「錯過了的十七歲，重返就沒有遺憾幺？」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTM4P9IeJyE
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二零二一年，孟冬。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtp5fJqNO2P
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冬日的暖陽是蒼空收藏已久的奢侈品，像一顆晶瑩剔透的黃寶石，美化了冬風的猖狂與凜冽。月台邊形形色色的旅客熙來攘往，火車鳴笛，伴隨著沒有溫度的廣播。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2shDTi9w7
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我踏上了返鄉列車。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpMXcJYCvCu
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回家的路對於在外打拼的青年來說是令人感動的， 但對於我來說其實還挺感傷，我懷念家門前的小白花，中學操場上的紅土，公園小溪裡的錦鯉，還有與我相視而笑的少年。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCP3ceqUNU
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但是每每想起，要把那段傷心往事再走一遍。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5WAOIiK6P
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外頭的景色隨車廂行駛裁剪成數幀快速飛逝的剪影，我盯著窗外發呆，沒注意到有人在我身旁的位子坐下。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxDrcMEK7M
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「墨染？」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrTDcKNPtw
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玻璃窗的反射映出他的輪廓有些模糊，我晃眼過去，對於他的意外出現很是驚訝。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXe0xfdOXD7
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「好久不見，很巧啊。你也要回家嗎？」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8UIrTqri7
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他笑得雲淡風輕，彷彿我們分開的日子只有四天而不是四年，彷彿高中消磨的歲月不過是浮光掠影。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj06QsGuXRy
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「嗯。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvsMd9B2WK4
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他有種說不上的改變，不是面容上，而是神態上的改變。那讓我有些不知所措的安心，望進他的深邃的眼就像撥開記憶湖面上紛繁的落葉，我還是無法忘卻令我傷心欲絕的少年。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkoVspXxYNt
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二零一七年，仲秋401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMQVhAYePwL
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人們總說青春是人生中最難忘的年華，十七歲的我們卻被埋在考卷堆裡，日復一日重複著同樣的生活。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5fFIlCn6BK
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墨染是無聊校園生活裡唯一的光，他笑起來像秋風一樣爽朗而舒適，說話時如同夕陽餘暉般迷人。我一直暗戀著他，上課的樂趣就是偷看他寫筆記的樣子，犯睏的樣子，和朋友聊天的樣子，打球的樣子，我幾乎把青春全部的目光都留給了他。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9hKo6sfhX
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真正熟識的契機是期中後換位子，他成為我的同桌，墨染像一般高中男生一樣會幼稚地捉弄我， 惹怒我，我卻不覺得討厭，可能戀愛的時候他不管做什麼我都喜歡吧。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm8naWVefTn
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每當他又讓我氣想揍他兩拳時，他總會把臉凑近，伸手揉揉我的頭，漾起爽朗笑意。原本停在空中的手就會瞬間失去力氣，臉頰不受控地泛起紅暈，羞澀地撇開視線。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhJ77jM35B
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有一次我數學考試不合格被老師留下來補考，回過神來發現教室只剩我隻身一人。天色已晚，黑漆漆的走廊陰森得嚇人，我僵在位子上不敢亂動，走也不是，留也不是，急得快要哭出來。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqZxZkyMkp
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「傻瓜，怕黑還不快走。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBS7Car4HAe
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聽見少年的聲音如同救贖，墨染插著口袋站在門前，走進來拎起我的書包，牽住我的手，一言不發地拉著我往外走。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9UGJnld9W
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霎那間心跳整個亂了節奏，我看見他背後衣領上露出的一小截後頸染成粉色，差點忍不住想上前擁抱他的衝動。那是第一次的皮膚接觸，就算彼此體溫都熱得發燙也捨不得鬆開。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLS1A6fam8
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「你怎麼還在學校？偷偷等我喔？」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtKjUl57wN
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暗黃街燈下把我們的影子拉得斜長，他的制服外套批在我身上，薄薄一件卻讓我全身充滿暖流般溫暖。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMvLCQAo3w
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我們肩並肩，輕輕試探。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAEw5IyrhJ
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「小自戀，我只是練球練比較晚而已。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp80oYBiu5W
