You're Breaking My Heart | Anakin Skywalker x Reader | ⅓
- summary: being a Jedi meant you could not harbor attachment to anyone or anything - it could entice emotions that were easily swayed to devices of the Dark Side. however, as hard as you tried, you couldn’t help but care deeply for your friend and ally, Anakin Skywalker. as days passed into years, you fell in love with him; only to realize that all of those rules, all of those laws, the code itself…it was all true. Love was dangerous.
- warnings: girl-next-door vibes, angst, broken hearts, some tears
- word count: 3.6 K
- music: Ahsoka Leaves by Kevin Kiner
The sound of the rippling waters trickling by the steps on which you stood made your thoughts ease a little more than they had been seconds before stepping down from the palace courtyard. In front of you laid a large Nabooian pond, green and blue in the rays of the hot sun. Algae and lily pads populated the water, bobbing up and down softly as a soft summer breeze pulled the surface towards the north. You stood with your arms crossed over your stomach, your fingers rubbing mindless shapes into your forearms.
As the wind swept your hair onto its playful breeze, you stared at the water as it taunted you with its peaceful state. Your mind, the arena in which your thoughts were constantly at war, was turned over into chaos. As a Jedi, this was beyond unacceptable - but you couldn’t help it. That’s why you had chosen to escape from the dining hall, from the council meeting, and even from Anakin Skywalker, your best friend. You were trying to overcome your mind, and you needed solitude to do so. That had to count for something in the code, even if you were having a difficult time with it.
You knelt down closer to the water’s surface, allowing your fingers to trace over the entity without breaking its barrier and submerging your flesh into its captivity. You drew letters and circles over the water, granting a pattern to follow the line of your movement. A quaint smile found its way to your lips as the soothing feel of the elements seemed to act as a balm for the frayed edges of your nerves.
But the sound of an all-too-familiar voice stripped the smile from your face.
“You’re not trying to run away again, are you?” Anakin’s footsteps quickened as he hit the marble steps that lead to where you were crouched. You kept your eyes on the water until his shadow darkened the ground by your feet. When your gaze lifted as you searched to find his eyes, you were comforted by the all-knowing smirk that tugged at his lips. When your stomach fluttered, you silently chastised yourself.
These feelings aren’t right - they’re not allowed! … But why does it feel so good?
“That was years ago, Anakin. I haven’t tried to run away since we were children.” You tried your best to smile, but even the laugh you omitted was hollow and suppressed. He only hummed in reply as he walked around you and knelt beside you, touching the water just as you had been. You watched with a knotted stomach as his fingers traced just centimeters from your own. When his fingers grazed yours in the pattern he was creating, you froze.
He touched me. Does he know what I’m thinking now?
No, (Y/n), don’t be an idiot. Using the Force doesn’t give you telepathy - unless you warrant it.
Is he warranting it? Does he know?
As your nerves acclimated with worry and fear, you stood up abruptly. Now you weren’t just struggling against your forbidden attachment to Anakin, but now you were experiencing emotions that were also forbidden. The very realization made your heart race and your blood pound as it fueled through your veins.
“Is something wrong?” He asked, turning his head to face you as his hand lingered over the pond
“Oh, no, no, no, I’m just -uh, nervous. For tomorrow’s meeting…with the council.”
“It’s just another briefing, nothing to be worried about. We have them every week.” He turned back to the water, toying with the tip of a lily pad that floated by.
“…Right. Well, I thought we were getting our new missions tomorrow.” You bluffed.
Anakin stood, turning to face you again, his expression giddy like a little boy.
“Are we really?”
“Uh, I don’t know. I could be mistaken.”
“That’s great! We’ve been just sitting around the palace since Padmé returned from Coruscant. I knew we would have to protect her for a while, but now that we’re back on Naboo, I think she’s safe. I mean, we’re Jedi! There’s so much we can do everywhere else.” Something in what he said struck you awkwardly.
Did he just use the Senator’s first name?
“Padmé?”
“Oh, uh, I mean the queen. Sometimes I forget to use formalities. I met her when I was younger, back on my home planet.”
You drew your brows together, your head tipped to the side slightly.
“I know; I was there.”
“Oh, right.”
“Ani, are you alright?” You asked, squinting in the rays of the sun that glistened just above his head. You bound your hands together behind your back. His silence answered your inquiry, especially as he turned back to the pond’s glistening reflection. He knelt down by the water again, just watching the edge of the pond lap up against the bank of the steps. As seconds passed like lingering minutes, you urged a response.
“Anakin?”
