There was a long moment of silence. Anthony didn't know whether to be surprised, confused, or both. Jim's comment was just so strange and out of nowhere. Anthony was completely lost for words.
Eventually, Anthony asked: "Umm...what?"
Jim sighed.
"You heard me," He said.
Another moment of silence. Anthony wasn't at all sure what to ask first.
"So...let me get this straight," Anthony soon said. "You've kept this whole entire thing a secret from your family...because everyone would get really excited about it?"
"Well, that's part of the reason," Jim said. "You missed the other part. The much larger part."
"What other part? About getting really happy?"
"Not just getting happy. But acting like this is one of the greatest and happiest things to happen to me in a really long time."
"Well, is it not?"
Jim sighed again.
"Of course it is, Anthony," He said. "Getting to see my daughter for the first time in several years is beyond one of the happiest things to happen to me. I can't be any more grateful that she's back in my life and wants to remain in my life as much as possible. And I know everyone else will feel pretty much the same way. But here's the thing, this shouldn't be one of the greatest things to happen to me in a long time. It's amazing that Cassie is back in my life, but...but she never should have been out of my life to begin with."
"Oh," Anthony said, looking down. "I kind of see what you mean."
"Like I said, Anthony," Jim continued. "Walking Cassie down the aisle was such an amazing and beautiful moment for both of us that I can't even describe it in the most accurate way possible. It is definitely one of my favorite memories. But, here's the thing. Though I tried to deny it at first, I soon realized that one of the biggest reasons that I was so happy to walk Cassie down the aisle was...was that I was going to get to do it after several years of thinking that I was not. I should've been feeling happy because I was seeing my grown daughter getting married. I should've been reflecting on all the memories of her childhood. All the memories of my little girl growing up. I should of been having a hard time believing that she was now a grown woman at her wedding. I should've gotten completely choked up thinking about all this. Basically, the "where did the time go?" moment. But...there was very little of those thoughts. Because I was hardly there during Cassie's childhood.
"I didn't realize until just recently, but I really hate the musical 'Mamma Mia!' Not just that movie, the entire musical in general. I can't stand it. I actually kind of wish it didn't exist. And I haven't even seen it. The premise alone just angers me. In that musical, a woman wants her father to walk her down the aisle at her wedding even though she doesn't know who he is and has never met him before. That right there is three giant strikes against the entire thing. Supposedly, the musical is about the woman trying to find out who her father is, but I really don't give a crap. I haven't seen it and never plan on seeing it. I'm not watching some poorly written piece of crap that completely tarnishes the beauty of this tradition.
"You see, what makes a father walking his daughter down the aisle special is the actual relationship between the two. It's that moment where the father can reflect on all the memories of seeing his little girl growing up. Remembering all the big changes and accomplishments in her life. And now witnessing the greatest change in her life. It's pretty much the final step in being the most important man in her life. Before she moves onto her husband, who will take that place. And it's supposed to be an incredibly emotional moment for the father. Because he's seeing his little girl walk down the aisle. A reminder that his little girl is now grown up. That she is now a married woman. This goes back to the "where did the time go?" moment. As for the daughter, she should look at her father and feel eternally grateful for all that he had done in her life. It should be emotional for her as well. Overall, that moment is supposed to show the love between the father and his daughter. That's what makes the tradition special and beautiful.
"How the hell can you have any of that if your daughter is a complete stranger to you? How on earth can you look back on her life if you were never even freaking there? How can you show true love to your daughter if you just barely freaking met her?! That...ergh!! That piece of crap musical spreads the message that a father walking his daughter down the aisle is some random tradition and nothing else. It seems to think that you should follow the tradition just because it's a tradition. Ugh!! Screw Mamma Mia. Screw it to hell.
"And another thing that really ticks me off. That musical, along with so many other poorly written movies and TV shows, spreads the message that what makes a father a father is donating freaking sperm. HELL FREAKING NO!! What makes a father a father is being their freaking father! Raising them, being there all throughout their life, being part of all the accomplishments in their life, leaving an impact, being their guide, their role model, LOVING THEM!! Errggghhh!!"
Jim sighed and took a deep breath before he continued.
"Sorry about that. Anyway, just impregnating a woman is not what makes you a father. Loving and raising your child is what makes you a father. If you weren't part of your child's life, you're not their father. It's that simple. So, if you just barely met your daughter the day before, you are in no freaking position to walk her down the aisle! Whoever wrote 'Mamma Mia!' needs to get a freaking clue.
"Now back to Cassie's wedding. Like I said, the main reason I was full of so much emotion was because it felt too good to be true that I was there at all. I was just happy that I was at least able to be part of one of the greatest moments in my daughter's life. But...like I said...all the thoughts that...that I should have been having weren't really there."
