Tragedy can come from a myriad of sources. There's fate, doom written in one's DNA. The curse of a body beyond medical miracles, forced to be kept functional with pills or inhalers, organs failing at their duties. There's the tragedy of trauma that didn't have to be, of a child failed by their caretakers, or involved in action no child has the capacity to comprehend the consequences. I was once a child. The memories of tragedy from that childhood have numerous forms, from the hospital stays, medications taken and failed efforts to wean my body off of them, to failed friendships, the tragedy of social skills taught but never taught well enough to truly stick as lessons.
Tragedies in childhood are ones that linger, sticking around for longer than the trials and tribulations of adulthood, if for no reason other than they were the first times one experienced said tragic occurrences, so the emotions were more intense. The emotions were more intense because loathe as I am to admit it, I no longer qualify as a child in any sense of the word. Perhaps that is the true tragedy of my life, that although I plead for my parents to continue helping me, they have no obligation to. They have no reason to enable me to live my life avoiding dishwashers, except that my sensory issues make doing the dishes difficult and my parents love me so they're willing to help. But I am chronologically not a child anymore, and that is the tragedy all people who live long enough eventually must cope with.
My grandparents have been dying, and now only one remains. If I was a better person, I'd be mourning, but I'm the tragedy, a failure at love, at being a family member. Not that I alone can be fully blamed. My parents didn't raise us to be close to their parents, what with living in different regions of the country. Still, I can't grieve someone i barely knew when he was alive, so I'm more sad for my mom who lost her father. What my grandparents' death has brought up is the fact that eventually my parents too will die. So far, I don't have anyone to replace their importance in my life. Of course, twenty four is still young, but plenty of people my age have been in long term romances. I haven't, but in theory I could have, had I not been busy fighting other demons during university. University is over now. If I tried, I could probably find someone to fall in love with, but I don't see the point in trying just to try.
If it's meant to be, ideally I won't have to put effort into it. Love. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that as an excuse not to try because I struggle maintaining platonic relationships and cannot fathom romance being any easier. When I didn't live with my parents I didn't miss them all that often either. Autism linguistically meant in one's own world, I think, and that's a somewhat accurate descriptor. Even if I want to share my life with people, I find the activity of doing so difficult.There's just so much effort involved in creating a life, and yet in fiction people's connections occur seamlessly. Everyone who works together has to work together, not divided into individual offices, not ensconced in busywork or unable to remember their coworker's names. I can never remember my coworkers' names, or come up with excuses to interact with them. Interact with anyone, really.
Isolation is so easy, I can fall into it unthinkingly, only aware after work when my parents ask me how my boss is doing that whoops, I didn't actually interact with her all day. Whoops, I forgot how to be human. If I ever knew to begin with.
Writing this is making my entire life seem tragic. It's not. I fill my time with fiction, with fictional characters who have others embedded into their lives without trying, and writing about the ways relationships can fail and falter, the ways sometimes being alone can be the better option. I create scenarios where characters wish they were me, so I can feel better about the empty page of my life. Sometimes I consume my friends' fiction, forcing myself to connect via that medium so I don't find myself entirely adrift again. Maybe I'll read my friend's novel now.
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