下班回家，淋浴。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyC4ndCcPu
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcoEUG0lY0
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlppftVaD5D
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMohk3Eo7h
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3TbuZgPD4
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSYVNhKMW5D
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGpsvrDp6v
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡud2H23h2Yr
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrpvWVV4rA
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4uhXjvnl5v
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIQwuaksdX
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnkZZf4xng
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBisYN2zdVs
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTi1U11z89
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiLvADS4H7v
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUYnDlKmdb
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGgrHNC3u0
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwi2ntk5Vqq
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5in12MtwB4
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrelMFKz9mt
啪——啪——831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfE5PojGLzY
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PJYlerhE5
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJjNAmo0A2
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdi8DwhUYZ
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6emdiyTNMk
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYco2vhwTH
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFEdzPwFkZd
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHlrmSvKj4A
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjHmaKGDBV
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUY3COyoZER
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYiWUHPjn0P
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3Ni2Kn0nD
算了吧。沒所謂。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRi9WxjMGN
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvOypeH96Li
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpFEMUx1Ih
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjGHU7HxjK
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtAPirUkQZi
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtcs1ILTNg
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVw6DnJBCuB
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW3ppTxwlBj
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVR3OlXwe20
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79icOIX8H2
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcqeACG0zb
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzEZZ4mrEGc
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHZPwostFe
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡscSs5ihjS0
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNKiTeFcDj
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWmGyJsF3e
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2VtSV8I9Dr
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoIcPfownyt
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUWCVdbSru
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡERkXNkPlHy
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlzRcOMQSfp
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkDpw474eL
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRS4IJD4CY
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXG98kmcNZ
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnz3HDIe4jS
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHnwD7yxrA
我頭也不回開門離家。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGmyPi60P7
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyoRq9ZQ1xs
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDiVBagqdr
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WyDuAPRzn
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJdHVHrPKt
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcKpVQgoKS8
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4YsoihirI
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwGO5MpJAX2
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyscsLpSIPa
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJU0Od4R9Wp
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVC5Qsl5Su
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAlkGYaGRND
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo20FFmWI3H
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddcNJ0SvfW
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVk02Nphk5
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuXBP9Kf7Lf
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCsxEHbaZw
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzAhmFvrV4P
「你不開心？」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8Qzf1aO3j
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf7AJJ5q1KN
「是的。但與你無關。」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXLXa5XdpwB
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEI2XH84Qh2
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwNi0YWL8h
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoo4lSBdJB
「還有菸嗎？」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSeKsRfUgV6
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIuTRkPEtdT
「有。」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6YQmtkcNh
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK2hGdpZVhh
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUzp9nQIbY
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlc39mO2FFU
「俊仔還好嗎？」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fgxeH5d23
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jKgGIxQcV
「與你無關。」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPE779LAsWe
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LgYsgor32
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcX0WscfQq
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2YSiPR3f9
我幽幽一笑。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzQ7AN3ptF
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhGyGuMhiu
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxkR8QQyZ3
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0NLI4aU6k
「多少？我付！」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFlxObaZkp
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNLfUcClv2
「五萬七千五百元。」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8KLh0unpPC
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPkXWXregT
「好！沒問題！小意思！」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvdK9nfSjD
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWwiSBQLCc
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA5hKxG9HJX
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSGxLodlJd
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1hcCmh8Su
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjrw5WNXpQ
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVmyeTDDJlK
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPn15YZvVQl
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXfTqAV8El
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH40xlHXS3N
「阿顧，對不起。」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSPRHrgQfMQ
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5cR85uKB0
「道歉有屁用！」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9aXYRqz9XB
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJPC08hHZl
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpWddAp65x
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzx4d8lYr3v
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGZcKByXLJ
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8Pp44w3VL
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dA5cInEwp
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxzmlR0wey5
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS6HL9GOpwj
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodKusJSlLm
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBsL9n0dOAz
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLYdTufUII
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo3T6LcyhNf
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigDAoSf066
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXXUFKt8cw
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFFa8rYeS2
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8uYiTW01C2
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7R55y6AQrK
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHxpoExcCo
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡehAnNQ8SXB
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4l4kTAr3Np
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqMZ1WpwEaq
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9IiPMwDLO
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2VNDSoNiE
我活該……我活該……我活該……831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMNELOxiPXO
831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9EMy7oHifN
我如此催眠自己。
and then Add to home screen.