"Ms. Varella to the front desk please." The receptionist whined over the speaker. It was nine in the morning and time for my doctor's appointment.
I anxiously made my way to the doctors office. Be happy. I reminded myself. I walked in with a smile on my face. "Good morning!" Maybe I'm being too fake. It's noticeable.
"Well hello, Violet. You're in an awesome mood today." Yep, he noticed.
"I'm in a great mood every day, doctor." I sat down, back straight, legs crossed, hands in lap. I felt like I was at a job interview.
"So how are-" I cut him off. I didn't mean too.
"I'm ready to go home." I stated, calmly.
"I don't think so." He replied, writing a note on my stack of papers. I took a moment to try to calm myself. This office looked a lot nicer than most, if not all of the building. I mean, it wasn't beautiful, but it didn't look like it was too out of style. There was even a very comfortable looking couch against the wall. He has a wooden desk which was definitely made for doctors and therapists. The legs had a twisted design that my eyes couldn't help but follow all the way to the glass surface on top. He also had an aromatherapy defuser on top of his bookshelf, the aroma of lemon pouring from the top. "Miss Varella?" He pulled my attention.
"Why can't I go home?" I gulped.
"You tried to kill yourself, Violet." He looked from me to my paperwork and continued to write.
"I almost tried." I said, stressing the word almost. "What are you writing about me anyways."
"Just notes." He sat, emotionless.
"That wonderful." I rolled my eyes.
"I don't appreciate your attitude, Varella."
"I don't appreciate you trapping me here and taking your stupid notes."
At this moment, the doctor seemed to lose his temper. "Well, my notes state that you are in complete denial of your illness and that you tend to have angry outbursts."
"Good job. You seem to know everything, smart ass." I snapped.
"If you can tell me why you feel the need to constantly act this way, then maybe I will let you go home."
"I am not sick!" my annoyance flared.
"I'm the doctor, you can't yell at me." He sat with his photo in his hands. I already knew what he was thinking.
"Is that a threat, doctor?" I raised my eyebrow.
"I'm just giving you, yet another warning. When patients have fits of rage, they get sedated."
"This hospital is so twisted!" I jumped out of my chair.
"Get out of my office before you regret this!" He yelled.
I stormed out, swallowing my anger. I practically ran down the hallway to the phone. I punched in my father's number. I'm gonna have that doctor fired. "Please, pick up!" I repeated over and over, talking to the old school, wired, metal phone. No answer. I leaned my head against the wall and held my eyes closed for a moment, dreaming of my tiny pink bedroom. I'm not sure how much time when by, but I was pulled out of my fantasy by the sensation of a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to see a young nurse. She couldn't be much older than me. Her eyes sparkled with concern.
"Hey, V." She said, gently. "The doctor ordered some anxiety medication for you." She held the small couple out to me, inside was a single blue pill.
"He's trying to drug me." I replied, blandly.
"V, if you say that too loud, they're going to add paranoid to your list of symptoms. I don't want that for you. I understand that you are normal. Just take the medicine and relax." She smiled in a certain angelic way that I could never explain. It was nice to find a worker that doesn't believe I'm a psychopath. I felt the pill slide down my throat and gave the cup back to her. We talked for a short moment when suddenly the medication hit me.
"How strong was that pill?" I slurred, feeling drowsy. The nurse didn't respond. She just smiled and walked away. I turned to look down the hall and to my room. The whole building spun with me. I began stumbling down the hallway, which felt like miles. I heard Jemma yell my name in the distance. "Jemma?" I whispered. She came up behind my left side and put her arm around me, holding me up. September appeared on my right.
"Are you alright?" His words swayed through my mind.
"They drugged me!" I tried to yell but the words seemed to fall from my mouth onto the floor.
"Violet, you'll be fine." Jemma said. "Just enjoy your high." I heard her giggle.
I looked over to September. He's so beautiful. Even with that stupid bottle of soy sauce. I just stood still for a moment, staring into his lovely blue eyes. He looked back at me, awkwardly. I think this is the first time he's made really eye contact with me. I couldn't help but smile at him. "You're pretty." I slurred, again. Jemma quickly put her hand over my mouth.
"Ha!" She exaggerated. "Okay, I'm gonna take her to our room now." She said to September, power walking down the hall with me under her arm. She laid me down in my bed.
"Did I just flirt with September?" I stared at the textured ceiling.
"Yeah, It was totally awkward. Now get some sleep." She replied.
A few hours later, I woke up at gazed out the window. How long have I slept? I got out of bed and walked by myself down the hallway. It must be dinner because it's so empty. I made it to the dining area to find everybody already eating. I hurried to grab my food before they closed up the kitchen. Psych ward potato casserole, yum. I sat done with my group. September looked more uncomfortable than ever. I wanted to smack myself. I can't believe I tried to flirt with him. Ugh. I looked over to see Victoria weeping across the room. "What's wrong with her?" I asked.
