又是一陣沉默，然後妍妍轉頭看著我問道：「呀遊。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lDGd0ojHD
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「…係？」我回答。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvR2bmBExdZ
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「你覺得PTGF係做Ｄ咩？」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYM1a6pnIeZ
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PDGF，是Part Time Girl Friend簡寫，老實說不是甚麼新興東西，以往的名字有很多，援交，出租女友，兼職女友，爸爸活，Sugar Daddy之類…當然，仔細劃分用字定義還是能分出差異的，但…1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufQ5wzrtRp
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「因金錢利益與男性發生關係」，這點應該不會錯。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhrJON67Wr
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妍妍看著海說：「嗯，可以咁講…雖然有Ｄ女仔堅持唔上床，只係行街睇戲食飯拖手之類，但係…」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWnLSsNiFKv
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我等著她最後那句。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0JpZPFrDn
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「…我唔係個種。」妍妍說。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkgzkLJRbhE
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「嗯，我聽緊。」我說。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKu9vzOqHL
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她看看我，似乎發現我表情眼神沒甚麼變化後似乎放鬆了一點：「我仲以為你會介意添。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wOViGra0M
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我失笑：「我又唔係你邊個，有咩好介意？」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJfhCXWttxz
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「即係如果我同你親密Ｄ既你就會介意？」她反問。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXy5uJxgeP
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「我唔回答假設性問題。」我擺出官腔，因為我真的不知道。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34xtHC4tpE
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妍妍喝一口啤酒：「不過都唔係每個男仔我都會同佢做…普通都係遊下車河，去船P，食飯個Ｄ，如果真係岩Feel同信得過既先會做。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctEhF1V458
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「咁…」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFqsjcqT21
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感覺我說甚麼也會錯。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQUcBNwhAtz
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「之前我咪問你關於Deep-World，黑PR既事…我都係係客身上聽返黎，有錢人就有呢Ｄ門路，總之，我係想搵黑PR黎對付我唯一既個個EX 。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3obwaDjOT
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妍妍說過她是A1，即是現在單身，但曾拍過一次拖。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEgm68kOhrV
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「嗯，你講過。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQjVawt0gd
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「但我估唔到你會記住。」她說，「估唔到你會記到童桐以外既事啊？」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlEzakRIe2R
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「咪笑我啦。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DhFuB9L5o
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她笑了。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRyl28yUXt
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「尋日係好日，佢就係尋日結婚…」妍妍看著漆黑的海說，「終於都完，感覺就好似發左場夢咁。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTbPQWTaln
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「係好夢定惡夢？」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFKFIFlXpu
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「…同現實比，係好夢。」她說，「同個時我地打算過既將來比，係惡夢。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIN7Gg2dYcr
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我仔細咀嚼這一句當中的含意。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qqN7plLz0
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「曾經我同你一樣啊，呀遊。」她說，「曾經我都將一個人視為全宇宙，視為我既一切，我既世界就係圍住佢轉。過去，現在，未來，都因佢而起，因佢而存在，亦因佢而有寄望。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo3HJeM2Lsn
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雖然我猜到了個大概，但我決定沉默。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWwaXIkRBW
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有時候甚麼也不回應，只是陪伴，就是最好的回應。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6HTbAsb8Ie
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「我係你身上，就好似睇到曾經既自己咁。」妍妍說。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgE1VJAaJ0C
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然後，她把頭靠到我的肩膊上。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRLFw8FLhl
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「仲相信愛情，只為左一個人而活，全心，全靈，為左自己鐘意既人博盡全力去爭取，連對手係植嵐晨咁既級數既人都繼續前進。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZDwOdOnZa
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她一頭棕髮沿我胸膛傾瀉而下，撲鼻而來的是她頭髮的香氣夾雜海水咸味。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNF8DoiQtU
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妍妍深呼吸，然後嘆了一口氣：「唉，但…依加已經完晒，其實早就應該完，當年就應該完，係我一直放佢唔低，直到佢尋日婚都結埋…我先知道一直走唔出去既人係我，亦…只有我一個。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy2TGpU4not
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在之前我也想像過童桐結婚而新郎不是我的畫面。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzJ8uni9xg
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在之後，我連想像的勇氣也沒有。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFqi4Oz3Wv
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那是信仰的崩潰，世界的崩潰。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxnZcaAqhc
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萬物的崩潰。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJqKCzfc9B2
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「所以你分手之後做PTGF…係因為…」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71syCzMSov
1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFc06HmFis5
「我以為佢會在意。」妍妍自嘲地冷笑，「至少以為佢會嬲，佢會話我污糟之類，但係…佢根本完全唔在意，我試過自己上網唱佢，佢都係理都唔理，本身至少想佢憎我，如果可以，我想佢至少憎我一世。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWHEAfQtUw
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妍妍說著說著，眼淚便靜靜的淌下。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPUiY4LcoQ
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「點解…點解連憎我一世都唔可以？」妍妍哽咽地說，哭著的她全身在發抖。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnyM5GVpD1Y