Jim began to wipe his eyes again.
"Even though Cassie had been back in my life for two years," He continued. "It didn't change the fact that I had still missed out on most of her life. Even though I had gotten to know her pretty well by then, it didn't change the fact...it didn't change the fact that I had to get to know her in the first place. What memories did I have with Cassie? Other than those two years? I raised her for the first three years of her life and I got to visit her once when she was six. That's it. Sure, I got to cradle her when she was first born. Sure, I got to enjoy her infant and toddler years. But...but that's just not enough."
Jim crumpled the now empty box of tissues into a ball. Tears began to drip down his face again.
"Her first day of preschool," He continued with a very heavy voice. "Her first day of kindergarten, her first day of middle school, her first day of high school, her high school graduation, her learning to ride a bike, her learning how to swim, all her ballet performances, every other extracurricular activity she was part of, the preteen years, the teenage years, puberty, boyfriends, prom, teen drama, I was not part of any of it! I never got to meet any of her teachers to see how she's doing in school! I never even got to see any of her schools! I never got to see with my own eyes what she was learning! I never got to meet her friends' parents! I never got to meet her ballet instructor! I never got to see her mature! I never...I never... I just...I...I don't even know. How...how...can I feel like a father to Cassie if there was so much that I missed out on? How can I reflect on her life if there's hardly anything to reflect on?
"Anthony...I think you know very well that becoming a father was always something very important to me. Even before my girls were born, it was something I always dreamed about. The days that Cassie and Meagan were born were two of the greatest days of my life. I still remember all the thoughts that went through my head when I first cradled Cassie in my arms. How excited I was about our future together..."
Jim blew his nose into his bathrobe sleeve.
"When I dreamed of becoming a father, I dreamed of actually being a father to my child. Raising my child and being an important part of their life. Not spending only a few years with them and then meeting up with them as an adult, where they're on their own and no longer need a parent to take care of them. Other than the first few years of her life, I didn't raise Cassie. She may be back in my life now, but she didn't grow up with me. I am hardly a father to her. Therefore, my dream was hardly fulfilled.
"So that's why I kept everything a secret. Because if I told anybody anything, everybody would get really excited and act like everything is back to normal. But it isn't. The damage was done and it will always be there. It's not something that can ever be fixed. Cassie may be back in my life, but a large chunk of my heart is still broken.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that Cassie and I have a relationship now. But there's a big difference between having a great relationship with somebody and feeling like a parent to them. My relationship with Cassie is probably as good as it can possibly get now. But it will never be as good as it could have been. And should have been."
There was a long silence. Anthony just stared at the floor and thought about everything Jim had said. Only about ten minutes earlier, Anthony thought it was absolutely ridiculous that Jim would keep such a big secret from his family. Even then, Anthony wasn't sure if keeping everything a secret was the best thing Jim could have done, but it now made perfect sense why Jim did. Anthony didn't even think it was possible for Jim to tell anybody in the family about Cassie without them getting excited.
After about five minutes of silence, Anthony finally asked. "And how long were you planning on keeping the secret?"
Jim sighed.
"I have no idea," He said. "I knew I was going to have tell everybody eventually, but I had no idea how to. I knew that the only way I could get across to everybody how I truly was feeling was by having a long conversation similar to this with everyone. I guess one by one. Honestly, I'd rather have one person feel excited for me than a whole bunch of people calling me up one after another and telling me congratulations. What was I going to do, give a long explanation each time they called?"
"That'd be a lot of conversations though."
"I know. But I really don't care."
Another long silence. Jim picked up one of the donuts off the table and began to nibble on it.
"What about Meagan?" Anthony soon asked. "You've hardly even mentioned her."
Jim sighed again and took a very deep breath.
"She still wants nothing to do with me," He said, wiping his eyes. "At least according to Cassie. Apparently, she actually believes that everything Julia told her was true. Like, she legitimately believes all the lies. I don't know if it's because she has fewer memories of me than Cassie or if she's easier to convince or what. She legitimately hates me and thinks Cassie is crazy to want to have a relationship with me again. Apparently, Cassie and Meagan's relationship has strained quite a bit just because Cassie has been seeing me again. Meagan didn't even want to come to Cassie's wedding just because she knew I was going to be there. It's...it's...I don't even know."
Jim wiped his eyes off on his bathrobe sleeve.
"But as much as I hate to admit it," Jim continued, putting the nibbled donut back on the plate. "Even if Meagan wanted to have a relationship with me again, things would hardly be different. Would I be happy if Meagan wanted to a have a relationship with me again? Of course I would. But, my feelings about it would pretty much be the same as my relationship with Cassie. If anything, it would actually be worse since I have fewer memories of Meagan than Cassie. She was only one when Julia took her away..."
