「愛是慾望和罪惡的假設!」,有些時候我還滿渴望這樣大喊的。134Please respect copyright.PENANAVZ2Sq7t0gx
134Please respect copyright.PENANA45NsxpgaTf
早上學長傳了訊息,說他要上來台北,問我方不方便借他住一天,我問他什麼時候要上來?要做什麼?他回:「怎?交女朋友了喔?」後,就沒有再回覆他了。134Please respect copyright.PENANAvAGE83uwLY
134Please respect copyright.PENANA5Fm5sOeefO
下午,到了和梳舟約好要接他的地點,卻不見他人影,打電話也沒有接,又過了一陣子,才發現十分鐘前他傳的訊息,他說他有一個作品集趕不太出來,最近要在組員家趕工,說我今天不用去找他了,也剛好讓兩個人都靜一靜。134Please respect copyright.PENANAc7NfWczKgB
134Please respect copyright.PENANAsNYQGMllk2
該打電話跟他說學長要上來台北的事嗎?這種事是不是應該當面講比較尊重對方?學長說要來借住的事,我應該要直接拒絕還是詢問他的意見?134Please respect copyright.PENANAJOjvInkvFH
134Please respect copyright.PENANAF6qHnoeCoO
我拿起掛在腳邊的、梳舟專用的安全帽,收進置物箱,並傳了訊息回覆他:「也好」。134Please respect copyright.PENANA6T8Ol125dO
134Please respect copyright.PENANANzGUnP368X
到了晚上,我接到學長的電話。134Please respect copyright.PENANADKAFL4dL8c
134Please respect copyright.PENANAAedSYbaIIn
「怎樣?你真的交女朋友了?」學長問。134Please respect copyright.PENANAfL9iPJ1q0S
134Please respect copyright.PENANA6yziNjuXEX
「沒有,但室友會不開心。」我說,其實也不算是說謊,因為梳舟,某種程度上也算是「室友」吧!再說,我也不打算做出讓梳舟懷疑的事;另外,很多事情,好像也是時候說出口了。「不然我們要不要約吃飯?也好久沒見面了。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAMVr83UxRqv
134Please respect copyright.PENANAbStKRE3e32
「也是,一年?還是兩年了?上次見面是什麼時候?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAn7JY3mRuXF
134Please respect copyright.PENANAhgv0E5zhlC
「小盧生日那次,視訊算嗎?」小盧是我們還在學校宿舍時的其中一個室友,之前我們還有在室友生日時視訊聊天慶祝的習慣,現在也沒有了。134Please respect copyright.PENANAhBNwdooZYT
134Please respect copyright.PENANAL5Q2bxnTs9
「好像吧?那真的有點久,兩年前?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAEMiaDSpjem
134Please respect copyright.PENANAECkFyFNTl7
「應該是。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAUqSoAULM1P
134Please respect copyright.PENANAEfhwCTDusw
或許真的過了太久,我也有點不知道要和學長聊什麼,總覺得接起話來卡卡的,只是不斷複習過去發生過的事,宿舍、室友、學校云云,不過很快地,尷尬的感覺就消失了。134Please respect copyright.PENANABhYxePY0kH
134Please respect copyright.PENANAhNiGuXbuId
「你上來台北要做什麼?」我問。134Please respect copyright.PENANAf8Fqs9FaQ9
134Please respect copyright.PENANAByocvISYjH
「簡單來說,就是要跟廠商簽合約,對方那邊還希望我去台北做正職,有點心動,不過應該會拒絕。你呢?最近過得怎麼樣?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAZtfUqPZi0y
134Please respect copyright.PENANAVZZlh01KiX
「我還是一樣啦!沒什麼好說的。為什麼要拒絕?薪水不高?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAGeL7fY556C
134Please respect copyright.PENANAnopi6WOVYa
「主要是因為人生規劃吧!不太適合。欸不是!我們現在都把話題聊完,見面會不知道要說什麼欸!」134Please respect copyright.PENANAooCbYB66WG
134Please respect copyright.PENANA6c5uuxikaq
學生時代,我們很喜歡到處吃不同的火鍋,這次也是,就連做的事也和學生時代一樣,飲料吧的飲料隨便亂加,最後再丟冰淇淋上去或是擠一坨冰沙,看起來都很難喝,但通常口感都不錯。學長也一樣,喜歡講好多無所謂卻很好笑的幹話,讓人忘記了時間,我們一直待到火鍋店打烊。134Please respect copyright.PENANASosDdDC14M
134Please respect copyright.PENANApIELndUwgx
我問學長要不要載他去他下榻的飯店,他說不用,他想抽根菸再搭捷運回去。134Please respect copyright.PENANAO28PwZXp8G
