The life of me? blog - I was Five

I was Five

By: FossyJoci

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I was five.

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I was five when I was told that I was moving,

that I had to leave my friends and the life that I had behind.

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I was five.

Moving states and places,

The Change was hard,

new people and a new start,

I was five.

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I was five,

When I met new friends

and I made amends

Then I was ten

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When I was ten,

My dad knew my best friends,

But he stepped down.

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When I was ten,

He got a new job,

I had to leave my friends once again,

I had to leave them.

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I was ten.

When my friends and I continued to speak

When my hunger started to betray me

When I had to restart my life,

And meet new people on a new street.

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I was ten.

When I still got to keep my home,

I didn’t like it though,

My mother and father fought,

So I slept over at my best friend’s house

I was twelve.

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I was twelve.

It was thanksgiving

Of all days in the year

That is when my parents decided

We were to move.

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I was twelve.

When I had my first fainting spell

I had to leave everyone.

My friends and I didn’t have a falling out

If we had I would have never come out

Of my room where I would wail for comfort

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I was twelve.

When my brain began to think

About how I am going to keep my friends

People change and so do I

but they are the ones that keep me sane.

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I was thirteen

When I was in a new state once again.

New house, new school, new people.

I. Hate. It. Here!

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It has been almost three years.

I know the reason,

The reason I was torn from my friends,

The reason I have to live in this hell.

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I want to go back.

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Back when I had my best friends right by my side.

Back when I saw them daily

To when I spoke to them bravely

TO WHEN I WASN’T SAD.

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I am fifteen years old.

I can sleep but I don’t

I like to stay happy even when I’m not.

I talk to my best friends,

but not as much as I should.

I need to talk to them more,

Before I overthink.

Before I lose them,

And before I lose myself.

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I am fifteen years of age,

I have been forced to move states or schools

Four times.

Four times my parents have said, never again.

You are going to graduate high school here.

Each time these things happened

I got progressively worse.

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They look at me and ask where their happy little daughter is

Not even bothering to notice that she hasn’t been there,

Ever since I had to leave my best friends

One Boy

One Girl

The lights of my life

People who can just so easily take away that light

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Talking to them makes everything better

I feel the slightest bit insecure about something

And they instantly say the smallest things,

Howdy.

And everything melts away

All the insecurities

All the Pain

All the words in my brain.

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I am fifteen.

I read books to escape,

All the people in my brain

And those who surround me.

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The library is my sanctuary,

My safe place.

The one place I feel sane.

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I won’t speak but others will.

The people I surround myself with

It is not good for me,

They are not from my roots

but I am stuck in theirs.

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I didn’t read one book

And for that, I get constant jabs.

Preying on my weaknesses.

And my insecurities.

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I talked to them.

The people I surround myself with,

I made it known that,

I am not ok with what they say,

And what they do.

But no matter how much I try,

“They will never listen to you”

So I have made a decision

Once I can be confident,

I will free myself

From the burden that is my “friends”

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Why did life have to turn out the way it is?

Was it my parents?

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Was it me?

What went wrong?

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In the life of a fifteen-year-old.

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I am now sixteen

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Looking back on this poem

A year in time has passed

And I have begun to relax

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I have lived with the guilt

Knowing what I know

The reason why I was pulled

I miss my best friends it's true

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Living without them is like living without food

My hunger deteriorates

I get lightheaded

My body hot

My ears and eyes shot

Everything blurred

I can’t see a thing

Muffled sounds

As I fall from my feet

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The issue at hand got better once

But it is slowly getting worse again

Sometimes I forget to eat

Other I just see food and can’t think

Of anything other than not eating it

It makes me gag

I would rather scream

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So I go to the theater

Where I can screech

I prefer to belt and sing

To get my frustration out

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But the one thing is

I can’t do that without

Those “friends” showing up too

I don’t want them there

It’s my safe space

For me to survive

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To get away from those

Who make my insecurities thrive

But then there was him

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He got me to eat

Somehow I don’t even know how

To walk and run

And somehow breathe again

I don’t know how

But I have known him for a long time

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But we will not date

For the fear of losing our friendship

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I have been through that before

I cannot do it again

It broke my heart

And it still does to this day

I don’t want it to suffer like that ever again

So we will stay friends

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I am not ok

I never will fully be ok

I will give you that

Because no one is ever fully okay

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I lost the ability to be ok

Long ago

When I lost my best friends

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I haven’t seen them in three years

And that is when it all began

I don’t know how to fix this

Am I mentally ill, probably.

The thought that I have ADHD

Has a high chance

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But for now, I will live

Because I thrive on spite

And I will try to be happy

And to stay positive

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In my sixteen-year-old mind

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