Hi there.I really enjoyed your story and think that it is a very imaginative idea. However, I think you could slow your story down a bit and add some more details into the story.It would have been great to know more about Vitae and his brothers. What type of personalities do they have? Are some kind? Are some meaner than others? Does Vitae have a favourite brother? I think it would help if you added some of this in.You also have some common mistakes which are easily fixable, there are a few places where you have misspelled words or have put two full stops.A bit of a punctuation tip. When you write dialogue you begin with a capital letter, which I believe you do, as it is the beginning of a sentence. At the end of the dialogue, inside of your closing quote you use either a full stop or a common. You use a full stop when: EXAMPLE - "Why would she say that." She crossed her arms over her chest. The full stop is used because the dialogue is a whole sentence. Outside of the dialogue you capitalize the first word as it is a new sentence and what the character does is an action and not a speech tag.You use a common when:EXAMPLE - "Why would she say that," said Amelia.The comma is used because after the closing dialogue you are specifying who spoke.Also, if your character laughs or cries they are considered actions and not speech tags.I hope that is clear.Well done on your story. Is there more? I hope so.
Hi, thank you for the comments and advice :-) I'll go back over it and study my grammar - I'm usually writing it on my commute...
But I'm glad you've enjoyed the read so far. But don't worry more will come, the story is set out for a game so explanations are sort of dragged out...
Vitae will come to meet all his brothers, again, and we have yet to meet some more of the Wanderers - each brother will have at least one issue, the encounter, and another issue in the series will give reasons for Vitae's actions towards the brother (for example the fight and the forest fire)
Maybe not all of them are evil, I haven't yet decided, but certainly something isn't right back home.
I hope you stick around, and I try sort out my dialogue :P
But I'm glad you've enjoyed the read so far.
But don't worry more will come, the story is set out for a game so explanations are sort of dragged out...
Vitae will come to meet all his brothers, again, and we have yet to meet some more of the Wanderers - each brother will have at least one issue, the encounter, and another issue in the series will give reasons for Vitae's actions towards the brother (for example the fight and the forest fire)
Maybe not all of them are evil, I haven't yet decided, but certainly something isn't right back home.
I hope you stick around, and I try sort out my dialogue :P