134Please respect copyright.PENANAfZJBQ28Uaz
「我陪你抽完一根再走。」我說。134Please respect copyright.PENANAEYifzPLS9K
134Please respect copyright.PENANA7eTr2YPDUN
台北的吸煙區不多,我們找到附近有一間居酒屋有戶外吸菸區,低消是一杯飲料,但用走的太遠。我把平時梳舟專用的安全帽遞給學長。134Please respect copyright.PENANAMYhWG8OBPs
134Please respect copyright.PENANA5fO2B9VAsB
學長撫摸著安全帽上的使用痕跡問:「你隨時都會帶兩頂安全帽?還是今天跟別人借的?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAwQlETjyMl3
134Please respect copyright.PENANAoOFTNHJfiL
或許那已經超越了暗示,這樣的對話早就成為我們溝通的語言,早就並非「言下之意」那般單純,文字所承載的,在我們之間只剩下文字背後的意思。134Please respect copyright.PENANAqFELh9WQ9z
134Please respect copyright.PENANAS1PBraaR4m
「因為我需要用到兩頂。」我說。134Please respect copyright.PENANARZbQKvvO0y
134Please respect copyright.PENANAeAjIelxlVi
到了居酒屋,我們都點了沒有酒精的氣泡飲料。學長點了煙,叼著,也遞了一支給我,我說不用。134Please respect copyright.PENANA2tcKr62ZIU
134Please respect copyright.PENANAMSQ64bDGc2
戶外只有我們一組客人,燈光暗暗的,學長指間的星火像是為夜晚點道:「我交女朋友了,已經有一段時間,一直沒機會告訴你。」134Please respect copyright.PENANArl2kJlcwxL
134Please respect copyright.PENANA2sKGe13UeV
「我知道。」我說。134Please respect copyright.PENANAbx08mXvysD
134Please respect copyright.PENANAEuFtJURhfK
「上禮拜求婚了。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAKksd9NSByc
134Please respect copyright.PENANAd13yqDvD2S
「恭喜。」真的是恭喜,沒有其他特別的意思了。 我們舉起氣泡水,互相敬了一下。134Please respect copyright.PENANASq4yA3PEUl
134Please respect copyright.PENANAEarEZ2cwXG
「我也有交往的人了。」我說。134Please respect copyright.PENANAClik1KJ8mx
134Please respect copyright.PENANAH6lXiRFZ0G
「女朋友?」134Please respect copyright.PENANACSK3vmUHVC
134Please respect copyright.PENANAbm7fVcfmoa
「男朋友。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAgUubOtf7pX
134Please respect copyright.PENANARwJ7SYmATB
語畢,學長吸了一大口煙,然後緩緩吐出,並接著說:「我一直想問你,你是純的?還是雙?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAEyQMqcjSjJ
134Please respect copyright.PENANAeHi2LICZ1M
其實,我真的也沒有認真想過這個問題,或說這些事,從來不是以「問題」的姿態出現在我面前,只是一切就這麼發生了。134Please respect copyright.PENANAiLmFfcCCKI
134Please respect copyright.PENANAYwEtXf3Vz5
「不知道,」我說,抿了抿嘴唇後,繼續:「只是碰巧,碰巧你和他都是男的。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAfnn77E0Wxi
134Please respect copyright.PENANAE6Hc4VXK3M
學長沒有回話,只是靜靜吐霧吞雲;氣泡水裡加了薄荷,嗆的喉嚨有些搔癢,我很努力忍住不咳出來,又啜飲了幾口,才把那股癢給壓下去。134Please respect copyright.PENANAs5XCFXthdZ
134Please respect copyright.PENANA4Rsn7chNFW
將菸捻滅後,學長才開口:「婚禮,大概是這兩、三個月內會辦。你,要來嗎?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAtE1feIvzzk
134Please respect copyright.PENANAkeCbRizLkp
我笑著搖了搖頭,舉起飲料,示意要敬學長,學長也舉起了他的,一飲而盡。遂後,學長點了兩支菸,遞給了我一支。134Please respect copyright.PENANAuMTDvmpD9u
134Please respect copyright.PENANAKTMzUf5J6J
「我真的不抽菸。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAt4eu5kGuMh
134Please respect copyright.PENANANRNWv2m1aI
