My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbeBFJWqkFw
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNI7iFRpft4
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxDanAJbO8
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0s4hrN5et
Hmm... 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡax1APY5idQ
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs8UxHY4Uo3
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxh5aNBuA05
"You can have have all the adult toys."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBmW3ViAnl
Except for the pecker enhancer!435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4GIBaUBhSP
"That's all I need..."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBs062yJJMK
"Wait!"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSgjsBLDLzP
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHugeBGntg
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc078XDs2Eu
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZRuP94h9W
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0aDEsdCmwT
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcm7sXlOcuP
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Wz95a7Ffm
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPChnvh1oy
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlmReGhdnTa
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7WEByMBUj
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhnwS8iM8sG
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9RtPo9yR42
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh2p7IUaO1W
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJduOjN7Sl
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTgLxwnuCC
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6y4bsY6QPl
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS90qsw4PKq
(Sarah laughs)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMPEH8h66n
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3seXBEikYB
"Gosh Darn!"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh8tyWmVr9U
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRI58LDD3yc
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDtwN5JYle
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZ938rL2nz
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1sbHZ5bjzm
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLMJRVk1n8
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrukdgYQxhq
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFm7Gix3QGY
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjuFpIr7eU
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP32kNRQ8Ab
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4tcQhj5OnU
(Sarah says what)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggeX9o9Pp9
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLCGsyb597
(he laughs and Sarah winks)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDT15eGDjy
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvan93oFVt
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ihPCMQLMq
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3c08Mq76e
(Keith laughs hard)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRSoGSbGqYo
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJAdcfxihR
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6l7eWAPXdR
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQ77GEZRwq
Honey,435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgS7bWyJaX
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImv7Fr8NuV
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVUOb5EI0d
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfOWwPkWF8
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUNVlhTVEQ
Keith says,435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6PIADbye2
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmNai21fdM
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQN1aFlKml
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnEywYUCBsk
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiGOcbjPot
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5i08dq8GZE
"Ground beef!"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTjoz9Cs5E
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAlNAn9UWi
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdK3Lm9hRYm
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSCf4BV8Cj
Lawsuits.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeE0HbA1mPP
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFQp8L9lTb
Keith's friends knew him as the 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUQVnRlLfx
Clown Jester of Bakersville.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjdPYm4fZd5
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWWmvhLOUsF
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIBsFwhvJc
Because he was so outstanding in his field!435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRXc2awof6V
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVz92ZeQ29s
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4pbjWtoo4a
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLTYXbrxi6H
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgxw1O1SpF
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIuWxNw4tPz
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMdIqbjLduF
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvA1FoKndR
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTCj5kBJOs
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjHA56vpxU
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZdS5F8lbQ
Having heard them all before, many times.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJNdapr6IhU
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡphTWE6SL6r
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8vrBSfc1O
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLGc8Jl686
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7N9xGn3fc
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIAcTXqJyR
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9iYmz3w7N
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KL4skDiYh
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAxuEIt5oBD
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkaCHwaAae
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWg0KkmaVu
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQBl3T9I9c
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUvftL6pEe
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6fN3Qlx1Jm
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQcTEcjFnBN
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcilVnZWsIH
(audience chuckles)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrk3PQJKpri
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡovtRXwAKnJ
I haven't heard from him since.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0E7xC9O3X
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NAXPpxpZG
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3GZLS1wfN
(audience laughing)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4m1kMzzq9
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ31d9xVQBwn
She still isn't talking to me.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cxR5rcxoT
(Keith smiles)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEO0hbpzNr
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NOaX8cjPt
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1zlhn6m6f
but I am on the fence!435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAoeV3ZSsRH
(audience laughing hard)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpbMenYRVA
[He gets on a roll]435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCpsY4aPSV
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkjjnUJwDuG
She gave me a hug!435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMLjibFZBTs
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSDBe095MRm
Hey!435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gLmlwzyX7
What is the worst combination of illnesses?435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyO6eKkTSuv
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSnjhuFq6Dq
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfpdxbXpBH
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRe90S3KPgp
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hGSD7W4G6
How do you get a squirrel to like you?435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr45aYPRvep
Act like a nut.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9viyAQ5Tx
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlzCzePpnDp
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKeGhToFBmA
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlR2qHUre4
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2QQy5gOju
So I Left.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3rlltoNbgg
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOemWzF2HpN
"The steaks were pretty high!"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMjO28cM5d
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaz4YexHMy5
Goodnight!"435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUlQWCku1D8
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG2BEZ2MXxN
He went home happier435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjAvl0FWwv
than he ever
Dreamed!435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsWQMlvcNa1
435Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6AYYQ8k7X
© Charles Kemp
ns18.191.36.245da2
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