I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye to someone. Say goodbye to someone forever. Say goodbye to someone with the thought that you would never meet again. Never meet someone to be close to you. It does not make sense who: father, mother, brother, sister, friend… Just one thought about it makes your heart tear apart. Tears come to your eyes from the thought that someone to be close to you does not want it, either. Someone does not want to say goodbye to you once and forever. Begs you to stay and promises to do their best to help you and support you. At these moments, you understand someone needs you. You are not alone in this world. You want to forget all your plans and stay. Stay to be with those, who would be missing you.
But unfortunately, it was impossible. At least, in the case of mine. Too much has happened in my short life and pushed me to this decision. Yes, there were wonderful moments. There was so much that made my gray life much more colorful. There were many people that made me smile and laugh. But alas, it did not help me get truly happy. It did not help me find the strength to keep living. Living without looking back. Looking at the happy me, nobody even guessed what was happening inside me. Nobody knew too much pain was hidden behind my wide smile. The pain, which was eating me inside and killing me slowly. The pain that I was literally choking from. I never told anyone about how bad I felt.
Someone would probably say I should let it go and forget everything. I need to live in the present and think of my future. I need to surround myself with good people and find something to do. Find something that would give me pleasure. And I really tried to do it. I tried to forget my past that gave me incurable pain. I found an interesting thing to do and gave my everything to the one. Something that gave me pleasure. I also met good people that were very nice to me and aimed to spend time with me. Someone of them became very close people to me. They became my real friends. The friends, who I never had.
I spent very much time with them even if I was never too open to them. I never told them what I was worried about. Why? Because I did not want to seem weak to them. I was afraid I would be judged and get laughed at if I revealed my soul to someone. It would hurt my heart. So, I banned myself from any revelations and kept everything inside. I tried to avoid talking about my personal life and me. Even if many people asked me about it. Many people wanted to know if there was something that bothered me. But I was silent. I said nothing and smiled, saying everything was fine. Even if it was not the truth… Yes, I could have told some especially close people about my pain. The people that I love with all my heart. But I did not do that.
It seems like I could live, enjoy my life, think of my plans for the future… But I could not do that. I could not get pleasure. I could not relax and feel happy. The past was chasing me and always reminded me of itself. My emotional wounds did not let me trust anyone. I always expected a betrayer and was sure there would be someone to wish to make fun of me. Someone that would love to criticize my look, my weight, my habits, my problems, my attempts to ask someone for help…
I always got laughed at because I was not like everyone. Starting from an early age. Nobody wanted to befriend me or just talk to me. I was always an outsider that nobody wanted to accept. A certain ugly duckling. That, unfortunately, did not become a beautiful swan after growing up. At least, I think so. Because of the regular bullying, I have never felt confident. I have never thought I am just sympathetic. I have always been sure I am stupid and talentless. Just some trash. Something that must be thrown off shortly. Even doing what I like, I always doubt myself and am terribly afraid to show the results of my work. If the people around me did not make me do it, I would not do this.
Sometimes I actually wanted to hide from this world. I wanted to go nowhere and keep sitting at my home. With the hope that people would forget me. But alas, nobody forgot me. Every time I showed up a few miles away from my offenders, everything started over again. Insults, humiliations, hits… Everything that seemed like a real nightmare. The nightmare, after which I did not wake up in my bed with the thought that it was just a dream. After everything I got through, it was very weird to meet people that did not even think of telling me about my weaknesses and criticizing me. That’s why I avoided communicating with them for a long time. But I slowly got the sympathy for them and learned to trust those, who surrounded me. However, I did not learn how to stand for myself… The only thing I could do is to be silent. But alas, the silence made the situation much worse…
However… It’s not the only thing that pushed me to the decision to say goodbye to the people I know. Love pushed me to that, as well. The one-sided love. The love for one beautiful girl, who I met a few months ago. I clearly remember that day. I remember I paid attention to her stunning smile and her emerald eyes. I remember she told me something in a soft, tender voice that I was ready to listen to forever. I put on a smile when she tucked a strand of long light brunette hair behind her ear and how beautifully it felt off her frigid shoulders. She was the cutest and most beautiful girl I had ever known.
