Being unable to see the girls for three straight years had turned Jim into an absolute wreck. He had been filled with so much pain and anguish that there was almost never a moment where he could even feel calm. That amount of pain and anguish didn't even come close to the amount that Jim felt in the days following the court trial.736Please respect copyright.PENANAUoZnMmtvOm
Jim spent almost the entirety of his days crying in the girls' room. He would cry so hard that he sometimes had a hard time breathing. He didn't even bother keeping track of tissues boxes or paper towels at this point. Keeping his face dry wouldn't make himself feel any better.
As he cried, Jim would stare at all of the photos he had taken (which were starting to become damaged from his tears), cradle all of the girls' stuffed animals while thinking back to how excited the girls had been to see them, and imagine the girls growing up without him. All of the girls' future milestones would constantly flood his mind. Their upcoming birthdays, every new year of school, entering their teenage years, their high school graduation...
I'm never going to part of any of it, Jim thought as he clutched Cassie's stuffed rabbit and Meagan's stuffed panda. I'm not going to get to see my own daughters grow up. The world just refuses to let me.
All of the food that Jim had bought for the girls' visit remained in his pantry. Jim never even touched any of it. Not only because he was always so upset that he never had an appetite for it, but because it wasn't his. He had bought that food for Cassie and Meagan. He had gone out of his way to get a ton of sweets and delicious meals for the girls to ensure that they would stay happy during their visit. Jim couldn't just start eating all of it now. He just couldn't.
Jim only ate whenever he became so hungry that he felt like he was going to pass out (although he was usually so upset that it was hard for him to eve notice that he was hungry). He would only eat very cheap cans of soup from the nearby corner store (with money provided by Anthony). Even then, Jim was unable to taste any of his food. His mind was never focused on anything other than Cassie and Meagan.
Anthony once again remained in Concord and now went to Jim's apartment every single day. Anthony knew there was nothing he could say that would help Jim feel better, but he knew that he had to at least stay with Jim and keep him company. He couldn't just leave Jim alone while he felt this way. While at Jim's apartment, Anthony mainly just sat down on the girls' bedroom floor and stared at Jim as he cried on the girls' bed. The only time that Jim would even look Anthony in the eyes was to ask him if he could borrow money to go buy soup. Even then, Jim hardly spoke a word.
Anthony would always start crying whenever he visited Jim. It would have been beyond difficult for him to watch anybody go through so much pain and heartbreak, let alone his little brother that he cared about deeply. He still refused to believe that Jim had deserved any of this. All his life, Jim had been nothing but kind to others. Even when he and Anthony had arguments as children, Jim would try his hardest to stay as kind as possible. Even when people bullied him, Jim wouldn't even say an insult towards them. He was the nicest and most loving person that Anthony had ever known. Yet the world felt the need to punish him in such a severe way. It just made no sense whatsoever.
Why couldn't it have been me? Anthony thought as he tearfully watched Jim sob. Why Jim? Why not me instead?
Jim was so depressed about the girls that he was hardly able to focus on anything, including looking for a job. Jim was not only too upset to go looking for a job, but he didn't even feel that he had any real reason to look for a job at this point. His original intention of trying to find a job was so that he would be able to pay bills for the apartment that he had specifically bought in order to live close to Cassie and Meagan. In addition, he had needed money in order to pay for everything he needed for Cassie and Meagan's visit. Now that he was no longer allowed to see Cassie and Meagan, he felt living in the apartment now was just completely pointless.
Sure enough, Jim was unable to pay his first bill for rent. Not wanting Jim to be foreclosed, Anthony used the last of his money and paid the bill. Anthony didn't have the heart to tell Jim anything on the lines of "I can't be doing this for you every month, you need to find a job." At this point, Anthony was actually considering finding a job (or possibly two) in Concord and living there permanently. He would pay for Jim's bills each month and also pay for whatever necessities that Jim needed. After all, Anthony had already lost his job in Texas due to all the constant traveling and he didn't have any real reason to stay down there.
However, Jim didn't even consider this idea. He didn't want his older brother going through so much trouble to help him pay for an apartment that he didn't even feel there was any point in keeping anymore. Jim soon decided to just pull the plug on his life as a New Hampshire resident.
