejWita
136Please respect copyright.PENANAvnuuhK8B9o
「我和她……說過你,她也知道我今天要來找你。」136Please respect copyright.PENANA9DtdOKuk1d
136Please respect copyright.PENANAbhWG5Kmwim
「嗯。」我把手機遞還給他。136Please respect copyright.PENANAIyRi4PDm19
136Please respect copyright.PENANAKZeLoy4shT
「那時候······為什麼······你為什麼把我······把我推開?」學長接回手機,看著手機裡的照片緩緩道,像是挖掘躺在塵土裡百年的古物,慢慢、小心翼翼。136Please respect copyright.PENANAAAh8lEtnt1
136Please respect copyright.PENANALIob4uDlRg
這個問題我想過不下百次,但卻沒有任何一次下定結論,我沒有辦法馬上回答。卸下肩膀的重量,我嘆了口氣靠在椅背上,仰頭望向根本沒有星星的夜空,看見的只是黏上眼鏡的小灰塵。136Please respect copyright.PENANAoxJsIEUSc2
136Please respect copyright.PENANAIpH0IIfDE4
「可能只是不想把鼻涕沾到你身上?」我說。136Please respect copyright.PENANAPO5sJazeaW
136Please respect copyright.PENANAtNSpe3UnlR
「這個答案我喜歡。」學長笑了。136Please respect copyright.PENANAxJzpq3nxxm
136Please respect copyright.PENANAJJDZDgGSE4
我們離開居酒屋,到了停車的地方,我把安全帽遞給他,問他住哪一家飯店,但他沒有接過安全帽,只是笑了笑並搖了搖頭。136Please respect copyright.PENANAeitCLSwz3X
136Please respect copyright.PENANAFnXh3vbKFb
「這是他的?對吧?」學長問的是安全帽。136Please respect copyright.PENANAGJhjAYSnAC
136Please respect copyright.PENANAUJeIkPWBIj
我點了點頭,沒有回話。136Please respect copyright.PENANAFHP0Xfdv4c
136Please respect copyright.PENANAQyekxyygSU
「之前是我······丟下你一個人騎車跑了,總覺得·····你也應該對我做一樣的事才算公平。」學長說。136Please respect copyright.PENANAJvPCvwNi0c
136Please respect copyright.PENANAMgsgZ1Yemk
總覺得、總覺得,學長的眼眶似乎紅紅的;總覺得,再這麼下去我一定會忍不住問他,問他為什麼那時候要在半夜偷偷擠到我的床上?為什麼要問我要不要一起住?為什麼偷用我的沐浴乳?偷用我的洗髮精?136Please respect copyright.PENANAgMFnq8ClOf
136Please respect copyright.PENANARJTfZ1QA3E
我把梳舟的安全帽收好,也替自己戴上安全帽,看著學長,等引擎也動好時,才開口:「恭喜你結婚了,再見。」136Please respect copyright.PENANAgGwn1kBYsp
136Please respect copyright.PENANA6GUQy38QRt
學長舉起手,示意再見,我也點頭回應他。136Please respect copyright.PENANAooDv2B3EUN
136Please respect copyright.PENANA0EjC3zfzeI
離開時,我努力克制著自己不去偷看後照鏡、不去想學長在身後是什麼樣的表情。136Please respect copyright.PENANANSQ0SCdMvL
136Please respect copyright.PENANAcPJgpoUY7P
我騎到了梳舟住的大樓下,把車停在對面,熄火。一樓、二樓、三樓······,只知道他在哪一層,卻不清楚確切來說他到底是哪一間。可以·····打電話煩他嗎?我握著手機,在他家樓下自己一個人坐了好久好久、好久好久。136Please respect copyright.PENANADOfi520FkU
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18 愛是慾望和罪惡的假設
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