「你不是收到三家公司的錄取通知嗎?你決定了沒?」445Please respect copyright.PENANAtneQ5xxwRg
445Please respect copyright.PENANAt6yLjADdj5
「我推卻了。」445Please respect copyright.PENANA0g4eHBnKTE
445Please respect copyright.PENANA4nnftToUdH
「推卻?全是本地大企業!」445Please respect copyright.PENANAtxGw1O6DTY
445Please respect copyright.PENANAunSbf3C1VL
「我不感興趣。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAZGAPLcc2iS
445Please respect copyright.PENANAFTqSAKPdlo
「也是的……你是本屆經濟系唯一一個以一級成績榮譽畢業的人,前途大好,的確不必局限於本地發展,可以考慮到跨國企業工作。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAwNBl8yGjG1
445Please respect copyright.PENANAc1XWJcvUe8
「其實……我想當農夫。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAXTRhw0V9Cf
445Please respect copyright.PENANAV1Ilk9Hs9D
「開玩笑吧?」445Please respect copyright.PENANAtWHD9wyACT
445Please respect copyright.PENANAqIhE52dEBR
「我是認真的——我認為現在的生活很無謂。每天學習大量經濟理論,推算未來市況如何、面對經濟下行情況該要如何處理、要如何操作才可以令經濟穩定……似乎很重要、很偉大,說穿了,不過自欺欺人,利用虛浮數字去充實人生!」445Please respect copyright.PENANAlYMMJUFEBp
445Please respect copyright.PENANAl7IxoiEuIS
「冷靜!你是否學業壓力太大,一時衝動?你試想,農夫沒可能坐在城中甲級寫字樓頂樓享受舒適冷氣,品嚐貴價紅酒,俯瞰整個黃金商業地段,冷眼笑看腳下數以十萬計的打工族營營役役、日曬雨淋……」445Please respect copyright.PENANAH7F9QvjTTA
445Please respect copyright.PENANAPPuzw4SF6t
「噢!我才不要這樣子!」445Please respect copyright.PENANADegjbEar9A
445Please respect copyright.PENANAt5qWTI92Qn
「有何不好?」445Please respect copyright.PENANAHYeUSCQBux
445Please respect copyright.PENANAh927nbFDlc
「並非不好……每個人都有不同的理想生活方式,而我的理想生活方式剛巧對不上你的口味。」445Please respect copyright.PENANADiAQdiyncU
445Please respect copyright.PENANARafAB3bHjj
畢業禮後一個月,阿杰孭著一個大背囊,毅然隻身前往澳洲。我是唯一一個送行的人。445Please respect copyright.PENANAfCFtYxAV3w
445Please respect copyright.PENANA46AZMER0WP
阿杰說父母強烈反對他的決定,拒絕在經濟上給予任何支援。他向我問及家媛心情是否經已平復,我坦言她還是十分生氣,經常嘲說自己不及幾棵蔬菜那麼重要。445Please respect copyright.PENANAxd8cAqHJKs
445Please respect copyright.PENANA8zFsUhbRhl
我問阿杰是否仍然愛著家媛,他不置可否,只道自己已作出選擇。445Please respect copyright.PENANAQ1A4U4NPkf
十年過去。445Please respect copyright.PENANAPLzdVwXTe4
445Please respect copyright.PENANAAZZ7mAeakI
我坐在城中甲級寫字樓埋頭苦幹。舒適冷氣是基本而必然的,沒有判別享受或不享受的念頭。無暇品嚐紅酒,無意俯瞰整個黃金商業地段,無心留意腳下是否有數以十萬計的打工族營營役役、日曬雨淋。445Please respect copyright.PENANA7Ar7zz2NSf
445Please respect copyright.PENANAUgzoeubsku