In the next couple of days, Anthony managed to rent a U-Haul for the second time (it was a good thing that he and Jim had plenty of wealthy relatives or else their constant asking for money would put their family members in serious financial trouble), he told the apartment staff that Jim would be moving out (as Jim was much too sad to tell the staff himself), Anthony and his friends packed up all of Jim's belongings (thankfully, Anthony's friends were willing to go through the trouble of traveling to New Hampshire twice in the span of a few weeks), and then he and Jim traveled back to Texas. As Jim and Anthony took off from the Concord airport, Jim tearfully looked through the airplane window.
Goodbye, my sweet angels, He thought, rubbing his face with a blanket that Anthony had specifically bought for him to wipe his tears on. Daddy loves you so much. You will always be in Daddy's heart.
With no other place to go, Jim had no choice but to move back in with his parents. All of the girl's belongings were moved into a storage room (which was originally Anthony's bedroom) while Jim moved his few belongings into his old bedroom (which was now a guest bedroom). The belongings consisted mainly of clothing and toiletries, as he had already sold the majority of everything else he owned. The only other things he had left were his television, couch, and video player, all of which he no longer wanted. He told Anthony to take all of these things, as he knew he would be much too upset to make any time to sell them.
Anthony was reluctant to accept the offer, but he did so without even objecting. By this point, Anthony had decided to just do whatever Jim wanted. It was best not to make Jim feel even more stressed than he already was.
Very little had changed by the time Jim was settled in his parent's home. He was now living in a different place, but he still spent the majority of his time crying in his room. On occasion, he (while still crying) would walk into the storage room where all of the girl's belongings were kept and just stare at everything. All of his happy memories of the girls would flood his mind. Of course, happy memories of the girls only caused Jim to feel even worse. These were very likely going to be the only happy memories of them that he would ever have.
"Daddy loves you, Daddy loves you," Jim moaned as he hugged the two beautiful dresses that he had bought for the girls during their visit. "Daddy loves you, Daddy loves you..."
Jim's parents had both still not retired from their jobs as lawyers and were still not at the house for most of the time. They knew very well that Jim was an absolute wreck, yet they hardly did anything to help him. Not only were they always too tired to go and talk to him, but they didn't feel they even had any reason to talk to him. In their eyes, he should've been able to handle his problems on his own just because he was an adult.
"Jim is a grown man," Mr. Burleson said to Anthony at one point (while lying down on the couch). "He needs to learn to just move on. Believe me, it upsets me just as much as him that he's dealing with all of this. However, I'm not going to let my emotions get to me because of it. I faced plenty of challenges in life and not once did I ever let my emotions get to me. Honestly, I don't think I would have ever become successful in life if I did let my emotions get to me. There is no reason that Jim should be acting this way. I actually find it quite absurd that this is the way my thirty-year-old son is behaving. But what can I do? Jim can't get anywhere in life if he's always has someone holding his hand through all of his conflicts. I was able to handle all of my problems on my own and I expect him to do the same."736Please respect copyright.PENANAB1dr7sPCho
Mrs. Burleson (also lying on the couch) nodded the entire time that Mr. Burleson spoke.
"I honestly don't approve of Jim staying here," Mr. Burleson continued. "But I'm letting him do so anyway since I still love him. Hopefully, he'll one day realize that the way he's acting is completely ridiculous and he'll finally move on with his life. He'll hopefully go back to school, get his career, and get a home of his own again. Maybe he'll even find another woman who will treat him better than the last one. All we can do is wait and see."
Mr. Burleson ended his long speech (the longest Anthony had ever heard him talk) with a much longer yawn.
Anthony was sure that his father wasn't really that heartless (or, at least Anthony hoped he wasn't). It was likely that Mr. Burleson was just too tired from work to give his actual thoughts about Jim's situation. He was probably just saying nonsense off the top of his head. However, it was still clear that Mr. and Mrs. Burleson hardly knew Jim despite being his parents. At the very least, Anthony was glad that Jim had grown to be the exact opposite of them.