“Actually…there is something I would like to tell you. I’ve been keeping it a secret for a while, but I just don’t want to keep it hidden any longer. At least not from you.” As his words sank in, your heart filled with hope. The negative feelings that had been plaguing you began to dissipate to the recesses of your mind. You couldn’t help the smile that found its way onto your lips.
Surely he’s not about to say what I think he is? Am I not alone in what I’m feeling?
“Can you keep a secret? For me?”
“Of course, Ani. Anything,” Your smile deepened and you nodded at him, encouraging his confession. “You can trust me.”
“I know I can,” He laughed lightly, as though relieved. You felt his hand enclose yours, making your mind go numb and your heart loses track of its own rhythm. “I just don’t want to disappoint you. It’s not exactly Jedi etiquette, what I’m about to tell you.”
You squeezed his hand, smiling up at him.
“It’s alright, Ani. You could never disappoint me.”
While you waited for his words to spill forth, you felt as giddy as he had only minutes before when he thought you were getting new missions. His hand still gripped yours as he watched the water again, sifting through his thoughts. When he opened his mouth, everything around you seemed to lull to a stop. Nothing else mattered but what he was about to say.
“I’m in love with Padmé.”
The words didn’t register. The sound of his voice was almost foreign.
Had he even speak English? What did he say?
The absolute shattering of your heart was foreign as well - but it hurt so much that your chest tightened and you felt your throat constrict. In the pit of your stomach, you felt as if a hollow mass had begun to grow, aching and spinning. You felt utterly sick.
What? Padmé?
“And we’ve been seeing each other since we got back to the palace, ever since I was charged to look after her. I don’t know when it began; I guess it was all the back on Tatooine when I thought she was an angel…I just never really stopped thinking about her. I can’t help what I feel for her. And surely something so wonderful couldn’t bet against the code, could it? I mean, I know it’s dangerous, but there are ways to ensure that-…”
Everything Anakin was saying faded out of understanding. It sounded like a jumble of mixed vowels and consonants, strung together in one confusing speech of noise and tone. Your head whirled and whirled, getting lighter by the second. You felt as if you would dip forward and fall into the pond, or backward onto the slabs of marble stone.
He’s in love with Padmé?
When everything went black, you knew you had failed to remain conscious.
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“Just go away, Anakin.” You whimpered amidst your tears, your voice breaking.
“No, not until you open this door and I see that you’re alright.”
“Anakin, just leave me alone!” You yelled although it sounded more like a plea than a command. When you heard no response, you thought he had listened to you and left you alone. And you felt sorry for it - you had hoped he would have stayed, even if you told him off. When you heard the fumbling of the lock gears in your door, you looked up. The knob was turning by itself, up and down over and over again, until the lock released with a click.
The door glided open inch by inch, just until he could fit his head through the door. You fought the smile that threatened to expose your joy upon seeing him. The young boy with a mop of blonde hair stepped over the threshold.
Why am I remembering this? This was so long ago, only months after Master Kenobi brought him back with us to the Jedi Temple from Tatooine.
“See? I knew you weren’t alright.” He said as he saw the tears trickling down your cheeks. He stepped inside your room and shut the door behind him softly. You didn’t look back up until you felt your mattress sink down beside you.
“What do you want, Anakin?” You mumbled, fidgeting with the bandages on your forearm.
“For you to smile again,” He said, placing his hand on your upper back and rubbing it up and down. “I know Master Windu is tough, but he means well.”
“He told me I would never be a Jedi master! And that I’m was a clutz!” Your voice grew quieter. “You’re lucky, Ani. You have Master Kenobi. I have the meanest teacher on the council.”
“I’m sorry, (Y/n). But he is right…you are sort of a clutz.” He gushed with a mischievous smile.
“Hey!” You yelled, smacking his hand away from your back.
“I’m just kidding!” He held up two hands in surrender. “I was just trying to make you laugh.”
“I know,” You whined. “But he hurts my feelings. He isn’t very nice.”
“I’m sorry. Can I make it better?”
“Yeah. You can go steal one of those purple pastries from the kitchen for me.”
“But we’re not supposed to steal. It’s against the code.” Anakin’s voice was quiet.
“I know…” You hung your head, ashamed of the suggestion. “Maybe Master Windu was right. I’ll never be a good Jedi. I’ll never pass the trials.”
“Of course, you will! You’re the best padawan I know, and you’ve always been so nice to me. You’re my favorite.”
“Really?” You gasped, finally meeting his gaze. He nodded.
“Oh, thank you, Ani!” You cried, engulfing him in a hug. His small arms are enclosed around your frame.
“Hey, no problem,” He smiled over your shoulder. “Besides, the trials are years away from now. We have plenty of time to train together.”