Jim began to sniffle quite a bit before blowing his nose into his sleeve.
"What gets me the most about all this is that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. It's not like I can build a time machine and go back and change everything. Like I said, the damage is done. The scars will never fully heal. There's literally nothing that can be done to fully fix my relationship with either of my daughters."
Jim put his head in his hands. Anthony walked over to him and patted his back.
After about five more minutes of silence, Jim said: "I wish that there was some way that I could have a second chance. Just some sort of second chance."
Anthony sighed.
He wanted to say something to comfort Jim, but he couldn't think of anything. Jim was right. There wasn't anything he could do. Nobody could change the past. Jim could spend as much time with Cassie as possible, but it would never make up for all the time that Jim lost. He would never get Cassie or Meagan's childhood back. It was gone forever.
Anthony had no idea how to respond to Jim at this point. No matter how hard he thought, he could not come up with the most appropriate response. How would anybody respond to somebody so permanently hurt?
After another minute of silence, the question: "Well...what...what are you going to do now?" slipped out of Anthony's mouth. For a very brief moment, Anthony felt extremely worried that he had said the wrong thing. His mind scrambled to come up with a much better response to change the subject, but then Jim responded.
"I don't know. I really, really don't know. I guess the only thing I can do right now is...is just keep living my life. There's nothing I can do about anything, so why bother? I still have at least another thirty years on me, so the most I can do is live them as best as I possibly can."
Jim wiped both sides of his face on his sleeves.
"Cassie and Chris plan on having children in the future. At least...at least...at least I get to watch my grandchildren grow up. I can be an important part of their lives. I can be part of their childhood...Cassie...Cassie told me I can see my grandchildren as much as I want...that...I...I'm happy about that..."
Jim leaned over and put his head in his hands for a very long while. Anthony began to wipe his own eyes. He wasn't even sure what to think at that moment.
After about ten minutes of silence had passed, Anthony said: "Jim, I'm...I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that things have to be this way. I wish there was something that I can do...I really do..."
There was another long silence. Eventually, Jim said: "I should be feeling fine in a little while. You don't have to worry about me. Please don't worry about me."
Anthony did not respond to that.
A much longer silence passed. As much as it upset him to admit it, Anthony wasn't sure if there was any point in going on with the conversation. There was absolutely nothing that could be said to change anything that had happened or make Jim feel better about it. Anthony legitimately had nothing to say to Jim at that point.
Despite Jim's assurance that he would "feel fine in a little while," Anthony already knew that Jim would still be feeling sad throughout the rest of the day. And every day that followed. While Jim would probably eventually calm down enough to at least seem happy later on, Anthony knew that Jim would still be hiding feelings of sadness deep down. Just like he had been doing for the past several years
"Cassie will be here on Saturday," Jim said, wiping his eyes. "You and Ellen can both come over if you want. I bet Cassie would be happy to finally see you. I've already told her quite a bit about Ellen. I think they would get along pretty well."
Anthony wanted to say something to completely change the subject, but he couldn't. Not right then. There was so much on his mind that he doubted he could have a normal conversation anytime soon. Jim also didn't seem like he was in the mood for an entirely different conversation either.
As much as Anthony didn't want to leave Jim alone at that moment, he knew that Jim wouldn't feel any better whether he stayed longer or not. If anything, staying at Jim's house at that moment was only making Anthony feel even worse. Without thinking any further, Anthony stood up.
"Jim, I'm going to go ahead and take off," He said. "I...promise to be here on Saturday. I...I really would like to see Cassie again."
Jim smiled very slowly and weakly. "Yeah," He said. "That would be great. I'll see you later, bro."
Jim stood up and gave Anthony a large hug. He then sat back down and stared at the floor. The weak smile on his face instantly faded.
It took Anthony at least a minute to start walking away. Before doing so, he grabbed a few of the wadded tissues off the ground. They were pretty damp, but still usable.
"Are you sure you don't want a donut?" Jim asked right before Anthony exited the room. "They're pretty good."
"No thanks," Anthony said, wiping his face with one of the wadded tissues. "I'm honestly not feeling all that hungry right now."
"Okay," Jim said. "See ya.'"
Jim then resumed to staring at the floor. Even from a distance, it was impossible not to notice the tears streaking down his face.
It took at least a few minutes to leave Jim's house. It took another several minutes for him to start up his car.
Tears began to stream down Anthony's face as he pulled out of the driveway. He doubted that the upset feeling in his stomach would leave anytime soon.
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