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他開玩笑地把書包丢給我，露出嫌棄的表情。街燈下，我分明看見，他微紅的耳廓，與淺藏不住的笑意。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mxupOXF9W
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那天以後，就算沒有補考，他也依舊在校門口等我一起回家。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhjRGMniIp
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我其實不太清楚曖昧的確切時間，那一陣子，就算換了位置也不影響彼此的喜歡，回家後無論大小事都會傳訊息分享給彼此，講電話講到手機發燙是家常便飯。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOZHllHHCF
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我們會在操場上的梧桐樹下偷偷牽手，公園裏約會，家門前依依不捨的分別。那幾個月就像是我生命之河裡的金沙帶，幸福得難以忘懷。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkztOn3IY3
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「欸，剛剛隔壁班男生跟我要電話。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNwaaY4NWn
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「你給他啊，幹嘛跟我說？」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMUKXM7bLfG
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「你都不會吃醋一下喔？」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpFAt8Mk5Jx
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「我們又沒在一起，幹嘛吃醋？」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQeZJzEn6HB
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本來只是無聊的日常對話，我卻對他沒所謂的態度感到不滿，雖然知道他是無心的，但在感情裡人總是會把一些小事無限放大，誤解後陷進自己的胡思亂想。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9i9gJoJjZ1
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十七歲第一次談戀愛的我哪懂這些呢？我只是要他霸氣地搶過手機，把那人的號碼刪除，滿足我貪婪的虛榮心。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfcogEqTJwR
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為了賭氣，我故意不主動傳訊息，他打電話給我也不接，直到隔天早上，好像這樣就能讓自己好過一點。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapk2bLm3Be
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那時我還不知道，那通電話是我後悔一輩子也無法接起的遺憾，是青春急轉直下的催淚點。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJGPTd5nhG
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那天以後，我們傳訊息的頻率變少了，連電話也不太講，一開始以為他只是找了打工太忙碌而沒有時間，後來發現他在學校也有意無意的避開我，讓我有些不安。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAy0PhqwN43
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其他人打趣的問起我們什麼時候要交往的時候，我只是笑笑帶過，一邊觀察著他的反應。墨染也淺淺的笑了，我卻分不清他是因為覺得害羞而難為情而笑的，還是只是因為那句話很可笑所以笑的。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfCqlqXyfl
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「你還好嗎？感覺我們好久沒說話了。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2IlEObSYw
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「沒事啊。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4QsWIyYH3
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「你確定嗎？如果你不開心真的不要憋在心裡，什麼都可以跟我說。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFIJP6jwwo
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「真的啦，我沒事，不用擔心。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ586yLHzC41
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這是我們聊天紀錄裡最後的對話紀錄，不知何時開始，我和他講話變得小心翼翼，害怕他看我的眼神，有時他對我說話的語氣冷漠使我顫抖，又會在我快掉落懸崖的時候牽起我的手，把我拉回來。這樣曖昧不明的關係使我失去安全感，從前喜歡的那個美好少年，如今只能從記憶庫裡尋找有他的畫面，靠著曾經的回憶才能繼續喜歡著他。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6yzlwcWSf
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我知道，再這樣拖下去我們遲早會走散，於是我下定決心，在他生日當天跟他表白。由於他說他那天要打工，沒有過生日的打算，所以我策劃了一場驚喜給他，除了研究很久終於出來的手工蛋糕，還有精心準備的生日禮物，只要我別把告白搞砸，我相信這絕對是一場難忘的回憶。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlUuK5Fqq4
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晚上十點，在墨染下班之際，我早早備好蛋糕與禮物，藏在他家門口的轉角。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvOOXWtYDaT
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聽見腳步聲漸漸靠近，我輕輕探頭，深怕他會提前發現我，卻看見另一個女生走在他身邊。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESsrZsZaoX
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他們停在街燈下，太遠的距離使我聽不見他們的對話。我安慰著自己，那只是正好順路的朋友或同事罷了，沒什麼大不了的，沒什麼。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFhYCnJ5ArI
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當燈光閃爍的霎那，還來不及說服自己，我卻看見女孩墊起腳尖，吻上墨染的唇。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDTEnwui89
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那瞬間，手中的蛋糕隨著眼淚滑落到地上，彷彿世界上所有的痛都朝我襲來。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWIP8gO4HLh
