'Ello Traveler!
Just finished up "The Last Gods" and I liked it. Here's my critique:
If you classify it as a screenplay instead of a story, I believe your story will garner a much larger audience than it has already. Most folks looking for a cohesive story are not going to abide such a departure in normative style that's found in your story's formatting. However, those who like and prefer to read their stories as screenplays will feel right at home in your dialog and short, italicized descriptions. In fact, you may find better feedback amongst that crowd.
As for the content, you have incredible technical prowess. I found only a handful of typos for every chapter. There were some inconsistencies found in the text as far as when you felt it appropriate to use either [:] or [-] before characters spoke, but that can be easily overlooked if a reader is just in it for the story.
The story itself is interesting and the world is fleshed out despite there being very little description or transition between the dialog moments (I feel this is indicative of you letting the reader fill in the blanks--and that's a pretty mature skill to have as a writer and I applaud you for it), but sometimes I felt like some of the characters sort of blended together. Kate and Arrea could be consolidated into one really strong character in my opinion, but this is minor and didn't really distract me--it's just something I noticed about their dialog/reactions.
The creatures/monsters/adversaries to hand didn't really feel uniquely divine to me. Not to spoil it for anyone who hasn't read it yet, but some of them were token supernaturals and I feel like you could have either (1) renamed them to suit your world's lore or (2) given them strange/unique abilities to help separate them from the expected.
All in all though, I enjoyed what I read of your work and I'm looking forward to what else you have in store for Hashi and the gang! Changing the genre to screenplay will get you that larger audience you deserve, and reevaluating the need for such a large cast of characters may help streamline things in the long game (but those are just suggestions--I'm not your boss :D )
@Blondemaverick, Thank you for the amazing feedback! I will take your advice and change it to a screenplay. I'm writing this as a game script so I hope changing it to screenplay will convey that.
Two questions, can you elaborate on what you said about Kate and Arrea, how can I improve them?
In your last paragraph, about the cast numbers, do you mean I should decrease the amount of characters? I have been thinking of doing that so your input could help me decide.
Just finished up "The Last Gods" and I liked it. Here's my critique:
If you classify it as a screenplay instead of a story, I believe your story will garner a much larger audience than it has already. Most folks looking for a cohesive story are not going to abide such a departure in normative style that's found in your story's formatting. However, those who like and prefer to read their stories as screenplays will feel right at home in your dialog and short, italicized descriptions. In fact, you may find better feedback amongst that crowd.
As for the content, you have incredible technical prowess. I found only a handful of typos for every chapter. There were some inconsistencies found in the text as far as when you felt it appropriate to use either [:] or [-] before characters spoke, but that can be easily overlooked if a reader is just in it for the story.
The story itself is interesting and the world is fleshed out despite there being very little description or transition between the dialog moments (I feel this is indicative of you letting the reader fill in the blanks--and that's a pretty mature skill to have as a writer and I applaud you for it), but sometimes I felt like some of the characters sort of blended together. Kate and Arrea could be consolidated into one really strong character in my opinion, but this is minor and didn't really distract me--it's just something I noticed about their dialog/reactions.
The creatures/monsters/adversaries to hand didn't really feel uniquely divine to me. Not to spoil it for anyone who hasn't read it yet, but some of them were token supernaturals and I feel like you could have either (1) renamed them to suit your world's lore or (2) given them strange/unique abilities to help separate them from the expected.
All in all though, I enjoyed what I read of your work and I'm looking forward to what else you have in store for Hashi and the gang! Changing the genre to screenplay will get you that larger audience you deserve, and reevaluating the need for such a large cast of characters may help streamline things in the long game (but those are just suggestions--I'm not your boss :D )
Best of luck and keep up the stellar work!!!
Two questions, can you elaborate on what you said about Kate and Arrea, how can I improve them?
In your last paragraph, about the cast numbers, do you mean I should decrease the amount of characters? I have been thinking of doing that so your input could help me decide.