I was so happy when we were talking about something at ease. The realization of the fact that she did not reject me and spent time with me with pleasure made me rejoice like a little child. That gorgeous girl paid attention to me, a short, homely, skinny guy with ugly glasses and thin blonde hair, who never had tough abs and a gorgeous body that girls dreamed about. And when she said she adored my freckles, I felt something warm in my soul. But at the same time, I was worried she could be not so sweet. She was waiting for a moment to humiliate and insult me. The way she treated me was something much more unusual than the way the people I got close to did it.
At some moment, I started to understand that I was falling in love with that girl and getting a psychical affection for her. I had a great wish to kiss her tenderly on her soft pink, pouty lips, grabbing that beauty by the thin waist and pressing her to me. And it scared me. Because my feelings could not be mutual. I was afraid she felt nothing but friendship for me. However, sometimes I got obsessed with doubts about the fact that she considered me a friend and a close person of hers. Even if there were no signs of it. Even if she always treated me with great tenderness and was ready to listen to me and support me. Nevertheless, my feelings were getting stronger every day. I was much more sure her refusal to be with me would break my heart and give me a stronger trauma. I had been terribly afraid of getting a stab in my back from someone to be in my circle. But then I began to be afraid of getting rejected and becoming the one people would laugh at. The love became the reason why I began to push myself into the hole more and more. The hole I would hardly get out of.
Biting the bullet, I was hiding my feelings so hard and dropping no hints at the fact that I was in love with her. But someone started to notice that I always looked at her in a special way and was ready to leave everything immediately to help her, listen to her and do my best for her to stop crying and to make me happy with her smile. Nevertheless, I never said that I wanted to be with her. Especially, the girl, for who I was ready to stay just a friend. I was even ready to smile and subdue a sense of jealousy when seeing her with another man, who she could love. I could do anything not to lose an opportunity to talk to her. To see her beautiful face. To hear her magical voice. To feel her tender skin when holding her hands or hugging her to say goodbye.
I naively thought I would take it. But it was beyond my control. They say love gives you happiness. It gave me sadness. This feeling did not make me happy. The more I made myself deny my feelings and fight with them, the stronger they were getting. I was losing this battle. There were moments when I wanted to come to the girl and confess my love for her. But I thought I did not deserve her. I was sure I did not deserve to be happy. Those, who humiliated and insulted me, said it. I wanted to scream because of being powerless. When I stayed alone, I let myself cry so hard, asking myself why I was not so lucky. Every day, it was getting harder to pretend that everything was fine. I was getting sick of meeting someone and behaving as if nothing happened. I wanted to lock myself at my home, go nowhere and talk to nobody. My friends began to notice that something was not right about me more and more. But I denied everything and kept hiding what was the reason why I was slowly burning inside.
And now I came to the boiling point. To the moment when I understood I could not take this anymore. No, I do not want to say anything. I do not want to open my soul to those, who are close to me. And I have not found the courage to tell that girl that I have madly been in love with her for a long time and have been struggling with a sense of jealousy so hard when hearing her stories about a date with a certain man. I do not want and will not do this. No… However, if someone gave that girl a hint that I liked someone, she would guess who that is. Anyone would realize it. Anyone would understand not only do the memories of my painful past are killing me and became the reason why I became so insecure. The love is also killing me. The feeling that people call wonderful. Which all the poets and artists are praising. That people talk and dream so much about.
It’s time to say goodbye. It’s my time to say goodbye to the people, who truly wanted to make me happy and prove that life could be wonderful if you met good people. I am grateful to them with all my heart and will never forget everything they have done for me. I am grateful for living some light moments. For the moments when I sometimes saw the bright light at the end of the tunnel. For the hope that I could forget everything and live a much better life. For the fact that my smile was true at times. For the fact that I sometimes was a little happier. For discovering what a good attitude was. I understood that not all the people in the world were so evil and horrible. But alas, I did not get to open my soul to them and began to trust them. Even though I really tried.
I am really sorry about what happened… I am sorry there would probably be someone to miss me and want me to come back. But I can’t take this anymore… I have no strength to take it all… Moreover, I was taking it for a too long time.
Goodbye, my friends… Live happily and do not worry about me. Goodbye, my green-eyed beauty… I love you and wish you all the best.
Please, don’t blame yourself for the fact that I suffered so much. You’re guilty of nothing. The problem is not you. The problem is me…
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