Perhaps it's karma. Yes, karma... that's it. Sometimes I wonder if it's a disease I carry with me, if it will always bite my heals, if I'll be damned as it's victim.
Karma, yes.... That's it.
It seems like such a long time ago. A wish on a whim, something only children fall for. And like a captivated child, I took it. I took it. A wish on a whim, a whim on a wish. I took it. There must be magic in it, something that defies the logic we ground ourselves to in this reality, and gravity has pulled me a step lower as punishment. Yes, karma... my punishment.
Good intentions perhaps? No, selfish ones. These dusty sheets, hard and uncomfortable, have made me realize that. I took it out of fear, out of cowardice, I couldn't trust him- I wouldn't trust him. I took it on a whim. A wish on a whim, like a storm below night skies, unseen and lingering, cold and thick. Cold and empty. Will that be how I die? Will I die with punishment beside me?
Unopened cards mock me at my bedside, unattended flowers and sinking balloons try to whisper, "You've lost." And I have. I am beaten and bruised, old and weary, tired and unfulfilled. Visitor after visitor, all taking their time from their day to sit with a selfish shadow of a man. A man I used to be. Now they have gone, and the clock ticks as if it's trying to remind me of every second. Every minute. Every hour. Tick. Tick. Tick. Is this punishment? My punishment.
I took it. On a whim. On a whim I thought I could wish it all away. Yes; yes the struggle of that day left, I can still taste the sweetness of relief in that moment. But a simple moment is not what I lived for. It's not what I was designed to desire. Tick. Tick. Tick. Every minute, every hour. Every single second. Tick. Tick. Tick. Had I known perfection was impossible to reach, had I known peace never lasted forever, had I known the second time I'd wallow and wade in the water it's be higher, then perhaps I would've leaned. I would've learned to face the struggle set in front of me.
But a wish on a whim, a whim on a wish, it took it all away from me in one fine swoop.
Yes, karma... my punishment.
This fire will always lick my heals.
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