我一心只求盡快完成工作回家去。445Please respect copyright.PENANAr6OvnfC7NQ
445Please respect copyright.PENANAxl6qcHJfIy
到達家門前,已是凌晨一時。內心忽爾悸動,渴望門後有人正在等我。445Please respect copyright.PENANAhhDNEGaALS
445Please respect copyright.PENANAwB3cejBsnd
門開。門後無人——家媛已然入睡。她身穿絲質吊帶雪白睡裙側睡,酥胸半露,長腿微曲,睡姿誘人。我伸手來回撫摸她的滑嫩大腿,及後乾脆直接伸手至私處愛撫。她呼吸加速,媚眼半張,轉身平躺張腿迎合……445Please respect copyright.PENANAECwit2yG7p
445Please respect copyright.PENANAdn0Xu9cp1E
當年阿杰的離開令家媛大受打擊,單身三年後方能走出陰霾,再覓戀情,接下來的四年內談戀愛五次。直至迎來三十歲,她的感情狀態始穩定下來,與我走在一起。相戀半年後,我們共賦同居至今約兩年半。我以為我們將會順理成章結婚生子,百頭到老,誰料半個月前我在客廳茶几上發現一本外國雜誌,封面主角是阿杰。445Please respect copyright.PENANA8PZPAbEIWO
445Please respect copyright.PENANAu38VV3EThb
家媛說她閒逛書店時驚見阿杰登上雜誌封面,好奇心驅使,買下雜誌。445Please respect copyright.PENANA5weOa6zvG1
445Please respect copyright.PENANAiQWFY20mwP
但我暗暗認定她對阿杰尚未釋懷,總是將家媛的一舉一動與阿杰作出聯想。她每天早上喝咖啡許是因為阿杰喜歡喝咖啡。她常穿白色裙子許是因為阿杰曾經公開讚美她皮膚白晳,適合穿白裙。她的五名前男友與阿杰有不少相似之處,是因為她心繫阿杰,而非她本來就是喜歡這類型的男士……445Please respect copyright.PENANA4YiZRiN8zi
445Please respect copyright.PENANAh4Pnd5IcOX
激情過後,壓力盡釋,腦袋放空,散亂雜念冒起。445Please respect copyright.PENANArUSBvQigMT
445Please respect copyright.PENANAW6DI21qYeM
如果當日阿杰沒有離開,他和家媛的愛情能否開花結果?如果阿杰留在本地發展,如今成為分區經理的人會否是他、不是我?如果阿杰未曾離開我的生活圈子,我是否不至如此妒忌?445Please respect copyright.PENANA1rRGzanBnS
445Please respect copyright.PENANAOYUUbVmO9T
妒忌?我無從否認。445Please respect copyright.PENANAQ1Uw70G3et
445Please respect copyright.PENANAghcGFp5IJ0
因何妒忌?我無法言明。445Please respect copyright.PENANAghitBffFch
445Please respect copyright.PENANAnjW0NUmkpz
「你是否仍然掛念阿杰?」我問,回味自己悉才將阿杰前女友壓在胯下的快感。445Please respect copyright.PENANA6W5S2Hpjh2
445Please respect copyright.PENANAp5TvCn85l8
「是。我還愛著阿杰。」家媛坦言,沒有絲毫悔疚表情:「每次做愛時,我一直幻想面前的人是他。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAzdlhrxkxXi
445Please respect copyright.PENANAtBDRJ8d492
「你何不到澳洲找他?他離開你是因為當時必須二選一。如果你去澳洲跟他一起當農夫,他就無需作出選擇!」我由衷建議,希望家媛到澳洲後再次認清自己不及幾棵蔬菜重要。445Please respect copyright.PENANAUNtixP8ieQ
445Please respect copyright.PENANApZmA8MaIfH
家媛沒有回話,可憐兮兮深深望入我雙眸。帶淚默默湊近,給我火熱一吻,吻得情深、吻得傷心。她主動騎上我身搖擺腰肢,給我極為美好的最後一夜作道別禮物……若果這夜相處是帶有感情或愛,相比之下,過去她未曾對我投放任何感情或愛。445Please respect copyright.PENANAAOp3Du6SVI
445Please respect copyright.PENANAyfZupWqBdH
