I'm laying down, vegged out on the sofa, watching Miranda on TV. It's New Years Eve. Dad is coming home from work early to spent it with me. We're going to stay up, just the two of us. It's been just the two of us for 3 years. Well, it's been just the two of us, waiting for the third one to come home from a night out drinking, but that's the way it is. I'd give anything for it to be like that this year.
My dad is Guy Self, CEO of Holby City Hospital, you may have heard of him. My sister is Junior Doctor Zosia March. She's currently in a mental health ward at Holby City hospital. Bipolar Disorder.
It doesn't feel right. In fact it feels very wrong. I've begged Dad to let me go and see her tonight, even just for 10 minutes, but he won't let me. I've been begging for 2 days straight and he won't let me, I've only seen her once in that time. I climbed off the sofa and picked up the house phone. I dialled the number in for Holby City Hospital and got put through to Phsyc.
"Hello, this is Mr. Selfs other daughter. I was wondering if I could speak to Zosia March please?" I asked, trying to sound like I knew what I was doing, all I wanted to do was hear my sisters voice.
"I'm sorry, but that's not aloud." The woman on the other end of the phone said. I recognised her voice. She was on reception when I went to see my sister.
"Please. It's New Year's Eve. 5 minutes, that's all I'm asking for. Please." I begged. There was a long pause while she thought.
"You know the rules, sweetie. It's after hours anyway so I couldn't even if I wanted to." She said.
"Please.." I begged, I just neede to hear my sisters voice.
"I just need to hear her." I added.
"Fine. I'm not supposed to be doing this, but as its New Year's Eve, You can have 10 minutes, and not a second longer. I'll have you put through to the phone in her room." The woman said, sighing as she softened up a bit.
"Thank You!" I whispered. I glanced at the clock, I should have at least 20 minutes before Dad came home.
The phone rang twice, and then Zosia picked it up.
"Hello?" She said.
"Zosia!" I said, very excitedly.
"Oh, sweetheart! I've missed you, when are you coming back?" Zosia asked, sounding genuinely glad to hear from me.
"Dad won't bring me tonight, I've begged. He won't." I said, sounding really disheartened. I really missed Zosia.
"I miss you. All I want to do is be with you tonight." I whisper.
"Believe me sweetie, that's what I want more than anything right now, but when Dad says no, it's nearly impossible to change his mind." Zosia says, I know she is right.
"And it's not good for you to see me here anyway darling." Zosia added, again she was right.
"Zosia?" I asked, this was going to sound strange, but I knew she would understand.
"Yes sweetheart?" She replied. She sounded so vulnerable.
"Talk. Say anything. Tell me a story. Just talk, and don't shut up." I said, realising I sounded about as mad as Zosia at this moment in time.
"Okay, let me catch my breath first." Zosia said, I swear I could feel her smiling down the phone. For a good 10 minutes after that she told me about really strange patients that she'd had to diagnose. I could have listened to her all day, but just as she got the the end of the third story, Dad came down the drive.
"Zosia, Dads home. I love you. Goodnight." I said quickly.
"I love you. Goodnight my angel, sleep tight." Zosia said, and I hung up just as Dad opened the front door. It was 6 o'clock.
"Darling, I'm home!" Dad called as he walked into the living room.
"Ah there you are." He smiled.
"Hey Dad." I smiled back.
He had bought fish and chips back with him, so we tucked in and Ate those. He then let me commander the TV and put on my favourite film, The Fault In Our Stars. By the time that was finished, it was 9:30. I decided to try and reason with him one more time, I had nothing to loose.
"Dad..." I trailed off, in my sweetest little girly voice.
"Darling, if this is about going to see your sister, you've had my answer, and I'm not going to change it." Dad said firmly.
"But Dad, just think that Zosia is all alone, on her own, with out us at new year, without her family. And we're together. It doesn't seem fair." I said, I was going to at least be put down with a fight.
"Zosia is in the best place, and you know it's not good for you to go and see her while she's there. When she's better, she'll be home. Then you can have her all to yourself, if I have to go to work. I promise." Dad said, trying to hug me. I brushed him off and went and curled up in my chair.
"Mama would let me..." I muttered under my breath. I don't know why I said it, but it was one of those things you say in the heat of the moment.
I was curled around my batman build a bear. Well, isn't mine, it's Zoisa's. I have a superman one, and she has a batman one. When she was sectioned, it was my job to put together a bag for her, I swapped them over, so I would be able to go to bed with her smell overnight. She wouldn't mind to much, she's done the same thing when I ended up in hospital for 3 weeks a couple of years ago.
The fireworks started. I looked up and scowled at the window. Stupid things. They're beautiful, but I don't like loud noises. I really don't like loud noises. But I'm usually sat in my sisters lap, and she's cuddling me, and everything's fine again. But no, not this year.
