I think that's been part of my issue for a long time now.
I look to these things...people, new possessions, vacations, etc...as my happiness. Something that will make me ultimately happy, but in all reality they won't.
But something will. Something that I don't understand, and that makes me uncomfortable.
I grew up in church. My mom married a preacher when I was 11. In middle school I was called the "bible freak" because it was my choice of book whenever we were told to read. My family thinks my relationship with God is great.
It's not and I know it, which makes things so much worse. And honestly, I have no idea how to make it right.
I've got to where I think God is someone with a big stick who thumps you on your head when you do the slightest thing wrong. You'll hear me say he's hypocritical. I do things I know are wrong, but I want to, so I still do.
Thats not the me I "strive" to be, and that's sure not God.
I recently realized that my bad attitude about life isn't helping anyone, especially not me. And all these things I relied on for happiness, they're stupid and worldly.
If I, if anyone wants to be truly happy...happiness that won't change through the seasons, through the ups and downs in life...there's only one way.
That way is God. And I haven't chosen that way, because I can't understand God. I can't just call him up, or turn him on when I want him, or travel to him...
I can't control him.
Its not that I can completely control all these worldly things that I rely on for my temporary happiness, but I can in some ways.
But not God. Not at all. And I don't like that.
So I ignore him and say I'll catch up with him later. But in the back of my mind, I know there may not be a later...but for some reason that doesn't change my attitude towards him.
I still pray and I still believe he exists, but I don't rely on him. I don't look to him to complete me.
He is the creator of the universe, of everything. He has the power to change anything. He can move a mountain, he can make the sun black with just a snap of his finger. He can stop the waves in the ocean.
And...I don't rely on him. I doubt him. I question him. I don't trust him. 1009Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvBzPcsfRe
Call me crazy. Call us, humankind, crazy. We don't trust what created us, what cares for us, what loves us...we claim it doesn't exist at the slightest doubt, yet God still holds up his end. He still offers us eternal life. He still forgives us.
It's human to doubt, it's human to question and not rely on God. We're all faulty for this.
But it's dumb for me to sit around and complain about my lack of happiness, my lack of contentment, my sadness...and know that there's a way to change it and not change it.
So I guess despite my doubt, not being able to completely understand and control God, and despite my lack of trust at times...I will give God a shot. I will see if relying on him makes me a happier person. And I think it will.
I'm pushing people away from God by not being happy...by not being his happy.
Its time to trust something bigger than me, something that cares deeply for me, something that forgives me despite me messing up...willingly. It's time to become the Christian I strive to be.
© Madison B Barrett
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