"I'm not sure." Said Marissa, petting Tuberculosis. "She was on the phone with someone and they made her cry."
"So what happened earlier, with the doctor?" Jemma interrupted.
"We got in an argument and he threatened me." I explained. "I just told him that I wanted to go home and he said I can't, but I feel fine, really."
Jemma put her origami flower made from straw wrappers on the table. "V, you tried to kill yourself. You can't go home."
I sighed. Here we go. "Once again, I ALMOST tried, but I DIDN'T. That's the point."
Everett chimed in. "I-I-I agree." He stuttered, rubbing his chest. "You need to be here till you recover just like me."
"Recover from what? Aliens?" I snapped. Marissa gasped.
"They are real! I promise you!" He stood up and yelled.
"Violet, you belong here." Jemma repeated. "Besides, is it that bad being locked up in here with us?" Her eyes filled with tears.
"I don't know" My eyes focused on my tray of unsatisfying food. "I just don't feel sick anymore. That incident was just a slip-up." I looked over a September for approval but he kept is face directed at the ceiling as if he was counting tiles. Jemma began sobbing. "Jem, I'm not rejecting you. I just want my bed back."
"You're rejecting all of us!" She covered her face. "Maybe you should sit somewhere else."
I hid my pain and silently got up and looked for an empty seat. The only option was by Victoria. She was sitting all by herself practically hyperventilating. I walked over and placed my tray on the table. The atmosphere around her filled with sadness. "Whats wrong?" I asked, taking a seat.
"My husband is leaving me!" She cried out, coving her face with a tissue. I felt so sad for her.
"Can I help at all?" I asked.
"Just talk to me. Nobody here talks to me." she responded.
"How long have you been here?"
"Two weeks and four days. I leave tomorrow. I was so excited but now I have a broken family..." She mumbled.
"Listen, dear," Maybe I can be comforting. "It's gonna get better. You and your husband can work things out... and if you don't, then you'll find somebody way better." I looked deep into her eyes, waiting for a sign that I'm actually breaking through her sadness.
"He said he's leaving because I'm too crazy." She sighed.
I paid close attention to her appearance. Flora shirt, leather jacket, and skinny jeans. Long, flowing brown hair. Deep brown eyes. Lovely full lips. "Well, I think that you're super fabulous and he's just jealous because you're prettier than him!" I smiled.
She laughed and wiped her tears. "I have schizophrenia, but I swear I won't stab you!" She laughed again. "All the stereotypes are so ridiculous. He said he doesn't feel safe around me. He's known about this for years. I'm only in here for psychosis."
"Honey, you are perfectly normal to me. You and him will work it out. He's just scared." I assured.
Thankfully, I got her to feel better. We continued talking for the rest of dinner. She showed me her awesome tattoos that covered that arms beneath her jacket. Koi fish, butterflies, and a hot air balloon. She called them her "everyday accessories", she even had a flower on her elbow and I can only imagine how bad that hurt. She told me all they stories. The koi fish were her children, colored in their birthstone colors. She's actually obsessed with koi fish and has a pond at home. The butterflies represented her battle with self-harm. The colorful hot air balloon was owned by her father, who took her flying every Sunday after church and the flower, well she just liked it. I loved her stories. All of them. How she fell in a pool during her wedding ceremony and how her youngest daughter was obsessed with dinosaurs. She has eight cats and his son calls every single one of them Snowball. I could never imagine owning eight cats. It was so nice to feel like I accomplished something. I made someone who was broken, smile. I felt useful.
Soon enough, evening group rolled around. My friends still wouldn't let me sit with them.
"Okay, guys!" The therapist called out. "Today we are going to learn different forms of meditation and ways to let go of our problems and stay in the moment! Mindfulness!
It was time for meditation. We all moved to the floor and sat cross-legged. "Gently close your eyes!" The therapist said in a soothing voice. Take a deep breath in and breath out. Imagine your problems and negative energy flowing outward with each breath and let it those problems float all the way up into the sky. I peeked one eye open to look at the patients around me. It was silent and peaceful. "Now, slowly smile and hold that smile till it feels real." I regathered myself and tried again, letting my thoughts float away from me. It was working. "Imagine you've made it to the very top of a mountain. The air is fresh, the wind is blowing, and you are free." I felt free. I felt free to be whoever I am and smile about it. "What's your biggest problem right now? Release it to the sky to find your answers." The soy sauce! I thought to myself. That's how I can fix this! I got a plan! And for a moment, my smile was real.
After group, it seemed like everybody felt calm and collected, but that didn't mean anybody was talking to me. I spend the rest of the evening sitting outside, meditating. I loved it. This place is actually helping me. I breathed in. I do belong here. I breathed out. I'm healing.
ns3.15.151.234da2
and then Add to home screen.