「我知道。」學長笑著牽起我的左手,他把菸嵌在自己第三和第四根手指之間,也對我做了同樣的事。134Please respect copyright.PENANALqExHpxYa6
134Please respect copyright.PENANAZK371v9Alg
「學長,等一……那個……」134Please respect copyright.PENANAa9q2U4VNfn
134Please respect copyright.PENANALagxDU0Oq2
「我知道,沒事的,放心。」134Please respect copyright.PENANA2I5emzs6e3
134Please respect copyright.PENANAv89T6aUzpz
菸火於夜,煒然,好像星點墮落在我們之間;「如果」,心底深處某個角落偷偷期望著「如果」。恍恍惚惚,我在想,如果那時候我沒有把學長推開,會發生什麼事呢?134Please respect copyright.PENANAWvIQORSa9G
134Please respect copyright.PENANAXjkelaUzDH
我們輕輕把自己的手放在對方的手上。學長、學長、學長,這一次,我沒有逃走、沒有把你退開,只是慾望已非點燃,而是漸漸化作灰燼,是片片塵埃飄在夜的天空中悠揚。134Please respect copyright.PENANAye4aUbD72m
134Please respect copyright.PENANA7uHydrAD5v
「他是個怎麼樣的人?」學長問。134Please respect copyright.PENANAzB7ABG8gOE
134Please respect copyright.PENANAYo6ERsyXbv
「小小隻的、很有活力、一開口說話就會停不下來,怎麼說呢?他給人一種······什麼事情都辦得到、都是有可能的感覺,不會輸給任何事情的感覺,不過有時候也會鬧彆扭就是了。」134Please respect copyright.PENANA6GmLrFDfJ4
134Please respect copyright.PENANAUO2uHVrX0s
「『不會輸給任何事情』這種感覺······真好!學生?還是在上班了?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAX9Sj7mWZ9k
134Please respect copyright.PENANAUIqHze0pbH
「還是學生,大學,說起來,學長你也還是學生耶!」134Please respect copyright.PENANAIvq5SijbII
134Please respect copyright.PENANA2c0gmWAehw
「快畢業了啦!」學長邊說邊皺起眉,同時緊抓我的手作為報復。「『不會輸給任何事情』,聽起來真的是非常熱血。我好羨慕他,真的。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAwKsJYeRM5D
134Please respect copyright.PENANAvU8mxYThnP
「嗯,我也是。是他讓我意識到,不應該把『夢想』當成是『夢想』,應該它當作『現實』。不過說真的,夢想什麼的,真的去做了本來就變成了現實。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAAsiXdSLfeO
134Please respect copyright.PENANAGMjzZCzsXu
「我反而覺得,還在『夢』的階段是最美的,不管什麼東西,只要跟『現實』沾上邊,好像就······怎麼說呢?變得比較痛苦?好像也不一定,應該說變得比較······沒那麼深刻?或許可以說,已經實現的夢,就會讓人忘記它是夢了?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAQQgXKVjDhe
134Please respect copyright.PENANAUJml8yUmTF
「你這是·····直接竄改了『夢想』的定義了吧?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAOCPIooEesU
134Please respect copyright.PENANACznRts7ZPB
好懷念,我們以前也常常這樣,不知不覺中討論起好像有點厲害的議題什麼的,然後誰也沒說服誰,也沒有討論出一個整合的結論,根本就沒又進入同一個脈絡裡。134Please respect copyright.PENANAKrQEUjo5sE
134Please respect copyright.PENANAcYPrv9jNAi
菸燒了一半,很快又超過了一半的一半,到了接近濾嘴的地方,味道就變得有點臭了。134Please respect copyright.PENANAKa6LyDOwpB
134Please respect copyright.PENANA4Yjwqahn2T
「那學長的女朋······未婚妻是什麼樣的人?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAC0oHGQ8cmF
134Please respect copyright.PENANALdvrdg3GKP
「你要看照片嗎?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAmSj85FKplb
134Please respect copyright.PENANAMMSIK68Dhq
「嗯。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAYrnju3JsH7
134Please respect copyright.PENANAkEBEwhj9Lf
我們把菸熄了, 那時候沒有意識到,但現在回想起來,那時候的我們似乎沒有留戀餘菸,只是完整地達成了制式化的既有規則:把煙蒂丟進煙灰缸裡。134Please respect copyright.PENANAMB4oXqdPob
134Please respect copyright.PENANA1cq9Vl5z5m
