下班回家，淋浴。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYPtfh8QPwH
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGp1VmYHC2h
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nQ1vTO6rc
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAJQIOtkQr
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ZwLsDuhao
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwqT4M8Ebgi
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkq4Ug4kw3i
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkz5WwNV1h
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGIzjLgSe7
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvZPl67YTW
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6DVlEDCf1
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrmrt2Zszb
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwuJ3IA1unV
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpoA9wnAuPT
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqRy7nMmV7K
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHZmor821A
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnm4ES5Q0U
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0hHNc15uG
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69iUpbC1Wb
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEH4I64w9k
啪——啪——876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZws5wDyiOn
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhb3xm86Sr
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXcrpyLNCwo
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMbbZOuyFP
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1ogpzl6LV
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOhRSM1QqW
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNfOEv3nDA
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcWb0d1B8P
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3oU6tmNW4W
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhk72749QC
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0FYjOM4vQc
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcdLiEq4zc
算了吧。沒所謂。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHWm7sr8Q8
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFaFrg7m0oe
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6cPB216Vu2
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMcL6o3DLe
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOLoMuwhtiL
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrnVn9RMdg
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDcel2R5jWp
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYifunQSHtW
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kX36AHAuh
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujJkoEs5OZ
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCcixjUYgN
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBUaST587u
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUd66T13qGj
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbywVGmkIx
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqJC1CZnBc
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAUPI2dARYK
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xrZ14l9Jp
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqeF36PpGQq
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuIdyoIGEIm
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUr1Rt8iQr
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGC8bOJfaYi
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcR9J54xqBE
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXN3bXcOpg
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1MiKE0NluL
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WZzdbI7fn
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1quL0Wkqf
我頭也不回開門離家。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0SyhqQii2
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIOJMiaucvZ
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHVQyfV89i
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡex8vwxRwQH
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNj61rHLTd
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcH7jROJgi
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0n0brCor41
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9rkVJOSVR
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ATeuY98Cw
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxjGBkABn0
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZGqy7GuvH
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrpO99H1L6
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcdyaYnVwWZ
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXwCEA3Her
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65rkDIr1d8
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5hpAn1dsa
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgoZLp9fcxe
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rnVijSa7p
「你不開心？」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPZ3pBJPVK
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5DSO6n4I3
「是的。但與你無關。」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZepV5d28m
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Mvo2uq7cV
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQmBgOHneu
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukgRRq8yBY
「還有菸嗎？」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7FvL2iVOx
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7iDA4ouJ5I
「有。」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoOHa10idVX
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNT5wNNgYMa
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJd1a1Mz00
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJXavT1Wn6
「俊仔還好嗎？」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYpbaYP6pj
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwLQC7fuF7u
「與你無關。」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3TZ3y7ucoh
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXa4anHIwPV
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8qzVUhj9U
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTqvJIpDbx
我幽幽一笑。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBCnzHrVXr
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHclxdnNNxr
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgfwMQ3zHYn
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ461HaZJDHB
「多少？我付！」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NGQC9nbJH
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYhQvdVik4
「五萬七千五百元。」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwj4TsVwx2S
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzogOWpv5x8
「好！沒問題！小意思！」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtxGWFEtBE
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6zojVuIWc7
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCJAwWkZf1
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2HQR5A0OPS
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrRZPV4Zhl
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSHg8Gjv4t
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9c0itcphPI
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡismTtIFt1s
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhWKff5ZyD1
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rBpZUTMdc
「阿顧，對不起。」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7ztOojwwY
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4k1GTs3v7
「道歉有屁用！」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXnZcSsHMZ
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Gb1qFyky1
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaOszjXYou
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb7HFSXV7UH
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBGGLNQzovm
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0wMMATcFt
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKH7rcotpwt
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlX5tuw4tpL
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPWq5S3Rzq
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOaVZK3LitB
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98uC5hBR4b
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrECP4LDh83
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32IrTAW4Ir
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoL0Ka5dyTp
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmGDjRRnIu
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5mtyWZI7y
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrgXVRyOAz
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiYvO3JctNm
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZnmoFua5I
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcbgjcqOb0s
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8KdZlWEIxF
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNpHHzD67F5
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZTt0nUWyd
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡji0OzrF2T0
我活該……我活該……我活該……876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZiEyAahdL
876Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdGJRKIh8pj
我如此催眠自己。
and then Add to home screen.