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我看不下去，我怕我再多待一秒就會死，偏偏腳使不出力道，只好緊緊閉上眼睛。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYKadMByGu
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4vy33ZtZ2
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3uDEwyhC2
或許是本能驅使我遠離可能危害生命的地方，我是無意識地自己走回家，像靈魂出竅一樣。手機在口袋裡響個不停，連關掉的力氣都沒有。好吵，腦袋裡的聲音快要衝破耳膜，像要將我吞入萬劫不復的 悲傷當中，我的眼睛仍在發燒。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZ7oHqa3P9
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokjzIY9W51
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOISSGA6Pu
那是第一次感受到絕望，痛苦、心碎同時發生。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrgSdJPvMX
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Ta9OLfiXY
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnoR8CNSPd
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLnndvYk9Y
-401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqrSPUBE1EZ
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhuNoaS7ID
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NWxBHqz8N
那天以後我就沒見過墨染了，每天被低氣壓籠罩著，眼睛像是開關壞掉的水龍頭，總是沒來由地哭。我的家人不知道我發生什麼事，只知道我不想去學校，因此幫我辦了轉學。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8vDH9n60I
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmz7dPI8mf
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKkDSX4ruP
失戀這件事對別人來說可能是件無傷大雅的小事， 但對我來說卻是至今無法忘懷的沈痛。那一段日子裡我幾乎是掏出全部的自己去愛他，所以失去時才會如此痛徹心扉。四年過去了，回憶經過時間的療傷漸漸淡化，我依然無法走出來，只好把他藏進潘朵拉的盒子裡，只要不打開，就不會嚐到熏眼的刺痛。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYbjov78Cd
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrcLlxNOxs
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUu48vIPunp
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kIHiatttT
-401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkBLCZS4qh
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZAQyTqut6
回到二零二一年，火車駛進隧道，連同彼此的寂靜無聲駛進深處，我們沒有向彼此搭話，我知道不管說什麼都不合適，我們注定無法再有任何交集。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgEaw5EjxPx
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUXGBmNEoF
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9xUBXZGFP
「對不起。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzciOVIoNPF
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwOo7Pr7PQ
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDMfTbmF9B1
他還是說了，那句老套卻必要的道歉。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVt5VAEQKfM
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2eDdoi5Do
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxOY65L7zj
其實我們都不能怪罪誰，只怪那時候的自己太年輕，不知道該怎麼留住對方，使彼此的距離漸行漸遠。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGH7Vx2Jy67
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KjFTDo295
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38km2HyXsy
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcTpvPPktg
-401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhGrhViXTiJ
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuVbZVO9eyB
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsMfX7wKpgS
我沒有接起的那通電話，是他被媽媽徹底拋棄的那一晚。他是個缺愛的小孩，活在只有父母爭吵的童年裡，失去該有的疼愛，長大後再怎麼填也填不滿。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9ykDBn7Qi
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsmY0Td7BNR
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8btsmlEZMG
那晚他媽媽受不了經濟壓力要將他棄養，童年的創傷被再次挖開，我卻因為賭氣卻忽略了他忽需安慰的缺口。那時候他便不再相信我的愛，把重心移轉到另一個同桌的女同學，試著讓她愛上自己。他的確成功了，所以生日那天她才會情不自禁親吻他。當他發現他想要的不是這種愛時，已經太遲了，我走了，那些傳不出去的訊息在對話框裡像他填不滿的孤寂，無處安放的空虛至今依然塵埃未定。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAEmouOAHG0
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQxIhSErUS
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwL0HzliQgL
這些遭遇我後來都知道了，那又如何呢？傷害已經造成，我們只是在同個曖昧不明的地方交匯，到了夜晚還是個自墮落。要是那天我有接起他的電話，要是那時他誠實一點，向我說出心裡話，我們的結局是否會不一樣？401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wVteE4Ut2
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnp5EjjG4r
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFwfCtkIfo
我永遠不會知道，但我清楚明白我們已經不是那個 能夠用全力去愛，單純又青春的十七歲的自己了。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPp5nOwqWyN
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmGydqk2Vwm
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjP52TY5cDP