Dad went out the room and didn't come back for an hour and half, I had no idea what he was doing and didn't really care at that moment in time.
"Darling, shoes on and in the car please." Dad said. I was completely lost.
"Dad?" I asked, sounded a lot less confused than I was.
"We're going to watch the fire works." Dad smiled.
"It's 11 o'clock at night, it's New Years Eve, and it's freezing cold outside!" I moaned.
"Car." Dad said, he didn't have to say anymore to get me to do what he wanted me to.
We drove, and it was dark. I had no idea where we where doing until dad pulled into Holby City Hospital car park at 11:30.
"I'm not going to let you see your sister, but I'm not going to stop you watching the fireworks." Dad smiled at me.
I sighed and got out of the car. I had pyjama bottoms on, and a dressing gown. To my surprise I wasn't cold at all. There was quite a gathering around the Christmas tree in front of the hospitals main entrance, and a fair few faces I knew well.
"Darling, you're not to leave the front of the hospital, do you hear me? Don't go anywhere, there's plenty of people you know, and Arthur is over there somewhere. I've just got some paperwork I need to sort out, if I'm not back in time, stay with Arthur." Dad instructed, I let him go after stealing £5 from his wallet so I could get a hot chocolate and a muffin after the new year celebrations.
I went and hugged Marie-Claire from AAU, she has always been so awesome, she used to keep an eye on me when I was smaller when dad wouldn't leave me in his office on my own when he had to work. Then I saw Jac. There are a lot of opinions about Jac, and none of them are good. But she is lovely. Granted, she's a fiery ginger, and she had given up her own daughter, but she is lovely to me. I went and hugged her, inside her big fur coat. Nice and warm I was for a couple of minutes. I got chatting to Serena and Sacha, until I spotted who I wanted to see. ARTHUR DIGBY! That guy is a legend. Hands down. He put up with my sister, and not only tried to help her, but got through to her and my dad. I jumped on him, that's normal for me now. I linked arms with him. We where stood at the edge of the crowd, slightly awkwardly hooked on the edge, but it was fine. The tree looked awesome, and everyone looked so happy, but I couldn't be happy, not deep down, not without Zosia.
We counted down, to bring in the New Year.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two
One.
Followed by fireworks, they where beautiful purples, greens, reds & blue. But the noise was deafening, like gunshots, I could feel my heart begin to pound in my chest, anxiety and panic attacks are something I suffer with, you see.
Then I felt a pair of warm, gentle hands cover my eyes and someone get really close behind. A familiar warmth, accompanied by the sweet scent of the bear I had left lying on the chair in the living room.
"Sweetheart..." Zosia whispered, placing her head on my shoulder and kissing my neck. I leant against her, ignoring the world for a second, taking in the close contact with my sister that I had missed. She wrapped her arms around my waist from behind and I pushed my cheek against hers. I felt her smile, we had both missed this. Arthur was next to us, smiling at us. Then my hearing came back and I remembered the firework display going on above our heads, and I began to panic again. Zosia picked up on this straight away.
"I've got you." She whispered to me, taking my hand and pulling me into a hug, my arms where between me and her, my hands curled up on her chest, and my head was rested in her neck. I breathed in her smell, I knew this wouldn't last long, so I wanted to make the most of it and remember every minute of it. She had one arm around my waist and one arm buried in my mane of thick, curly hair. She stood there and held me like this until the fire works ended.
"Thank you." I whispered, looking up at Zosia.
Dad walked up behind me, Zosia was the first to see him.
"Did I do good?" He asked us.
"You did good, Dad." We both said in unison, smiling at him.
The three of us went and sat on a bench for a while, until it was too cold to stay outside. We then took a slow walk back to the ward, I clung onto Zosia's hand all the way, and I think I was more nervous than she was when we got near Phsyc.
"Don't worry, it's a good place." She whispered to me as we walked through the doors.
A nurse was waiting for us when we walked into reception. I didn't want to have to part with Zoisa, but I knew we had to. She ruffled my hair and kissed me on the forehead tentatively.
"I love you." I whispered.
"I love you." Zosia whispered back. Zosia and I parted.
"Night darling." Dad said hugging her.
I got the last hug from my sister as usual.
"Goodnight!" I called as me and dad walked though the door to go home.
"Goodnight!" I heard Zosia call back.
I linked arms with Dad, I was happy now.
"Thank You." I said hugging him when we got to the car.
I must have fallen asleep in the car, and Dad carried me in instead of waking me, because when I woke up this morning, I was tucked up on the sofa in Mama's blanket and Dad was asleep in the chair next to me.
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