翌日,家媛在我起床前已收拾所有個人物品離開,彷彿不曾在此生活過。整個房子空虛空洞空盪盪。早料有此一幕,惟真的去到必須面對的一刻,我心不禁感到難過——我為自己的無謂感到難過。445Please respect copyright.PENANAKFwR4m9vrE
十年又過去。445Please respect copyright.PENANAx1X9h8IrAa
445Please respect copyright.PENANAzRGeK7ahlw
我的事業更上一層樓,被擢升為亞洲區總監,需要長駐位於另一城市的亞洲區分行。445Please respect copyright.PENANAwekbtCxP4h
445Please respect copyright.PENANAZmH97M235v
收拾行裝,打掃家居,意外在書架一隅發現以阿杰作封面人物的舊雜誌。家媛是有意留下雜誌或是意外忘記帶走?我百思不得其解。無所謂吧。我已放下家媛,不在乎她此舉動機。445Please respect copyright.PENANAC6dQcQ9gxX
445Please respect copyright.PENANAvBnYt0ngRa
我在意的反倒是阿杰,十分好奇他獨個兒身在異地當農夫的經歷和感受。許是年過四十的緣故,心態和生活已有既定模式,無法想像不曾在日常生活出現或接觸的人事物。我對阿杰的印象仍然停留於機場道別一刻和雜誌封面照片。心血來潮,我把雜誌放入隨身行李,起行出發。445Please respect copyright.PENANAGISXg2ZATg
445Please respect copyright.PENANAIPN3UYlnwg
九霄雲上,機艙窗外,白日藍天。時區轉換,自然消失的三小時與我有關亦無關。445Please respect copyright.PENANAk76V7jPCV4
445Please respect copyright.PENANAOpVTZYBJ3x
我津津有味細閱雜誌。445Please respect copyright.PENANA80OBH4dZ5q
445Please respect copyright.PENANAUMGQ5J8kME
這是一本由澳洲政府印刷的月刊,每期內容旨在推廣當地經濟活動,包括但不限於商業、工業、農業。阿杰就是以「畜牧業工商協會代表」身份接受訪問,推廣當地畜牧業。他早年從事農業,後來發現自己對動物更有興趣,於是轉投𤰸牧業……445Please respect copyright.PENANAQc4TeGSmvJ
445Please respect copyright.PENANADzVY38Lo4s
一個滑稽畫面在腦海驀地冒起:瘦削黝黑的阿杰被無數毛茸茸的可愛雪白綿羊簇擁,寸步難行……445Please respect copyright.PENANAqkOcLpsTiE
445Please respect copyright.PENANArNJ9dD0Fln
離任舊職後、上任新職前,需要我現身出席的活動場合及工作會議大幅減少,我大部份時間只需以手提電話與同事聯絡即可。難得時間寬裕鬆動,我立即購買機票前往澳洲。445Please respect copyright.PENANAEZLqmF9XSn
445Please respect copyright.PENANAXB3djjlbBb
阿杰在當地甚有名氣,很多人甫看見雜誌封面就會說:「我知道!這是『牧羊人』阿杰!」。縱然他退下火線三年多,我不難從路人口中問得他的住處:某小型牧場內的一間紅磚小屋。445Please respect copyright.PENANAAgBexCNBHY
夜。初秋,微溫帶涼,空氣清爽。445Please respect copyright.PENANAEcerA01Ytw
445Please respect copyright.PENANAlKtvzutcRs
餐後,阿杰提議在屋外觀星。445Please respect copyright.PENANAUQTm5NDzvf
445Please respect copyright.PENANAqGYu1bpwxT
漫天繁星,目不暇給。445Please respect copyright.PENANAmXWE9bRG2Z
445Please respect copyright.PENANAxVircUhXej
阿杰說,我倆身處近郊地區,城市光害稍微影響星空能見度,明天會駕車帶我到郊區深處觀星勝地,車程大約兩小時。我問有沒有其他得推介的名勝。他推薦城市另端的一個港灣,黃昏景色絕美,氣氛浪漫。我建議他帶女人去,兩個大男人一起看日落,感覺彆扭。他提及曾經帶家媛看日落。445Please respect copyright.PENANAd1ZVQFLq0O
445Please respect copyright.PENANA61cp05E12I
「她還在澳洲嗎?」我竟心頭一戚。445Please respect copyright.PENANAom9d5bGqQr