學長把手機遞給我。134Please respect copyright.PENANAqSiOcfu0w5
134Please respect copyright.PENANAScTyFEEpNj
「那是我們之前和朋友去海邊的時候拍的。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAa9aMj6AXf4
134Please respect copyright.PENANAQSzbfyihwd
是個……就……女生。笑起來呆呆的女孩子。134Please respect copyright.PENANArBQMxXquKz
134Please respect copyright.PENANAJyzA0MCuQo
學長說了一些他未婚妻的事,包括會生起床氣、包包很亂、還有她包容學長各種亂七八糟的臭個性等種種。134Please respect copyright.PENANA82XSzdZnrj
134Please respect copyright.PENANAZDQRPzFvip
「我和她……說過你,她也知道我今天要來找你。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAd1cwM677uj
134Please respect copyright.PENANA8VY9KG52s1
「嗯。」我把手機遞還給他。134Please respect copyright.PENANAaNxIPSplE3
134Please respect copyright.PENANAUGNpCNgctx
「那時候······為什麼······你為什麼把我······把我推開?」學長接回手機,看著手機裡的照片緩緩道,像是挖掘躺在塵土裡百年的古物,慢慢、小心翼翼。134Please respect copyright.PENANAWzginfrPzn
134Please respect copyright.PENANApzvL0VuMNZ
這個問題我想過不下百次,但卻沒有任何一次下定結論,我沒有辦法馬上回答。卸下肩膀的重量,我嘆了口氣靠在椅背上,仰頭望向根本沒有星星的夜空,看見的只是黏上眼鏡的小灰塵。134Please respect copyright.PENANAYcTqigFnmc
134Please respect copyright.PENANAiPknzfK07m
「可能只是不想把鼻涕沾到你身上?」我說。134Please respect copyright.PENANAVt91KBFf74
134Please respect copyright.PENANAEAoSzUhluK
「這個答案我喜歡。」學長笑了。134Please respect copyright.PENANAfOR2ETnoRe
134Please respect copyright.PENANAA2fx1lLKhm
我們離開居酒屋,到了停車的地方,我把安全帽遞給他,問他住哪一家飯店,但他沒有接過安全帽,只是笑了笑並搖了搖頭。134Please respect copyright.PENANAfi2hakNrcz
134Please respect copyright.PENANAF1dJbgANbn
「這是他的?對吧?」學長問的是安全帽。134Please respect copyright.PENANAEGlbvsIXfw
134Please respect copyright.PENANAcgb3sFoebI
我點了點頭,沒有回話。134Please respect copyright.PENANAh9iYV2xAjb
134Please respect copyright.PENANAXYBQtmLOgH
「之前是我······丟下你一個人騎車跑了,總覺得·····你也應該對我做一樣的事才算公平。」學長說。134Please respect copyright.PENANAu6h831DwRS
134Please respect copyright.PENANAhqtxjJeMPY
總覺得、總覺得,學長的眼眶似乎紅紅的;總覺得,再這麼下去我一定會忍不住問他,問他為什麼那時候要在半夜偷偷擠到我的床上?為什麼要問我要不要一起住?為什麼偷用我的沐浴乳?偷用我的洗髮精?134Please respect copyright.PENANAS3FhmF9Ogo
134Please respect copyright.PENANALcBLr0yehC
我把梳舟的安全帽收好,也替自己戴上安全帽,看著學長,等引擎也動好時,才開口:「恭喜你結婚了,再見。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAcrtRyGn3M6
134Please respect copyright.PENANAHikqMzfrLl
學長舉起手,示意再見,我也點頭回應他。134Please respect copyright.PENANAMED55HchvI
134Please respect copyright.PENANAiLtJ7FCKmo
離開時,我努力克制著自己不去偷看後照鏡、不去想學長在身後是什麼樣的表情。134Please respect copyright.PENANAKn8SzNyOZL
134Please respect copyright.PENANAewm5LaLrgN
我騎到了梳舟住的大樓下,把車停在對面,熄火。一樓、二樓、三樓······,只知道他在哪一層,卻不清楚確切來說他到底是哪一間。可以·····打電話煩他嗎?我握著手機,在他家樓下自己一個人坐了好久好久、好久好久。134Please respect copyright.PENANAIZzgzvT9L6
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筆下的你【BL】
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筆下的你【BL】
Author:
叉子
ISSUE #18
18 愛是慾望和罪惡的假設
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