下班回家，淋浴。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOESthohqD
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7s0vDBRKs
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vQTPKv2rP
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUxaR6u1Elo
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOuwVE9kpK
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEOIDO2dfTO
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKwfeKiICuf
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwCrVyYX5xR
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZd8PAhmjNS
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBeNCMvltQ
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNd4SJ4ox6
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdDC31fgdgI
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNUd0H4WR7v
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtz6tZrCUSq
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlZaS5Kwl2
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yBjTpPDLD
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgi9AL1OiVU
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Y896mfqvG
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHWZjIvqniw
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKX9BQnd368
啪——啪——587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Tuzfm6tfP
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIA0GWNXfJt
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGFGcNGq5Q
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3iiPj4gcH
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTEzZmuzjF
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0gOGu43XG
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibFMcFM7fD
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTVPv3kjrq6
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJiRXkcQFW
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dgjasIck9
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRpYmPs379
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJGIE6nJ8L
算了吧。沒所謂。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0Q2G8usZ7
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYlqafYtlW
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTj4xajbBcl
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMeg0IBtR9
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM53XBztybU
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4KU9lFBKJq
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbLXDVP9307
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnI3SdOpG2
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAlLdJkNnX
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmm5xGrtNGR
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSAliKlost2
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBuG82gpOlp
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQrJGwvfgG
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebdXkpCAHd
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjOQvqswp9
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9i6dZl4xRz
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxctZfmoshB
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtLuKeemaX
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHCyIhjKiH
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITKAuSIbMK
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HNHxMrzXp
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXL0kpmX3Lr
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdR8Sl4A80
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGvpq1I42j8
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhoePW7EOpI
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoozcyB4GUq
我頭也不回開門離家。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1IujflQ2BB
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZF2cd8BxH3
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUsyztSDMf
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhfl8Otha3S
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvAtoOPO9Ay
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVXqwFvq5A2
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBmLxFIxX8s
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Ba49IzXsJ
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOItbUw7Dh
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKkFh0nZG3
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKPgOaw9K3r
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxf2Ux9Nga
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64svHphNDd
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTBZHYKOyf
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVUAm4dpapF
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuwm84JUUjf
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrBqA9IqZn
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwHVtAQkPq
「你不開心？」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnNXIwJSyen
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIiY1EnSaPT
「是的。但與你無關。」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqQ2Pxs4jX
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBhrmnvKHOF
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq21Mp6IKXX
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpsYkfAhaKf
「還有菸嗎？」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSP3njV3Apk
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbHm28Lm1f
「有。」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwvflZm4CgX
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjUCfs4kkf
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqH2ib4fW3f
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNknBPnL92
「俊仔還好嗎？」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5SjApqE37I
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjGWsvUlvpJ
「與你無關。」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFdnw5RVpup
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo9cr2l5RaM
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXxF26RJC9P
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJctrFCN0w
我幽幽一笑。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrumsb61DMm
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0624sixLKG
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5YS1GdH6uX
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGXwqtFBKS
「多少？我付！」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnn3q6T2PS
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡss6idBOWZ9
「五萬七千五百元。」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIldfsKtlz
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mxCZ0Yf07
「好！沒問題！小意思！」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPheKzZBU6a
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrcqvhRfOl
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6vzubuzFe
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrqTLc0snF
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRiDAljTGwL
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWZHgl8pho
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLYPDAjqL5
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqmJM62zka
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjc9rVzseXY
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8WIjWkIjL
「阿顧，對不起。」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaPTAwnE4ds
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2CLIe9Dwe
「道歉有屁用！」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDIe82Lkhm
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj48TpAfQuB
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvfJzjVdHy
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6TJBdgBN5x
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQU3SXThbo1
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1HCmUgayI
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3t0kfrDae
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXMdDx8NdO
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwNeojjJQDF
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpo6P12GALJ
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDYSqJOLYm
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVSQx9XNvE
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzKWa5Ph77
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqNvVNIpgo
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrI6XT3kaVG
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdC6E7wDce8
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp25vzNSRFy
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LvBrxYAjg
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOH8Ozzvd1W
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcCHWSJOgr
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ICPxh0Cwo
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWf9JvCftA
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYpWKwO7IE
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVOkj9WIqX7
我活該……我活該……我活該……587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgcB4LxSgEH
587Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSEwxrRNQCA
我如此催眠自己。
然後按「加至主畫面」