Anthony continued to pay Jim visits each day. Because Anthony no longer had a job, he was able to spend at least several hours a day with him. Even then, Anthony's visits with Jim were hardly different than they were back in Concord. Anthony would mainly sit on the floor and watch Jim cry, occasionally following him to the storage room to watch him stare at all of the girl's belongings. "Why couldn't it have been me? Why couldn't it have been me?" almost always would run through Anthony's mind.
It took at least two months before Jim had enough confidence and strength to set up a court date. He still doubted that anything would ever go well for him in a family court again. But there was still that five percent chance...
A few months ago, I was happily reunited with Cassie and Meagan and looking forward to more visits, Jim thought as he tearfully hung up the phone with the court from Baytown. Now I'm back in this freaking position. I'm right back in this cycle of court dates that are not going to change a freaking thing. And it's more than likely just going to stay that way now...
Jim put his head in his folded arms and cried nonstop for at least three hours.
The trial in Baytown took place about four months later. Just like Jim expected, it was a complete failure. The trial after that was also a failure. The trial after that was a failure. The trial after that was a failure. Jim was right back to where was during those three painful years.
Jim wasn't even trying to gain custody of the girls anymore. All he wanted was to be allowed to see them again. But, of course, even that was too much to ask for at this point. The molestation accusations prevented him from having even the smallest amount of respect from every judge he saw. Julia's constant "they're afraid of him" and "he just wants to hurt them again" claims at every trial always just made things much worse.
With every passing month and every failed trial, Jim's depression slowly began to grow worse and worse. At this point, Jim knew that a broken heart was not just an expression. His chest was always full of excruciating pain. As long as Cassie and Meagan never left his mind, that pain would always be there.
Jim's sleeping difficulties had grown much worse than ever before. His depression was so bad that it prevented him from falling asleep for even a few hours. He eventually had to start taking sleeping medication. While the medication had side effects, Jim hardly even noticed them. His depression and pain prevented him from feeling anything.
People out in public could tell that Jim was feeling very sad by his expressions and constant sniffling. On occasion, some would walk up to him and him what was wrong. Although Jim knew talking with others wouldn't change a thing, he would still explain what was going on. He would describe in detail everything that he was going through and how upset it made him on a daily basis. Some people would feel very bad for him and wish him lots of luck. This wouldn't change Jim's mood at all, but he at least would be relieved that there were at least some people who cared about his problems. Sadly, other people wouldn't even try to help him feel better.
"If they don't want to see you, then that's their choice. You need to learn to respect that."
"If they're happy and doing fine without you, you should just let them keep doing so. It wouldn't be fair for you to just intrude on their lives like that."
"If being a father is really that important to you, then get married to a woman and have children with her. Quit trying to fight a battle you will never win."
Jim could not believe that there were such heartless people out there. Wasn't it bad enough that he was going through all of these things? These people just had to pour more salt in his wounds? Couldn't they just have a little bit of a conscious?
Even when I'm down, I will always be the enemy, Jim thought as tears dripped into his bowl of vegetable soup. I'm one of the worst humans on the planet and I will never deserve any happiness.
Whenever Jim saw a little blonde girl that looked like or even reminded him of Cassie or Meagan, he would start crying very hard. It eventually got to the point where Jim no longer even wanted to go out in public (with the exception on his court trials). Anthony began buying Jim cans of soup whenever he needed to eat something and refilling Jim's sleeping medication whenever he needed to do so. Anthony never even showed reluctance to the things he did for Jim at this point. With all the things that Jim was going through, Anthony felt he deserved things to go his way for the rest of his life.
By the time two years had passed since Jim's last visit with the girls, Jim had turned into a recluse. He almost never left his room and he never talked to anybody (the custody trials once again being the only exceptions). He wouldn't even tell Anthony when he was feeling hungry. Anthony eventually began leaving bowls of soup on Jim's nightstand each day just to make sure that he didn't starve to death. Very rarely would Jim even touch the bowls of soup.
The only time Jim would even say anything was when Cassie or Meagan's birthday came up. He would always ask Anthony to buy candles and a cake from the store. Jim and Anthony would then decorate the cake with icing, write "Happy Birthday Cassie" or "Happy Birthday Meagan," and then stick in all of the candles. After lighting the candles, Jim and Anthony would sing "Happy Birthday" and then blow the candles out. Immediately afterwards, Jim would burst into tears and lay back down on his bed. Anthony would then stare at the cake for several minutes, severely hoping that Cassie or Meagan was having a good birthday.