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2FzuRo7mW
-401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4DpMxoXrB
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwaGvoQgWj3
「沒事，以前的事就讓它過去吧。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM47s57I1Ik
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUBUaKafNG
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44mMM30PgY
我只敢透過玻璃折射看他的眼睛，我怕我又不小心跌進回憶裡。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Vqt0bD6J6
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVxtFxrLKb
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunUJQVDiI5
「我知道我這樣很自私，但這四年以來，我沒有一刻忘記妳，只有妳的愛能滋潤我的悲傷，我需要妳。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1k6mUffJp
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTz1GOFGIZC
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Nj7rfBjrW
我又何嘗不是呢？也只有他能讓我傷心絕透。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGyL4NiRWY
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8o274rVZc7
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsMuEZs6vo
他見我低下頭不語，便試著牽起我的手，把他的手覆在我之上。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWfBlTijxj
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjrR7CHlm5
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzaN6EQZZa
「我知道我給過妳傷害，我理解你不想與我有任何交集，但這四年我改變了，如果妳願意再給我一次機會，我會好好愛你。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNI7OMZJkg2
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8MOBPoPRrE
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEW3SnEXZa
「我們……還有機會從來嗎？」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuR9AKrUhR4
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXswIOqLPM3
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKLGQCCcaP
我抽開他覆上的手。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPlVvXH7M5
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡss8Ss3RM7n
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpq1ZkSglFH
「夠了，墨染，我們已經錯過了。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wDE1G9T4Y
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfRoOZYy5xr
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpbHwq9T2U
抬起頭的瞬間，我知道我的水龍頭又壞了。他看見我佈滿血絲的雙眼，有些詫異。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWv6qeQhPQZ
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBGidK8rskM
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0dGzInvhGa
「你知道嗎，命運在一生中只有一次義無反顧的機會，四年前我們就已經錯過了。我們早就失去能夠為愛叛逆的勇氣，再回頭剩下的只有狼狽。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsWwgvk2V7E
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOKZu6UWMh
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAeOaf9Ov1u
「離開你的一分一秒對我來說都是殘酷至極的折磨，我害怕再回到我們居住過的城市，害怕觸景傷情，害怕又夢見你。我知道，重新擁有過後，我也只會害怕再次失去的痛苦，終日活在不安裡。最好的結局，就是放過彼此，過好自己的生活。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhGmDP6ZBD
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ10JHLpyq0
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2oGXhLRJs
「我們都別再浪費彼此的時間好嗎？」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXDt53jjlbB
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVZwqtA78p
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmn6pY6RNq7
他沉默，終點站即將到達。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hKoCNosVv
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5kiAoANYCh
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XS7runhvi
下車時，我向他禮貌性的點頭道別，他也向我點頭，眼裡盛滿了十七歲那年的濃濃秋意。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJtaCvOQ6u
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfLKGFj8lP
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtb3Orw5kEJ
我們都帶著寂寞和遺憾走下不再回頭的列車，終將背朝著彼此，向回憶告別，邁向新的旅程。401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7o7pSuRkGC
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTx4qpJHYFN
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe78Vr24Vn0
「這輩子就陪你到這了。」401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mlDmPD4Lu
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwE4fvQIz9F
401Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ354VL3TikA
END.
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