No Plagiarism!jYgD6M0B5hQEhVGoAHKYposted on PENANA 兩年半前8964 copyright protection185PENANAiDeRWGLRmc 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAtR1bWWuUCF
8964 copyright protection185PENANArihhSagAZH 維尼
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓8964 copyright protection185PENANAT7PjWmHeqz 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAQ106Ut7ck0
8964 copyright protection185PENANAMHwoXzl5dI 維尼
「林寒玉,你──你怎麼還活著!」謝雪痕死死地盯著他,忽然咧起半邊嘴冷笑。「呵,活過來又如何,那我就再次打斷你的靈筋,讓你生不如死。」8964 copyright protection185PENANArPyxf12rgi 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAvqwL2XaFEr
8964 copyright protection185PENANAWHP2rKKee4 維尼
回應他的是玉川劍與玄鐵鍊錚然相擊。8964 copyright protection185PENANAcWblik9bso 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAYoVwrENWlt
8964 copyright protection185PENANAK1WTy8erh1 維尼
纏鬥了一會,他見他護甲裡面裹著層層繃帶,每甩一次玄鐵鍊時都滲出污血,卻無知無覺,猜想定必喝過大量瓊漿抑制痛感,不禁皺眉:好端端的一個人,怎會被雲宮弄成這樣……謝雪痕作惡再多,仍是師兄的小兒子……師兄臨死前將遺孤托付於他……他得想個辦法制住人再慢慢教訓……8964 copyright protection185PENANAolGapLhnqQ 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANALohR6eqXL9
8964 copyright protection185PENANAHMWolcRbs2 維尼
他見對方劍勢稍緩,整個人撞過去,要將他玄甲和玄鐵鍊上塗的腐血和蝕心蠱傳過去。8964 copyright protection185PENANAxa87mdmZGz 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAn5ToZ5Zcbh
8964 copyright protection185PENANAbANp97UYum 維尼
謝鳴淵大叫一聲「師尊躲開」。8964 copyright protection185PENANAywsyKxCE0V 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANADNvjnHk4aC
8964 copyright protection185PENANA0fRnfQNoj7 維尼
林寒玉的神色一變,瞇起了眼,威壓與玄冰焰同時迸發出來。8964 copyright protection185PENANAhn891UNcR2 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAcoOlOEzjRt
8964 copyright protection185PENANAcGmrnrk4Vp 維尼
他一劍將謝雪痕一邊肩胛刺了個對穿,劍上燃起青白色的火,一路順著劍身燒過去。189Please respect copyright.PENANA4AjCj1r16L
8964 copyright protection185PENANAqj6AhTJFvo 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAUpBduTncL5
8964 copyright protection185PENANABoZoMHTMwu 維尼
玄鐵鍊和玄鐵甲熔化了,毒血煉化了,他整個人裹在玄鐵熔漿和玄冰焰裡,摔落雪地,翻滾慘嚎。8964 copyright protection185PENANAi6zivu2Hu9 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAt12zJw8hgy
=============================8964 copyright protection185PENANAmOIWRtIJ1m 維尼
評語:8964 copyright protection185PENANA9lAnFC9gUk 維尼
1. 像在寫平鋪直敍的概論,雖然滿腦子都是燃得不行的畫面,但寫出來就是乾巴巴的某武器與某武器相擊,「纏鬥一會」輕輕帶過,危機出現有人大叫閃開,然後就直接跳到勝負結果,節奏生硬8964 copyright protection185PENANAZtuNpC57hU 維尼
2. 0特效音效,完全沒有任何畫面感和感官刺激可言8964 copyright protection185PENANA8Svfy21Ubm 維尼
3. 很多的「他」,分不清誰是誰8964 copyright protection185PENANAw9tOHcbWOz 維尼
4. 最致命的一點,主角爆發的原因與力度沒有好好寫出來,應該要好好扣緊人設,這才能令讀者信服8964 copyright protection185PENANAQ2OUoJxgqx 維尼
5. 標點用錯了,問號和感嘆號用不好,還特別喜歡在一大段裡用……來分隔內心想法,明明分段就好了8964 copyright protection185PENANA5TYp7vzgxL 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANA2EVTOWx8yT
8964 copyright protection185PENANA3zf6YmFgpB 維尼