445Please respect copyright.PENANAdaiwGDzWY6
「她只逗留半年,某天突然說想要回家。」阿杰輕嘆:「我們追求的理想生活方式截然不同,無法遷就或磨合。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAFz7PS02uju
445Please respect copyright.PENANA8TOslfUasz
「你是否仍然愛著家媛?」我多年前曾經問過同一問題。445Please respect copyright.PENANAHMk6wVcXpZ
445Please respect copyright.PENANAvh2Gd38oeV
「我已作出選擇。」阿杰多年前曾經交出同一答案。「家媛亦已作出選擇。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAZNaJEtcapa
445Please respect copyright.PENANAht579CnIip
我本欲開口問及那半年的詳情細節,但轉念一想,既成往事,多問無益。445Please respect copyright.PENANAJ24W7HalUw
445Please respect copyright.PENANAVMRqRsZcOR
「你不知道她回去了?」阿杰沉默良久,細思極恐,煞是驚訝。他還是老樣子,不懂鑑貌辨色,不懂得隱藏心思——他明顯知道我和家媛曾經的關係。445Please respect copyright.PENANAMJVasGJRgi
445Please respect copyright.PENANAWZOYDPno9a
我苦笑,輕輕帶過話題:「她不選擇你,不代表必然會選擇我。世上有數之不盡的選擇!」445Please respect copyright.PENANADdfMAl8zQC
445Please respect copyright.PENANABxSUsvxujD
「你呢?多年以來有沒有作出任何突破的選擇?抑或一直以來沿著理想道路走,毋須選擇?」阿杰仰望夜空,眸珠子映照出點點星光。445Please respect copyright.PENANAxRjhw9JTk0
445Please respect copyright.PENANAlkCxchqqW5
「我已作出選擇。」我打趣模仿阿杰口吻,其實心裡根本沒有確切答案——活著多年,我未曾思考這問題。我是幸運的,至少相比阿杰和家媛,我從來不需要面對兩難抉擇。或許,該說是從未有人事物重要得使我陷入兩難局面。445Please respect copyright.PENANAyR4JEh6Zgg
445Please respect copyright.PENANAg8LDz51r2V
翌日,我想要試試親手照顧羊隻。阿杰領我到羊舍,舍內只有六隻綿羊。445Please respect copyright.PENANAlVC20KdOIa
445Please respect copyright.PENANAVZsox7UTWb
「這是Dolly。那是Peter、Paul、Mary、Daisy、John。」445Please respect copyright.PENANA1jtzhgqO5a
445Please respect copyright.PENANA9uKjpkjgIA
「你只有六隻綿羊?」445Please respect copyright.PENANAoDKzcNh8kn
445Please respect copyright.PENANAX1adqaRA7C
「本來共有九百多隻牛羊……我的牧場在本區算是手屈一指的中型畜牧公司。但我某天醒覺自己不該以工廠模式對待牠們,所以三年前賣掉公司,只留六隻綿羊陪伴自己。偶爾種田養魚,打發時間。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAbrZIYrWBgC
445Please respect copyright.PENANAPGGbBZC9iZ
「原來你經已賺得盆滿砵滿,正在享受退休生活。哈!」445Please respect copyright.PENANAeZ8hz9BAh3
445Please respect copyright.PENANAANhKtO6761
我不明所以。原以為家媛捱不了窮、受不了苦,才會決定離開阿杰,現在看來似乎不是那麼一回事——阿杰本可活得更舒適閒逸,但他選擇了淡然、平實。這到底是甚麼心態?我不理解。445Please respect copyright.PENANASTZtqHuWzP
445Please respect copyright.PENANAEdczgk8jMS
接下來的幾日,阿杰整天與我待在牧場照顧羊隻。他駕輕就熟,我手忙腳亂,鬧出不少笑料,彼此笑得開懷。辛勞一天,晚餐顯得格外美味。445Please respect copyright.PENANAwLBn3HE90M
