The world lie still around me, almost as if it had slowed down just to watch me in this moment. I stood at the end of the drop, head resting down on my chin, just clicking my heels together and letting my tears fall as the sun threatened to rise with each passing hour. Every tear that fell mocked me, reminding me of the fall, reminding me of how much I wanted to take it. Cars sped past me on the bridge not minding my existence and allowing me to feel completely alone in this world. I wonder if they would have minded if I had decided to take the fall. 963Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKMdAcTTvg
This was a battle that had been saved for me, all of these years, to test my character. This was the point in the game where my choices finally mattered, where I had control of my sink or swim. The stark hesitation and indecision or the first vital moments kept me from immediately taking action to sink, and so there I was. I wasn't yet swimming, but I was, for that moment, afloat. I was afloat, listening to the pounding of the water against my ears that forced me to actually think. As I learned, thinking has consequences. As I also learned, sometimes consequences can be a positive thing. 963Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBD0sSV2vEM
The subtle overtones of emerging daylight pursued my attention. The rising sun kept rising, and in its' rising, it kept forcing me to speed up my thoughts so that I could make haste for my fate. I admit, in this moment, there was not a singular other thing in the world that overpowered my feeling of indescribable want. I wanted, I wanted so badly, to simply swing my arms and fly into a soft and carefree sleep as sounds of motors buzzed through my ears. But the sun kept rising, and the tears kept falling, and my breath hitched and my arms stopped and my body froze and my mind raced and I couldn't. It's always in the final moments when the real sink or swim sets in, and I found myself hysterically pushing my dying body away from the ledge of the bridge, frantically grasping to any solid ground that would ensure my life. I found myself in the lowest, most pathetic position I had ever found myself in the short teenage life. I found myself gripping the cold, dirty ground of the Brooklyn morning, painfully crying myself back to life in a body and a world that I so wanted to leave behind.
To be or not to be? I chose to be today. But, perhaps more importantly, I chose to be me. I chose to open myself to the me that I hadn't allowed myself to view. I allowed myself to throw away indecision, because if I was that close to my end, I may as well take my life by the reigns with nothing to lose. And granted, in those last final moments of my impending death, I felt the most alive I had ever felt in my life. The adrenaline pumping deep through my nervous system, the wind whipping at my waist-length hair that I detested so, I felt alive. I wanted to preserve that feeling. This was my life.
I dragged myself home, my feeble legs flying past the Brooklyn street corners, a smile playing on the ends of my tear stained cheeks. In the early witching hours of the morning, where so few were amongst me in the city, I began to gain a sense of self-empowerment, I began to catch my breath. The cold, empty feeling in my veins washed away, bleeding out the bad blood, and filling it with warmth and speed and determination. I laughed, gaining an odd look from some ongoing passerby, but I heeding no one's criticism. Lord knows I had been heeding them for too long.
I climbed through my bedroom window, locking it with a satisfying snap and rushing to my mirror. I stared at my reflection for a long time, a deep-set loathing for the person in the mirror. Long, flowing hair, grace-like beauty in my sleek arms, winged eyeliner bringing out the golden specks in my eyes. I was swam-like. Tall and thin, the epitome of female beauty. Pretty. Feminine. Girlish. Those words made me shiver, the mirror made me shudder. I hated it. 963Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2dvb5N1OB
I took off my clothes, swapping them for boot-cut jeans and a loose T-shirt that made my shoulders look broad. I took off my makeup, letting my nose be wide and my eyes be small, letting my lips be pale and my eyebrows unkempt. The hair between my fingertips was soft and thick, wavy and beautiful, but it wasn't me. I cut it off. I went slowly at first, but my movements soon became quick and choppy and powerful. I wanted it gone. It was keeping me from myself, it was the last barrier. I left some bangs so that I wouldn't look like a wreck and styled it a bit before brushing through it and throwing away the hair. 963Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1uUSQ8HYm
I looked in the mirror, I liked what I saw. I tip-toed slowly to my parents room, where I could hear my mother's 5:30 AM alarm going off. It was going to be a big day, for better or for worse. On this very day in my life, in the past few morning hours, I had experienced both the lowest and the highest moments of my life. I knocked on the door, slowly, quietly, and heard her sleepy footsteps approaching the hallway. I smiled, anxiously, awaiting the first day of the rest of my life.
Today, I was going to swim.
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