Out of the mouths of babes comes truth. Or so they say. 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIn6CPN5hp
Thaddeus Gubbyns had always been painfully honest since he was a little shit. That kind of honesty that people want to smack him. Others simply called him an asshole and left it at that.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthNXRZKCm7
He spent his days doing what he loved most: telling people the truth, and calling things what they were: 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdIfmGszC2k
“Mother, you're already fat enough. You really don't need that second piece of mutton.”30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTYA0saqMt
“Father's drinking again to drown his sorrows, because he can't handle his own emotions."
You see, Thaddeus wasn’t just into “telling it like it is.” He had this annoying habit (and I wanna admit, it was also a rare gift) of seeing through everyones bullshit and blurting it out loud. Mostly because no one else did or dared to. He always said "but I'm just being honest" and took it as a freepass to point out uncomfortable truths, lies and even questioning the status quo at times.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJzXIXUSIm
Even if it pissed people off.
One day, Thaddeus became utterly convinced he’d been personally chosen by the mighty gods of poetry. He shared this revelation generously with anyone who didn’t manage to avoid him in time.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6bavGbbFx
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According to him, his vocation had come in a vision when he was a sixteen year old; a boy with long greasy hair, with the face of a youngling but covered in oil and acne:30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡphMXT0rQ0m
while sitting on the shithouse during a thunderstorm, a lightning bolt nearly missed him and shattered the privy into splinters while he just sat there, pants down, just doing his business. He lost consciousness as the outhouse collapsed around him. Everything went black at first. But then he saw a light that became brighter and brighter and then like in a wild feverdream, he saw fast paced images of a flaming goat running through a lush green field, a glowing lute in the skies spinning violently accompanied by a choir of monks chanting incomprehensible latin verses but in that moment, Thaddeus just KNEW what they meant.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfSMqwzu6G3
An hour later he woke up, shocked and confused, he stumbled into the stable, dazed, barefoot and probably still steaming, where the goat Hildegard gave him a long, eerie stare while she leisurely chewed on some hay.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirt0ngTHoG
That, apparently, was the sign. At least, that’s how he chose to read it.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpowwuTJ9b
To bring joy with the truth and a lyre to the people as a kind of angelic minstrel. 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoK4yKJ8Qeo
“Say no more,” he muttered to the confused goat, then passed out into the manure and bought a lyre the next day with zero musical skills.
Unfortunately, his songs closely resembled what most would call poetic diarrhea.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyUKiUJ0zj
His rhymes stumbled like a drunk knight falling down a long spiral staircase, his un-melodies never fit the sound of his voice, and yet Thaddeus beamed with purpose; much to the suffering of those around him.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQNaKaMOqI
For in his heart pulsed a divine mission: to speak the truth. Uninvited, unapologetically and loud. And always with the lyre.
His songs became infamous rather quickly, despite their dreadful quality.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPP9fM81npt
All of Dullmere was soon whispering about the slanderous ballad of Myrtle the baker, whose already odd reputation was now officially sealed as that of a witch.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwAH4HEhQ2u
Rumors said she danced naked on Broxenhill during full moons, whispered in tongues into her dough, and occasionally added "ingredients" to her bread that caused hallucinations. She sold them only to those who specifically asked for it if they were "in the know". And Thaddeus, eternal lover of truth that he was, decided to investigate by observing her through the bakery window at night.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wdymcwZ2x
The next day he rhymed: 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7PR7lcADP
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"Money I gave to thee30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwULzzphS6h
Bread you gave to me30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuZvHUkzDd1
Later I hugged a tree30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUXVhyoQFN0
And then I spoke to a bumblebee30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1bCvFT9Vh
Visions flickered before my eyes30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqIBMQuqcH
The mayor turned into a chicken in disguise"
Myrtle was burned the next day.
He also rhymed about other things:30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKYsTb7qGpA
About the mayor’s incestuous family line when he married his first cousin once removed, though that, of course, "was an official misunderstanding."30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hWpE9AtrO
Or the bride who claimed to be a virgin, at a wedding Thaddeus invited himself to, where he declared:
“The veil upon your head, so pure and white30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHitZmFvNT
but under your gown, not quite so tight.”
The next day after that performance, Thaddeus was exiled from Dullmere.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WXsfoWHgN
They sat him backwards on a donkey and sent him away with a sign around his neck that read: “Banished from Dullmere".
Thaddeus took it as a badge of honor, if people got mad, he had done something right, right? 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGb2pw650MY
“Hear me, you dull-witted crowd,” he shouted to the angry villagers, “truth only stinks to those who never wash!”
Three rotten eggs, two moldy tomatoes, and a surprisingly heavy brick later thrown by the mayor himself, his wandering began. And with it: the mission to enlighten the world with truth and music; whether it liked it or not.