“Together, Ani?”
“Forever. I think you’re going to be my best friend.”
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The memory from your childhood that had formulated before your very eyes faded, returning to the endless blackness you had equated to unconsciousness. Then, a rippling mixture of light and color replaced the darkness. Another memory flooded your vision.
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“Raise your blade up, Anakin! She’s going to clip your neck if you’re not careful.”
“Ha! Even Master Kenobi thinks you’re sloppy today, Ani!” You laughed with a grunt, just as you brought your lightsaber up from your side and towards Anakin’s neck, where he just barely managed to deflect it.
“Oh, shut up, (Y/n).” He quipped, shoving you back with an extension on his open palm.
“Hey, I thought we agreed to no Force moves today!” You whined, balancing yourself against his strength.
“That was before you decided to fight like a savage.” He lowered his hand and the invisible force which was holding you back faded promptly. You lunged forward, bearing your saber down on top of his. He grunted as he held your blade suspended with his own, the energy between your sabers omitting static and shock as they rested against each other.
“If I didn’t make it challenging for you, you’d never be able to put up a proper fight!” You seethed through gritted teeth as you used all your strength against his blade.
“Quiet down, you two. Training is for growth in both combat and connection to the Force, not for talking.” Master Kenobi chastised. He was answered by the girlish yelp of Anakin as the heat of your lightsaber just barely grazed the tips of his fingers, followed by your laughter. “(Y/n), let up. You’re not trying to actually kill each other.”
“See? Savage!” Anakin yelled as you pulled up. He brought his saber back and swung out at you. You ducked, then swept his leg with the heel of your shoe. He collided with the ground in a heap of off-white robes.
“Haha! Gotcha now, didn’t I?” You boasted, smiling broadly as you stood over him.
“Arrogance doesn’t suit you, (Y/n).” He smirked, glancing at your exposed calves.
Oh no.
“No, Ani!” You just barely managed to cry before he swung his arm out and deadened the back of your knee with his elbow, sending you onto the ground next to him with a deafening thud. Your saber, which you hadn’t distinguished, burned a rut into the training mat. The sound of the blade hitting and melting into the mat made you look up and grab the hilt, retracting the blade.
“Great job. This is the fourth mat you both have ruined this month.” Master Kenobi chided his hands on his hips. But you could have sworn there was a hint of a smile on his face. “Get up. It’s almost time for the briefing.”
“Do you always have to have the last word?” You mumbled, taking Anakin’s hand as he helped you stand back up.
“Have you met me?” He grinned, yanking you up next to him.
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Again, the memory was replaced with darkness. In the waiting between memories, you tried to wake yourself, but to no avail. That memory of training together… that had been a few years ago, although it seemed so fresh in your mind. As you recalled the way the mat smelled of charred rubber, you faintly heard a voice calling your name. Anakin’s voice was hovering and mixing somewhere above you, but you couldn’t pull yourself out of your stupor.
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“Are you ready yet? We’re going to be late. Again.” Anakin’s voice was muffled from the other side of the door. Little did he know, you had been ready for the last fifteen minutes. You were leaned up against the door, your breath labored and uneven.
“I don’t want to go.” You mumbled, hoping he wouldn’t hear.
“What? You’ve been going on about this gala for the last two months!” Anakin turned around and faced your closed door, staring at the knob with arms crossed. He could easily open it like he always did when you were hiding away from the world, but he wasn’t entirely sure if you were decently dressed. “Every senator from across the galaxy is going to be there, and maybe even the new Queen of Naboo! Don’t you want to make a good impression as the Padawan of Master Windu?”
“I know, but…I’ve changed my mind. You go without me. And my master can fend for himself quite easily enough.”
“No, (Y/n). I’m not going without you.”
“Why not? I said I don’t want to.” Anakin’s expression softened as he heard the twinge of remorse in your voice. He could feel your presence on the other side of the door, just inches from him.
“Because I don’t want to go without you. It’ll be boring.”
“No, it won’t. You can pester Master Kenobi.”
“It won’t be worth it without you there to laugh with me.” He pressed on, trying o coax you outside of your room. “Will you open the door?”
“Anakin.”
“Please?” He waited in the silence as you contemplated his request. On the other side, you stood fully dressed in an (f/c) gown that fell in silk to your ankles. Bracelets of gold wrapped around your wrists and upper arms, draping the fabric around you like wings. The neckline was wide and nestled on the edge of your shoulders, revealing your neck and collarbones. Your feet were bare - you could never get used to heels, especially after spending your entire life in boots and sandals suitable for a Jedi’s life.