One night, Anthony began going through a box in his parent's storage room which contained several photos of Jim in high school, as well as certificates and awards that Jim had received for all of his outstanding achievements. The box also contained a copy of the Texas Monthly that Jim was featured in. Anthony began to read through the story, remembering all the praise that Jim had been given at the time and how many people predicted that he would live a very successful life. The Texas Monthly also contained a photo of fifteen-year-old Jim smiling while wearing his graduation cap and gown. It was hard to imagine that Jim had once been a very happy person.
How the mighty have fallen, Anthony thought as a tear rolled down his cheek.
By the time three years had passed since Jim had last seen Cassie and Meagan, he had turned into an entirely different person. He was now very bitter and angry towards everyone in his family, including Anthony. Anthony could not even visit Jim anymore as he was no longer even allowed in Jim's room. Jim would angrily tell Anthony to leave if he ever entered the room and sometimes would even throw a shoe at him. Anthony now had to knock just to give Jim his soup and sleeping pills.
Over fifteen years earlier, Anthony had been a very bitter and depressed person and Jim constantly tried to help him. Anthony could hardly believe that the tables had now turned almost completely. He could hardly believe that this was the same person who had saved his life all those years ago.
Even though it had been over fifteen years, Anthony had still not forgotten Jim's long speech that had saved his life. He still remembered it almost word for word. After fifteen years, Anthony was still very thankful and happy that Jim had told him all of those things.
Anthony knew that no long speech would ever help Jim feel better. No matter what Anthony said to Jim, it would not bring Cassie and Meagan back. As long as Cassie and Meagan were gone, Jim would never be happy. Anthony could now hardly believe that he had once thought not having a friend in high school was the worst thing ever.
On one particular day, Jim returned to his parent's home after another failed trial in Montgomery. He was full of so much anger, depression, pain, and hatred that he felt like he was going to pass out. He walked into his room and carried on with his routine of sobbing hard on his bed. Like always, thoughts of Cassie and Meagan began to cloud his head.
Cassie and Meagan were now nine and seven years old. How many special moments in their lives had he missed? How many ballet recitals did he not get to see? Were they even still part of ballet? What other activities did they like now? What were their hobbies? What did they even look now? How were they going to look years from now? How many more special moments was he going to miss? What will their hobbies be years from now? What are their personalities going to be like? Will they be happy or grow sad and resentful because of Julia's lack of attention? What will they want to do after high school? What will they be like as adults? What will they...
Jim stood up off of his bed and wiped off his face.
I can't take this anymore, He thought, sniffling. I can't take this freaking crap anymore. There has to be something I can do. There has to be something.
Jim began to pace around the room, thinking quite hard. Hundreds of thoughts began to rush though his head at once. He was trying his absolute hardest to piece together a reasonable plan to get the girls back.
Just keep thinking, Jim thought as he began to pace around the room much faster. You'll come up with something. Just keep thinking. Think. Think. Think!
Jim's head became filled with so many thoughts that he found it hard to process it all. He kept on trying to peace together a reasonable plan. But he just couldn't come up with anything.
Jim started to get to get a headache. His levels of stress were rising through the roof. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't come up with a plan.
Think. THINK. THINK!!
Jim angrily shoved over his nightstand. His bowl of soup fell to the ground and shattered. Thoughts kept on racing through his mind. His headache became worse and worse.
Finally, one particular thought entered his mind. At once, all of the other thoughts vanished. Jim wiped off his face again and took a deep breath.
There was only one thing he could do. There was only one way that he could form some sort of relationship with the girls again.
It was something that he never imagined he would do. It was something that could lead him to serious repercussions. It was something very hard to get away with. It was something that Anthony would greatly disapprove of.
He didn't care. He didn't care about the law. He didn't about the repercussions. He didn't care about what Anthony thought. He didn't even care about what was morally right or wrong. All he cared about was Cassie and Meagan.
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