BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT

Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.

I love animals.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8Yi4wOXq1
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtt42JagxcT
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaYLtr7QfJ
And sometimes, it screams.

I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBDTwIygfld
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.

It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Ilg9n8LgC
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCCBcP48Ba
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyxoKqEPJe
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.

For one year, I rotted quietly.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkRXEWpyZn
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nAHYrHAek
I left home the next day.

I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPW3eyPhUG
I tried to die seven times.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIWz9taSrA
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCysLPlFi4O
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpIBhv6X7kt
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.

Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2oInNiuzxq
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9a4APz7Jyc
So I asked for help.

The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwLwxXv2BeV
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHP5gwE4OVm
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMmONUCf7F
Still breathing.Still afraid.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNc4Ry4kz55
Still me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgfLxeFivk
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtRamuS13U
Not today.Not again.

[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]

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She talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUclECLtJJe

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BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT

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