兩年半後重修是這樣的:8964 copyright protection185PENANA61NJ3mE8lT 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAYA8dtFOm2O
8964 copyright protection185PENANAvfLTho2CD2 維尼
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓8964 copyright protection185PENANAtXkk7PCNxZ 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANARLYUSzByr2
8964 copyright protection185PENANAOzjDH1tQwk 維尼
「林寒玉,你──你怎麼還活著?」8964 copyright protection185PENANAfiUXSdfXiY 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANABJ1Niiiqso
8964 copyright protection185PENANAXAMV0sBG7O 維尼
謝雪痕死死地盯著他,獨眼迸出寒芒,忽然咧起半邊嘴冷笑起來,和半邊修羅面具的獰笑表情一模一樣,在鳥背上一甩長長的玄鐵鍊。8964 copyright protection185PENANAy36jK3aXF6 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAQrjOHBGel9
8964 copyright protection185PENANAYq95LIHS2I 維尼
「呵,活過來又如何?那我就再次打斷你的靈筋,讓你生不如死!」8964 copyright protection185PENANAv7Q6CRizvJ 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANA1qoT5PDUVH
8964 copyright protection185PENANAjasrv2G8lZ 維尼
回應他的是如潮水般暴漲的戰意,玉川劍光芒大盛,與玄鐵鍊錚然相擊。8964 copyright protection185PENANA6NWFD1Kf8p 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAJTz9n78ZtV
8964 copyright protection185PENANAdJunSwGrIJ 維尼
「噹!」8964 copyright protection185PENANADnWkohQVxW 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAyVMv9ROdmH
8964 copyright protection185PENANAzVlPs0Z2kq 維尼
讓人牙酸的磨擦聲並沒有響起,因為林寒玉根本不會留機會給謝雪痕用玄鐵鍊纏住劍身──8964 copyright protection185PENANAWxhlYy4NzS 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAmrm3PKtX52
8964 copyright protection185PENANAT00D8P0Ub0 維尼
事實上,那條純玄鐵打造的鎖鍊也無法纏住玉川劍。玉川劍以玄冰焰淬煉而成,煉成之時灌注了玄冰寒玉的烈怒,為誅邪而生,早已不是普通的靈劍,劍身和環繞劍身的劍芒都至為鋒利,與玄鐵鍊正面交擊一回,已經在鍊上割出了一道缺口!8964 copyright protection185PENANAh4GsKJtUUX 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAecJBWLzINn
8964 copyright protection185PENANAxuQeMapAXL 維尼
兩人一擊即分,在空中拉開一段距離。8964 copyright protection185PENANAmnBh7hao3w 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAmxE6Ap527x
8964 copyright protection185PENANAUoslCz2Jvz 維尼
林寒玉既然出手,哪裡還會給他還手的機會?不見他如何動作,只見狂風裹著一個白色身影,二丈距離轉瞬即至,玉川劍一聲雷鳴般的劍嘯,人與劍挾著寒徹肺腑的冷風,再度如閃電般襲至!8964 copyright protection185PENANAZ3mfpRHlvp 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAHw8xn9H9z3
8964 copyright protection185PENANA7fCLu6HtcS 維尼
好快的劍!8964 copyright protection185PENANAXnMFK6JDuM 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAwzrjvfLbRB
8964 copyright protection185PENANApdromW1FfC 維尼
謝雪痕獨眼瞳孔一縮,再度橫鍊格檔,同時一側身,正要反手還擊──8964 copyright protection185PENANAjcc1SeXzRE 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAUNSMbOszBV
8964 copyright protection185PENANAsLEpAIoGZO 維尼
林寒玉如影隨形,玉川劍隨他心意而動,第三劍已經呼嘯而至!8964 copyright protection185PENANACxGUcEZxkY 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAjaCdhqex6l
8964 copyright protection185PENANATybEplxewk 維尼
