My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAb0bYQoNo0
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0IXsK0nh8
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ur0TaZm7p
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDl7uEOuyB
Hmm... 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa70gcImHw9
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIFcxDpav0E
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0LgoCGW0Eu
"You can have have all the adult toys."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWMB7cuKuyF
Except for the pecker enhancer!756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXpIKQcgzM
"That's all I need..."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKQtPimR8Z
"Wait!"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdjvDtlTtx
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjDZJYm4qZ
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzKMQz6T8VR
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlGmaNP5Ls
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUD55NbbH4q
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnj2JNxvNgX
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgzuxR6zWe
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrS2dGHR3Km
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRVWQfZO9V
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsWmQMjLzbU
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpfLrSgEqE
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlxA9nFxTkb
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQ9uULNUAF
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZMYHlg8Sv
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFUWE6GcfK
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOoIElGgwh
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6G3hjdOBE
(Sarah laughs)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8SO6gr6I69
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzGucHW2cf0
"Gosh Darn!"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGdE284hk8
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSC3Nm76WgG
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFn2EMn0mNg
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcN2cGGEda
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFfhJ5PBC9h
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nAN6BVk22
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdLK14ic6L
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyulER2hsY
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2h91cB0aK
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPD3b4nNfg
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Z2ScJcKX4
(Sarah says what)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePySNlbEzg
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAwsJjRCUH
(he laughs and Sarah winks)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0JwymbNTl
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1bGaCcosu
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEhT2MxGJq
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnTdVo45eA
(Keith laughs hard)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMEF2lHvYz
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JHjeiq82C
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7zOlNykjW
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBS9LN28Swd
Honey,756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZowqHYCnbP
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ739QMJ49PB
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BfKRXyffK
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dqASFv5Bp
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZozNaqelD
Keith says,756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrG2tPz4xa
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNhEt6jXSg
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsw3rQ7OyWk
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbxdCHk07Lm
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWfY8enrfq
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9wGg05udu1
"Ground beef!"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtYiw28ih4E
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6bbvzqViK
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXG21P8yGuQ
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22ZQUsFHLe
Lawsuits.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJed6H5SGLJ
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFb0VxBzEfv
Keith's friends knew him as the 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwg4IcedhsW
Clown Jester of Bakersville.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1erI8uCN0j
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡytlfo2jaNO
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFtGnCgDEo
Because he was so outstanding in his field!756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2kApWfuZN9
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YkEwPtvum
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIWjJMTOAW
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hqjJa6S6H
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡro5Vxr0Sr9
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhhTyVdThUv
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQ2aPnMurD
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTIn2KvPCWb
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpoohqiSPZL
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCiPUYR9DFn
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKp4aI2QJL
Having heard them all before, many times.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAbTG4RR5kU
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtq9ZoF7UI
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYAcXt2sGxq
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98jNzFnAWt
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2b3AK9wWHI
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJ0nq29IiY
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ380VqXK7Gz
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfL12rBDV7j
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6SDbE1lLNJ
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDFyZ7zjbi
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayLtzEVQ99
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zy8sBBlHE
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwsHqppFpO
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3tSDaXKt4
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKMtXL72WMN
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ZW2JufCk4
(audience chuckles)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1fOSulHps
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmwGy1kSFI
I haven't heard from him since.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDepQ2bGr3H
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWguod4QJw
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwJmSO3B9n
(audience laughing)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsek6MraVy
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwP3XyjRuGC
She still isn't talking to me.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLDgnt42HIu
(Keith smiles)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡod0EYIdcf8
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57IzeHIaV3
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapcE9pMQth
but I am on the fence!756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HJLeeqx0S
(audience laughing hard)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbl186xnu3s
[He gets on a roll]756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjziraZWfFv
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrHRu6A6Ow
She gave me a hug!756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAAHcjV7yZA
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmexg5J8VR
Hey!756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhdADLLB0z
What is the worst combination of illnesses?756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE8SUGaUFrI
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgB0YP0EhX7
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFW0Szwm2p
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUCDqH3LCXO
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32ciOCXJm2
How do you get a squirrel to like you?756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Pqe8iqFgY
Act like a nut.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYwMh5Vap0
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVZdDZTh1S
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtScJv4h7y
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcIBd0LNjfI
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISn7KYzUBy
So I Left.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkQE3If06y0
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOi5vrsqXx
"The steaks were pretty high!"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjcUybSA4n
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkRxo1BlG0I
Goodnight!"756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9XUUYlQUZa
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZR9JUReq2
He went home happier756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7cIRyfz0Nv
than he ever
Dreamed!756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkshJl2v82
756Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3IyfAWZsk
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.208da2
and then Add to home screen.