445Please respect copyright.PENANAaQfK2a9pN5
我問可否現在去看看上次提及的港灣。他說這時段港灣墨黑一片,只能看見海面燈塔和幾十支若隱若現的沿岸照明燈。我說不介意。他思索幾秒,點頭同意,動身起行。445Please respect copyright.PENANAl0dGJRYN8m
445Please respect copyright.PENANAEEaqNsuVQv
車途漫長,公路延綿,晚意無盡。僅能看見車燈亮光所及之處,似乎看清前路,同時又無法斷言前路定是平坦無礙。可能有袋鼠中途撲出,可能會輾過緩慢過路的野生小動物,可能早已奪去無數蛇蟲生命而不自知。唯一肯定的是我在此,阿杰在旁。他專心駕駛,全神貫注於路面情況,毫不察覺我從車窗玻璃倒影偷瞄他的神情。眉頭深鎖,雙唇緊抿,眼神深邃。阿杰在此生活多年,比我更清楚長途夜駕風險。他正在背負我倆的生命,只為我一句任性說話。445Please respect copyright.PENANAyIEmiPHuOL
445Please respect copyright.PENANA2XeA06T9c5
數小時後,我們抵達港灣。如阿杰所言,四周烏燈黑火,沒甚麼好看。不過我的心情很不錯。伸懶腰,深呼吸,吐烏氣。445Please respect copyright.PENANAqoblKaMYEJ
445Please respect copyright.PENANAi0Xd0DmnWO
阿杰遞來一杯熱朱古力。445Please respect copyright.PENANAaXQX630VVT
445Please respect copyright.PENANAnP5kIKvYEL
「這景色本該配襯熱咖啡,不過咖啡店經已休息,只得用帶來的熱水沖調朱古力粉。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAWiJ3bY2C9z
445Please respect copyright.PENANAwKvmo2RQqa
「不喜歡咖啡粉?」445Please respect copyright.PENANAe6xMynuD7F
445Please respect copyright.PENANAOykyXQPFT2
「那不是好東西。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAFUSB6aphzp
445Please respect copyright.PENANA7j8pRmsrTi
阿杰耍手搖頭,慨嘆世上竟有笨蛋暴殄天物,發明出那種鬼東西。我笑,沒料到凡事漠然的阿杰竟會在小事情上如此執著。我們不著邊際的談天說地,講及很多平日不會出口的無聊話題,後來甚至一起扮鳥叫、扮狗吠。不經思考,旨在吐出一些話語字音,抒發情感。445Please respect copyright.PENANAEkBsh0zgha
445Please respect copyright.PENANAQIQiKrmNsD
將近日出時分,天色曖昧,一片魚肚白由下而上逐漸侵蝕紫灰,白日冉升為界,廣闊天空分為上靛下橙兩截顏色,直至旭日光芒均勻散發照耀,各種顏色才得以混和融合,成為清澄開朗的藍。445Please respect copyright.PENANAUeHvayzXk4
445Please respect copyright.PENANA9w2mPncP1G
人流漸多,附近商店陸續開始新一天的經營。我和阿杰在附近酒店租房休息,一睡就睡上大半天,匆匆吃過快餐,也就驅車回羊舍去。445Please respect copyright.PENANAF7yKx1B0Ca
距離上任新職位的日子僅餘兩天,我心越益忐忑。喜歡這種悠閒生活,但也不捨辛勞多年得來的亮麗成績。445Please respect copyright.PENANAsDmGiHkuLD
445Please respect copyright.PENANApC6MsJS6gC
「你跟家媛一樣,希望兩者兼得,所以向我徵詢意見。」445Please respect copyright.PENANA5FTApIqp9U
445Please respect copyright.PENANAaFWk8oXg9q
「你當時如何回答家媛?」445Please respect copyright.PENANASHYYxUBb3x
445Please respect copyright.PENANABxbcjT24bo
「那是你的人生!怎麼跑來問我?」445Please respect copyright.PENANACZnVLTXOOO
445Please respect copyright.PENANArS8diE0orC
「家媛一定氣瘋了——她討厭這類答案。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAm3zSE2lB6H