You’d never worn anything so beautiful, so regal. To you, it was even revealing, although when compared to other gowns that would be worn and the modern fashion, it was incredibly conservative. However, in light of your everyday garments, this was beyond revealing. You were used to pants, belts, turtlenecks, wraps, scarves, and a heavy beige robe. You felt ridiculous.
“(Y/n), let me in,” His voice was so soft. “It’s just me. Ani.”
When the lock clicked and you opened the door just enough for him to see your part of your face, he eagerly grasped for the knob, afraid you would shut the door in his face. The terrified look on your face stopped him.
“Promise you won’t make fun of me?”
“Why would I make fun of you? I haven’t even-”
“Just promise me, Anakin.”
He nodded.
“I promise.”
You released the door and allowed him to open it and enter your room. You stepped behind the door as it opened, hoping to somehow hide. But it was no use; when he stepped around the door and saw you, he stopped dead in his tracks. His jaw dropped and his eyes traced every curve of the fabric and the glint of the golden jewelry. You winced.
“I knew it. I look absolutely ridiculous.” Your head dropped and you fanned your arms out, looking at the way the fabric draped, exposing your arms from cuff to cuff.
“No, you…you look-…” He stuttered. You looked up and watched him. He was never one to be brought speechless.
Was it that bad?
“See? This is why I’m not going. I don’t look right in all of this, it’s just too weird-”
“You look stunning, (Y/n). Absolutely stunning.”
“What?” You breathed, lowering your arms. His eyes grazed over your hair, which was immaculately braided and curled, with golden beads woven throughout. “You really think so?”
He nodded, a smile taking over his features.
“You’re beautiful.”
“Thank you, Ani,” You blushed. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“No, I mean it! You look nice!”
“Nice? That’s all you can say?”
“Oh, come on! You have to admit, you kinda look the same. Except you’re in fancier shoes. And you brushed your hair.”
“You’re not wrong,” He laughed, taking a look at himself. The ceremonial robes he was allowed to wear as a male Jedi were pretty much the same, apart from the ornate cape that swooped from shoulder to shoulder and clipped with a silver medallion on his left pauldron. “I guess the cape is different, too.”
You couldn’t help the fit of laughter that echoed from your chest.
“Oh, shut up! Come on, or both of our masters will kill us.” He offered you his arm, which you took without hesitation. That wasn’t the last time your stomach was filled with butterflies, nor was it the last. “And no more unkempt hair jokes.”
“I didn’t say anything!”
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Your head began to swirl around, making you dizzy all over. As the memory from just months before faded before your eyes, you could feel yourself coming to. The sunlight that had been blinding you before gleamed into your closed eyes, which now fluttered back open.
“(Y/n)?” Anakin’s voice was pensive as he leaned over you. “(Y/n), are you alright?”
“Hm?”
“Are you alright? You just passed out! I didn’t know what to do,” He stammered, feeling your forehead. The warmth from his touch made you dizzy again. “Can you sit up?”
“Yes, I’m fine, Anakin.” You whispered, forcing yourself into an upright position. “Did I fall into the pond?”
“No,” He chuckled. “Can’t you tell you’re not wet?”
“Oh. I guess that wouldn’t make sense.”
“Not really, no,” His smile was so welcoming and bright, that you couldn’t help but allow it to fill your soul with comfort. “Are you better now?”
“I think so. Sorry I went out while you were talking about-…about…” You paused as his confession of love replayed in your head. Your shoulders grew heavier by the second as the burden fell upon them again. “About Padmé.”
“It’s alright. I guess it was a little too much at once?”
You frowned. You didn't want to give any credit to his news for your reaction. You weren’t entirely sure what had overcome you; you’d never been one to pass out because of shock.
“No, I’ve just been out in the heat for a long while. It was probably just exhaustion.” You lied.
“Well, let’s get you back inside, then.” He said, standing up and reaching an arm behind your back and under your arms.
“Anakin, I’m fine, really.”
“You might as well stop making excuses, (Y/n). I know you too well.”
“Do you? ” You mumbled on your breath.
“Of course I do, you’re my best friend.” He replied, innocently oblivious.
His best friend. How endearing of you, when my entire heart is already yours.
You silenced your thoughts. How was Anakin to know that you loved him? You’d never uttered a word of your affections to him; not one syllable. Perhaps if you had spoken up long ago, you wouldn’t be at the mercy of the code and Anakin’s own heart. But you felt broken, even as he helped you carry yourself up the marble steps towards the palace terrace. Even though you had long earned the title of his dearest and most valued friend, it was obvious you would never be anything more than that.
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