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愛的反面不是憎恨。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikygJSRi2L
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愛的反面是徹底的無視和冷漠。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MWGX0wyvC
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不知道是不是她已經習慣了這表情，竟然連抹也不打算抹，恍如連自己也要放棄自己一樣。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuohH6DMPS
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這光景，我看過。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qSz6iZfq9
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我在曾經的自己身上看過。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwYlCSV2EE
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「你唔應該咁對自己。」我掏出紙巾輕印她的眼淚，「始終要放下。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pWdFemtct
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「我知，但我做唔到。」把頭枕在我肩上的妍妍說，「等於我叫你放下童桐一樣。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMCZ9ug1eJx
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「無可能。」我搖頭。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUWSd9rKwb
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「嗯，無可能。」她點頭。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOU3TQ4Wd09
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她繼續說：「一開始我只係咁自暴自棄，後來…我就覺得無所謂，點都無所謂，同唔同既男仔去玩，去蒲，做咩都好…我已經無所謂，過得一日就一日，反正又有錢收。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86dJ5ISCP5
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她打了個哆嗦，然後說：「既然唔知做咩好，咁樣就做咩都得。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoxQcXdArD
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失去人生目標的滋味，我倒還記憶猶新，大約幾小時前吧。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9uWYcmniT
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而且再往前回溯，在中學畢業後的暑假我也是這樣，唯一等待的就是自己慢慢在角落腐爛，做任何事也只是因本能而行動，也不記得今天是星期幾，幾月幾日，因為沒有需要。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdGyuTYeVc
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甚麼也再沒需要了。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8DsFjA0sa
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妍妍在我身上看到曾經的自己。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9GVYJwVJP5
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我也在妍妍身上看到曾經的自己。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvOZQzc3W6
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我把自己那時的頹然喪志和妍妍說了個大概，她同樣地靜靜的聽著，而且聽著聽著她把自己雙腳抱住，似乎好像聽到甚麼不願意回想起的事一樣。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWvbsQjI6g6
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話畢。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuoQK6kpxDT
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妍妍閉上眼思考了一會兒，然後開口說：「睇黎我黎搵你呻係正確既選擇。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhraaoJPNp
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「你想既，幾時都可以。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5IxW5NRjX
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她沉默了片刻。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7gbfv9wsV
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「咁你個時點走出去？」她問我。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQLOmAzgBp
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「一黎童桐唔俾我繼續摺落去喇。」我說，「二黎就係射返箭，射箭個時個人會好專心，射中靶會好有成功感，漸漸就走左出黎。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Fm71yCCZe
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「無興趣。」她微笑說。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQipBhBXD3o
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「…咁點解個時你唔搵我？至少我可以好似童桐拖我出房咁樣幫你，我地細個都一齊玩過，我唔會唔理你。」我說。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD21Va10byO
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「個時我都未搵返你。我地細個個時又無Facebook IG呢Ｄ。」妍妍說，「係去到情聖係TG Group臨時要女仔同你去街，我先知個個係你。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8WKZhUOYy
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「係咪…好失望？」我苦笑，「搞到要搵PTGF………雖，雖然係用黎激童桐啦，我本身都無諗住要搵PTGF，一日都係情聖自把自為，未未未未等到30歲轉生做魔法師囉…」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkTg2qUyJJb
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我說到了後半句才發現自己的發言何等窩囊，馬上手忙腳亂地想修正，但是似乎愈描愈黑。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkIgp0eCxPL
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「好啦，唔使解釋。」妍妍被我的慌張樣子逗笑，「你真係除左射箭咩都唔識架喎。」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9M3N0qWjJ
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「連你都咁講，嗚…」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHsApHsgxs
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「咁樣先係你既賣點。」妍妍輕撫我被海風吹亂的頭髮說。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdNv1g4Sbd
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同樣是看到我使出全力追求童桐，情聖在我身上看到自己沒有之物並覺得耀眼，而妍妍在我身上看到曾經的自己並覺得懷念。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEv79r0AH0
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我完全不覺我自己會為任何人帶來啟發，但似乎他們不這樣認為。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvxczcnOXk
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「咁你以後有咩打算？既然個個人已經連婚都結埋。」我說。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGi8LjQCHu
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「……我唔知。」妍妍看著海的雙眼變得空洞，不過她還把頭靠在我肩上，我很有信心她沒有任何投海的念頭。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdlK9S56lqZ
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然後她開口問：「你呢，如果最後童桐都係唔同你一齊，你又有咩打算？」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtYUkIAx8X
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「……我唔知。」我給出和妍妍一模一樣的答案。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlLZqw4NIV1
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看來我真的沒有鼓勵人的天分，但畢竟我也自身難保嘛。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSujpShsUT
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「……」1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXp4pIKK6SI
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兩個不知還可以怎樣辦的人，就這樣互相倚靠在一起，坐在海邊喝著廉價的啤酒，吹著因暑氣而帶點異味的海風。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcyOVOh2CW4
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不是甚麼事也能憑決心，憑努力去改寫的。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqGaZmHYZ3
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夏天，也到尾聲了。1007Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZKEcxRt2T
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