445Please respect copyright.PENANAerGAey3hw5
「沒錯!她生氣得臭罵我一頓。罵著罵著,她痛哭起來,哭了足足一小時。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAdjS5k3zfzS
445Please respect copyright.PENANArgPkznnEuL
我理解家媛感受。445Please respect copyright.PENANAtj0L44Wsr6
445Please respect copyright.PENANAfn3vLn1pW5
有如夜駕前往港灣一事,任性的、危險的,偏偏我心底有股強烈念頭想要實行,然後我向阿杰徵詢意見——阿杰答應,那就實行;阿杰說不,那就放棄。我把作出選擇的責任轉嫁阿杰。但阿杰並非傻瓜,小事尚可代勞,重要事情就會婉拒——他自問無力為別人的人生負責。445Please respect copyright.PENANA4kOacwbAmh
445Please respect copyright.PENANAyAjQCSHUT0
「家媛感受到前所未有的兩難局面吧。選擇自由閒適但變幻莫測的生活模式,抑或諸多掣肘卻規律務實的人生道路?無法以遷就或磨合形式將兩者二合為一,必須作出取捨。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAmxTcipMEJm
445Please respect copyright.PENANA3vVjB3NDJR
「我理解家媛的感受。情況正如我當初決定到來澳洲生活那樣。我寧可背負『自私』罵名,不希望老來埋怨家媛和父母,自己當初為了他們而放棄甚麼甚麼。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAf7sn1jV1TW
445Please respect copyright.PENANAdgUlH3F0JD
「然後呢?家媛還有沒有講過甚麼特別的,或是有甚麼奇怪行為?」445Please respect copyright.PENANAYEgG3m7qbt
445Please respect copyright.PENANAks4vNllboe
阿杰神色尷尬,欲言又止。我會心一笑,明白後續是怎麼一回事:家媛主動睡了他。我不介意——她當時已跟我分手,並非我的伴侶——反倒在意另一細節:「你們有好好道別嗎?」445Please respect copyright.PENANAeK3PLM0NDB
445Please respect copyright.PENANAEmjxX4nVb8
「我一覺醒來,發現家媛已帶著行李離開,沒有留下片言隻字。數日後,有員工向我報告,他們發現有六隻初生小羊頸上編號牌貼有我和家媛年輕時的貼紙相。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAGwi3VV2He7
445Please respect copyright.PENANAJ5T0WxCgKR
「Dolly牠們?」445Please respect copyright.PENANA5cCsa14NcN
445Please respect copyright.PENANAJEySTJYqsj
「對。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAo7IM3X90Ka
445Please respect copyright.PENANAD9E5QNS27y
「真要命!你仍然愛著家媛。」445Please respect copyright.PENANAh9HsR7M6tT
445Please respect copyright.PENANA5XxDSEXAP5
「我已作出選擇。」445Please respect copyright.PENANA0HzP3RZPL7
445Please respect copyright.PENANA1jqyzQRYRb
兩日後,我孭著大背囊離開澳洲,阿杰是唯一一個送行的人。沒有離愁別緒,輕鬆平常得有如普通友儕飯聚後的道別。阿杰沒有捨不得我,我沒有留戀牽掛這段快樂日子,證明彼此不曾為任何選擇感到後悔。445Please respect copyright.PENANA4aQKgA7hU2
445Please respect copyright.PENANAmTy38lYee2
九霄雲上,機艙窗外,白日藍天。時區轉換,自然增加的三小時與我有關亦無關。445Please respect copyright.PENANAHeDjD6VtPU
445Please respect copyright.PENANAiIclBm84EH
我細閱手上文件,一心一意為假期後的首個工作會議作準備。
註:此篇將會收錄於短篇小說合集《雜念集》
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