Smoky room, with a touch of wine, Alisa smiled a not so genuine smile, politely averting people from hitting on her, letting the nicotine flow through her mind.
That's how she'd gone through the past few years, relying on the numbness of getting wasted, to forget about her own insecurities, to forget her pain, and to forget about the love of her life— Ethan.
"Alisa! You're on!" With a high pitched call from DJ, she finished her train of thought and the bourbon she had in her hand with a gulp. She gave those men a wink and a nod, hook up the denim jacket she left on the stool next to her, and trot towards the stage.
When everything was in place, she grabbed the guitar next to her, took a sip from a bottle, "Back To December," she raised the bottle, "to the regretful and pettiful times. Then, she began to sing, her voice was deep, but sounded light, like a second was there, then the next she's in her own world, brought back in time into her memories, by the song, by the melodies.
When the background music started to play, She said quietly, "This song's for you". Letting the visions of the past flow past her mind, making the promise to herself of having this last song as her official goodbye.
——————
She thought back to the start, bringing a smile to her face.
*
I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while.
*
It was all before their friendship started to change.
They were childhood friends, living just next door. She was close with his family, basically going over nearly every weekend. It stayed that way even when they started dating for a full nine years after middle school. Everyone thought they would grow up together, eventually getting married after they both graduated from college. Obviously though, it didn't last.
*
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
You're guard is up and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die
*
It was not until a few years after their college graduation did their relationship start to fall apart. They fought over literally everything, from the tiniest things of
what to eat, to the largest things of planning their future. It was falling apart piece by piece, and both of them knew it deep inside. Not wanting to believe it, they still acted like they knew nothing, until the day the facade couldn't be kept up anymore. She screamed, she cried, blaming him for everything and left. Shutting every word he uttered out of her mind, he tried to calm her down but to no avail, till the little glint of hope in his eyes turned into dread.
Her brows knitted, thinking back to the micro changes in his features. She had known that she had done something very bad back then, but she couldn't possibly pull down her face to apologize, so she left on that note, making the regret linger on between them forever after that.
*
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying "I'm sorry for that night"
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
*
As the song went through the chorus, the bitter smile returned to her face. How she wanted to apologize for the harsh words she said! Helplessly, she might never get the chance.
*
These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'
When your birthdays passed and I didn't call
*
She could always remember the first birthday she ever celebrated. Birthed into a family that doesn't see importance in any special dates, never once did she get a chance to celebrate her birthday. Until the time in middle school, when the jealousy in her eyes was noticed by him. She took her to the beach on her birthdays that year, promising in the flickering candlelight that he would definitely be there through each of her birthdays.
*
And I think about the summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized that I loved you in the fall
*
They were on a road trip at that time, going all across the country. She was saying a joke back then, loving the dimple that would appear on the side of his cheek every time he smiled. Watching the green leaves rustling, that's the first time she ever brought up the conversation about their future. He seemed uneasy, she understood though, cause they were only 22. After all, they had just graduated and had just stepped into society. She didn't want to rush things, at least that wasn't her intention at first, but after seeing his uneasiness she suddenly got a sinking feeling in her stomach that this isn't going to last, she let it slide then, but as time passed the insecurities started to sprout.
*
And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love
And all I gave you was, "Goodbye"
*
That day of the breakup was just as usual as any other day. Waking up in his arms, feeling the warmth against the cold in his embrace, and getting a good morning kiss on the cheek. But everything took a turn when her mother called to check in with her, pushing her to give out a wedding date. They were engaged then, but no sign ever showed that they were planning to be wedded. She told her mother the truth, but apparently her mother wasn't happy with the answer.
Being the strict mother she had gotten used to since growing up, so was she used to the harsh words her mother used. She told her that she respects the decision Ethan makes, and they do have everything planned out, but her mother didn't buy it. So she started getting frustrated, but before she could fire back at her, her mother hung up the phone. Then the worst thing she regretted happened, she turned her anger towards him. Yelling that it's all his fault not wanting to get married. He could tell that she didn't mean the words she said, so he tried talking some sense into her. But obviously, it didn't work out. It was just an instinct of a feeling that everything is never going back, that everything is finally coming to an end. She left on that note, grabbing nothing but her purse, then went out the door.
*
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying "I'm sorry for that night"
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
*
How she wished to go back in time, to that December night. Then she could tell herself to calm down, to just act like everything is alright as usual.
*
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
*
The time in fall was where their relationship took its peak, and also when it started to fall apart. One night off from work, she wasn't in a high mood, being the strong woman she was, she couldn't accept herself making any mistakes. She was proud of her ability. Therefore when she made a fatal mistake in a project she's been devoting all her efforts in, she simply couldn't take it. That September night, before everything started falling apart, he held her in his arms, comforting her. Hearing the soothing voice he has, the strong wall she always held up broke down. She cried, letting all the frustration out, getting all the comfort she could have from his embrace. Every second of that night, she always had the feeling that they went back in time to when they could see each other's emotions, when they knew each other best.
*
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I'd swear love you right
I'd go back in time to change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door I understand
*
The smile the last memory brought to her face started to fade, as she recalled the time she asked him to meet up after the break up. She wanted to apologize, but he acted like nothing ever happened, like they had always been just friends, and had never been anything more than that. She understood, after all, it had been her own fault to let him go.
*
But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry
for that night"
And I'd go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but
missing you
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you
were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and
make it all right
I'd go back to December, turn around
And change my own mind
I go back to December all the time
All the time
*
As the last note strung, she lowered her head. Letting a silent tear roll down her cheek. Her days haven't been good since the breakup, her work was messed up, and all she could do was try to release some pressure by performing here. So she thought that maybe by performing the song that matched her feelings could give her some comfort. It did work a bit, at least she could feel a part of her letting all those years go, the years of her youth, the years of a young woman dedicated her heart to a man she would always love. She knew she would move on as the time passed, but she also knew that she would never love someone as much anymore.
"We all have our one and only, so to those who still have them— hold them tight." She let out a light chuckle, one that made what she said sound like a joke. But only she knew deep inside, that the laugh was a mock, to herself and to those that would never get a second chance.
She looked up towards the audience and unintentionally looked towards the booth they had used to sit every time they came to the bar. There sat a man in a hoodie and wearing a cap covering his face. Despite the facade, she knew it was him. Then, the second the urge to call him emerged, he turned to face her. She couldn't tell what expression he had on his face from the distance of the stage, but she saw him raise his glass of whisky in a cheers gesture. A broken smile found a ways to her face, as she raise her bottle of beer in the same direction and saying out loud—
"Cheers"
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.I left as an open ending (kind of?), so the rest is all to your imaginations : )
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