謝雪痕不得不應,不得不擋,如此一路退一路擋,哪裡擋得住迅捷無倫的心劍?他閃身躲避,身上玄鐵甲仍被劍氣波及,霎時多了數道裂痕。8964 copyright protection185PENANAeijzIk7ICG 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAIGqy4cJewC
8964 copyright protection185PENANAt57iXJyVUo 維尼
纏鬥了一會,林寒玉見他護甲裡面裹著層層繃帶,每甩一次玄鐵鍊,新傷舊傷都滲出更多污血,卻仍恍若無知無覺,猜想定必喝過大量瓊漿抑制痛感,不禁皺了皺眉。8964 copyright protection185PENANALcitOHNPzb 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAsH3REbPRSK
8964 copyright protection185PENANA98LwZPYZDk 維尼
好端端的一個人,怎會被雲宮弄成這樣?8964 copyright protection185PENANAgMNj18S50z 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANA614bEEhkqR
8964 copyright protection185PENANA5Mrs6lcDvz 維尼
謝雪痕作惡再多,仍是師兄的小兒子,師兄臨死前將遺孤托付於他,他就不能隨意開殺戒,得想個辦法制住人再慢慢教訓。8964 copyright protection185PENANAZqOwKLY7RW 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAhMa406sYY6
8964 copyright protection185PENANAWeOhtXF6z7 維尼
謝雪痕見林寒玉劍勢稍緩,抓緊機會整個人直撞過去,要將他玄甲和玄鐵鍊上塗的腐血和蝕心蠱傳過去!8964 copyright protection185PENANAp9hIyu7kks 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAAHK1OYehhJ
8964 copyright protection185PENANAWaNSozOs3X 維尼
「師尊快躲開!」謝鳴淵在不遠處與宋慧一起戰鬥,不時分心看林寒玉幾眼,見謝雪痕欲近身投毒,馬上大喊出聲。8964 copyright protection185PENANAYfFslcagtM 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANApmimdFMV8r
8964 copyright protection185PENANA1LJSBbacBt 維尼
林寒玉之前中了蝕心蠱、又泡在化血池裡,到底有多痛,謝鳴淵與他共情時早體會過了,心知肚明,可不想讓他師尊再經歷一次!8964 copyright protection185PENANAZR3NCywUDy 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANApjLHy7xskt
8964 copyright protection185PENANAus4rhxigSr 維尼
腥風撲鼻,林寒玉的神色一變,危險地瞇起了一雙丹鳳眼,無可匹敵的靈力威壓與玄冰焰同時迸發出來。8964 copyright protection185PENANAjKZIlBKHXW 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANA5D8E1h9IXO
8964 copyright protection185PENANApnOdPgeXJH 維尼
「豎子敢爾!」8964 copyright protection185PENANAyAfZ7OQuvX 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAIm6nqUfDZl
8964 copyright protection185PENANAca3LYSKitp 維尼
誕生於玄冰最深處的玄冰寒玉,經歷千萬年的重壓方成冰中之眼,天然的威壓不可小覷。兩人附近的妖化雪鴞都紛紛發出悲鳴墜落,包括謝雪痕那隻純白無斑的妖鴞,也一改兇惡的神態,恐慌地撲騰著雙翼,卻無論如何都扛不住鋪天蓋地的巨壓,半路已然沒了聲息!8964 copyright protection185PENANA37Tid1iDjW 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAQFx8ZoMpSP
8964 copyright protection185PENANAlTNWY0ueNI 維尼
謝雪痕揮動玄鐵鍊,一蹬,止住跌勢,棄了座騎,要再拚著騰空一擊!8964 copyright protection185PENANAjuJ7qbnoxJ 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANA3m5wQzKBQu
8964 copyright protection185PENANAaADMfNJ9u2 維尼
林寒玉手一招,玉川劍就從空中急掠而下,將謝雪痕一邊肩胛刺了個對穿,劍上燃起青白色的怪火,在低沉的轟鳴聲中一路順著劍身燒過去。8964 copyright protection185PENANAIr72LoSkbm 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANAmjcF2Xo6Uu
8964 copyright protection185PENANAvHuKu7u4yR 維尼
玄鐵鍊和玄鐵甲霎那間熔化,毒血被煉化得乾乾淨淨,謝雪痕臉上的修羅面具也頃刻化灰,整個人裹在玄鐵熔漿和玄冰焰裡,燃燒著墜落在雪地上,不住地翻滾慘嚎。8964 copyright protection185PENANASuiVj30hEC 維尼
====================8964 copyright protection185PENANAgOnMexi6E1 維尼
努力改善了動作戲這個短板,動♂作♂戲也隨之改善了呢(笑)8964 copyright protection185PENANAByQ6DYqRQh 維尼
189Please respect copyright.PENANARVe7KiF2Ow
172.70.126.51
ns 172.70.126.51da2