My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyBsUBug3a
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqPKW9FHn6
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5H61TLS6f3
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHXBrG2nZl
Hmm... 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmgBx0RNERW
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvlHDekgit5
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJx9gDBPgR
"You can have have all the adult toys."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdXJrp0dSQp
Except for the pecker enhancer!535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYS6DCa1cb3
"That's all I need..."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipksV2U3AC
"Wait!"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSH2eapR79e
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVJUnV0LUS
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xNGigfA3X
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqIDBGO4o16
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYPWJ8rgQVH
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSr2xSBXv2r
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNyzqa4UDs
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefKlzg6Exh
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUuLANvld5t
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡne0UnTT2uk
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefYSmIrkKL
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSdOaJAn3c
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAZtzZ4pzjZ
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdfviETbpQ
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWjfnF87pS
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vGbUP3IJW
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxor5rpi265
(Sarah laughs)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWnwYaVzwzz
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoas3eBZDT3
"Gosh Darn!"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRo9bcTZa5J
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kcb4lvGXs
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwcDpBwHee
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmIVt0fB3b
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7QopDrsjr
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUSIJnrvvvX
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKHPf5tlTP
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcbnd9vSn5
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPlpaSuzbsm
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPijWkrkVF
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLzIBf5W0P
(Sarah says what)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkwdUjN3Zn
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR0LjJECWYd
(he laughs and Sarah winks)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLeFudvyZ7u
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡno98dgSTN8
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgV3ezU1XX
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXtgaIMvL2
(Keith laughs hard)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1CfNd9R6H1
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMnmsUuacgn
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEAF7oQeUs
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO8zVn4tRYi
Honey,535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4RTMClmRxQ
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtaZuYapFfw
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf53FA07lP8
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglhZfinqCW
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEIlnGAaiE4
Keith says,535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsV41WMCNZ
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdNZbSx9pZ
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41f9EKDtNB
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwjNi5wsih
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2L6VWjq4me
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9O18mAVUW
"Ground beef!"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyfDs8uMzH
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kaRaD3hhe
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4EKf7i08f
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIoaNgxOPaQ
Lawsuits.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8CNriLQkS
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdFjytmJYi
Keith's friends knew him as the 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROQMnFI7OC
Clown Jester of Bakersville.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcHFNwu1jP
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILM0KcZW2l
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXI5GBjcKOv
Because he was so outstanding in his field!535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9OV8NgbEU
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQmUzPtXUM
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnEgKLOOaMs
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCfTJOsHkU
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk27r19NOZj
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1tqS7zhBU
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBeTEocQrr
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwGiuNzOjqc
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpy2lUl5D9
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHp0eX1n2X
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkscWilgUN9
Having heard them all before, many times.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYqgXmnMfwo
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxjvwF5AEr
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ZUqCReYYz
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡisNAQk4s9Y
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9TefnRJNeV
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6EES6nHJ7
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7RFcaoDoQG
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1KGZxbBWqo
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfMiAxvSIM
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyopij9Ju3u
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67s48pU7Kb
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgNgjEkggJn
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7JTxmNKB3
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzRFNujPkEU
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsv3sFGhna
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMg1bLq6KJy
(audience chuckles)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZp1qvbNpW
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9QSuZf2Y9
I haven't heard from him since.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTWvVXeCci
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKVl9At7k2B
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44mS5ymQ4O
(audience laughing)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGwxAw8K2W
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRC2J4dZzLc
She still isn't talking to me.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFBiA8VPxA
(Keith smiles)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIc1GxhRuHJ
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ZJRsUKFIL
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rIlhPIhdQ
but I am on the fence!535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CBP2elfZB
(audience laughing hard)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlnz6VEs39c
[He gets on a roll]535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9PAwo3fsk
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbI3B1qgkaT
She gave me a hug!535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYuyiXdwzW
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckkh2CAsJW
Hey!535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQeQBuW0IEf
What is the worst combination of illnesses?535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCe9BhDa9R5
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7fYiL9UaF
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlu4MfY2ivf
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbAj3x7G2F
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ325CeSXhso
How do you get a squirrel to like you?535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNcZhzQUU0K
Act like a nut.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhQU1iygWw
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaAdmDLYsLg
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LkfthQzN2
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAekkKk0Q30
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3w3QxJIrC6
So I Left.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQ5QYfo5ml
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXx4D5yqfP
"The steaks were pretty high!"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bksehISAi
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6XVcI2wLo
Goodnight!"535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4b1BMXSwmS
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ19wbJhIJr
He went home happier535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSce24zPPEZ
than he ever
Dreamed!535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnjHRKnAI3
535Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSq5fvV6Qb
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.206da2
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