Over the following weeks, Thaddeus passed through five villages.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuE8C8OBrX9
In every single one, he was once again chased out with rotten eggs and vegetables.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoobBynjbTZ
His songs bore titles such as:
- “Beth’s Cucumber Ritual”: was banned in three villages. No one ever ate cucumber salad again. Ever.
- “The Maid with the Fishy Scent”: she sold trout by day and claimed virtue by night. A few bachelors nodded knowingly, the maid fled the village in tears.
- “In Manure but Never Alone. Memoirs of a Stableboy”: a long instrumental ballad, featuring unsettling animal sounds imitated by Thaddeus himself. Every stableboy in the village was suddenly side-eyed.
Even in a particularly remote women’s convent, he was beaten out of the chapel after just two verses, with a crutch from the abbess. 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjX5FuSPZL
“The Nun and the Novice” was apparently not an appropriate opening number.
But Thaddeus didn’t give up. “The divine truth,” he said, while tending to his wounds, “demands sacrifices.”
One day, he arrived in the city of Muzzlehaven.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡauSxmUBN5f
The name said it all: speaking required a license, and singing was strictly forbidden.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJzlWCaclb
The first offense meant a slap. Hard in the face.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQdY0EzWF0
The second: a stay in the silent dungeon for 2 weeks.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknHbbVWl64
The third: death by hanging.
Thaddeus knew that. But either way, on that beautiful day he stepped confidently into the market square, tuned his lyre (or pretended to), and began:
“In Muzzlehaven no one speaks30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHvkreAe47
for silence is what power seeks30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJupAGv4J9
Take heed for the day I sing30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukiqahThWx
truth flies like an arrow’s sting!”
He didn’t get past the second verse. A militia of patrolling silence-guards dragged him away as he loudly protested.
The king of Muzzlehaven, a gaunt and serious man, hadn’t heard open defiance in years. Not surprising, considering everyone kept their mouths shut in fear.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbktMuqxzWt
Nonetheless, he was impressed by this small man with too much confidence.
When Thaddeus, from his cell, performed a mocking ballad about the royal bald spot, “Fields of Drought”, the king stopped and listened with furrowed brows. Then when the song ended he looked at Thaddeus with his piercing, way too serious stare. And then, suddenly, he laughed. Loudly. For quite some time.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbcHFYPtjz
Then he shouted, “Bring me this lunatic!”
Just minutes later, Thaddeus stood before the throne. The king examined him like an exotic animal, one eyebrow slightly raised: 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDuRAzZzlmU
“No one dares tell me the truth. Except you.", he started with a serious tone, almost accusatory, "and only because you can’t help yourself. But how do you always know what’s true?” He leaned forward, his eyes sharp like an eagle, judging, never smiling.
Thaddeus gave a small bow: “The truth is, my king, I don’t know. But I seem to notice what others ignore, simply because I never learned how to lie politely. I seem to notice the things people like to cover with parfume and manners. I'm not a cruel man but I'm also not a liar. I simply do not understand the concept of lying since I was born." 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjWiQB8oK5
The king thought for a moment. Then raised his hand.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcuB3nEfwP
“Very well then. You alone may speak the truth. Therefore, from now on, I name you as my jester of the court.”
Thaddeus fell to his knees: “I thank you, noble king! I swear to never lie and to always rhyme!” Thaddeus remained kneeling, as if he had just been gloriously knighted rather than legally permitted to irritate everyone for a living.
As the official jester, Thaddeus was allowed to say anything, as long as it rhymed and reflected the truth. He finally got a look that fit him well: a colorful jester hat with bells, even on his shoes. And with him: always his trusted lyre.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa6jq5miqTU
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Within a few weeks, he had uncovered five court conspiracies, how the royal wizard has been selling illegal mushrooms on the side that made you see gods or talking to flaming goats, depending on the dosage, and he made the royal cook cry. Several times. 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpeM8jfXDK
(To be fair, the stew really was too salty, just nobody had the heart to tell her).
The people began to quietly celebrate him. Children repeated his obscene rhymes to the displease of their parents.30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSm169wjIjP
Now as his official status as the minstrel jester of the court, his songs became the conscience of the people; unasked for but utterly necessary. 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJnXgriZv4
He wrote history as Thaddeus, Divine Fool with a lyre. And more than often, the wisest person in the room.
At the end, after a celebration, during a grand feast, he stood on the table, plunked his lyre and proclaimed:
"Simple jester that I am 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEuStNAj3qy
my words powerful like a ram 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcaAR21FivD
If you fear the truth you're not bright30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡziHEMvT0ac
I bring your dark secrets into the light!"
The crowd cheered and raised their glasses. The king nodded quietly with satisfaction and raised his glass in the name of Thaddeus the Divine Fool. 30Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQ71eIvwXj
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And somewhere, in a random stable of Muzzlehaven, a goat bleated peacefully.
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