I really like this piece. But first, let me get a few things straight, just to make sure I'm understanding correctly. The gist of what I understood from this was that the girl was outside a club on a roof and fell. Either that, or she was outside a club and walked out onto the street and got hit by a car. Actually, I'm going with the second one. Did I get that right? As for the actual writing, I like your use of disconnected sentences (don't know if I used the right word or not). Because they weren't compounded together, it gave the story a sort of staccato effect, like the main character's thoughts corresponded to her heartbeat or something. (Did that even make sense?) Your grammar is actually really good, except in dialogue. I could try explaining what needs to be fixed, but you could probably look that up (and it will probably make more sense that way). Other than the slight confusion and the dialogue (even though there isn't really anyone else talking), I really like this. Your take on someone's last moments before death was really intriguing. If you ever decide to expand on this, let me know so I can read it! (But don't feel like you have to write more about this, either. I always love a good short story.)
Hey there, Thanks so much for reading.When I first wrote this,I had intended for it to be a OD/black out, in my head I believe it was a result of mixing to many substances in her system, though I did not think to elaborate on it. I was more focused on the hallucination/supernatural encounter with death she had after the fact. This was actually based on a personal experience. I was trying to draw on the sensation that one moment a person can feel totally normal, or so they think, and then the next moment they realize they are literally staring down death's door. I am glad the broken up sentences were still understandable. I was hoping to play on the idea of panic which is probably why it had the heart beat feeling you mentioned. Thanks again. Now I have an idea of what to work on, if I decide to expand on this piece. Feel free to leave more pointers on any of my other work (not that I have that many on here). It's much appreciated.
Oh, that makes sense. Haha, I should've guessed it (or at least gotten a hint) from that line about not taking any more drugs. And yeah, I do think it was better to focus on the hallucination aspect of it. I'll definitely take a look at your other work when I have time. :)
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The gist of what I understood from this was that the girl was outside a club on a roof and fell. Either that, or she was outside a club and walked out onto the street and got hit by a car. Actually, I'm going with the second one. Did I get that right?
As for the actual writing, I like your use of disconnected sentences (don't know if I used the right word or not). Because they weren't compounded together, it gave the story a sort of staccato effect, like the main character's thoughts corresponded to her heartbeat or something. (Did that even make sense?) Your grammar is actually really good, except in dialogue. I could try explaining what needs to be fixed, but you could probably look that up (and it will probably make more sense that way).
Other than the slight confusion and the dialogue (even though there isn't really anyone else talking), I really like this. Your take on someone's last moments before death was really intriguing. If you ever decide to expand on this, let me know so I can read it! (But don't feel like you have to write more about this, either. I always love a good short story.)
I am glad the broken up sentences were still understandable. I was hoping to play on the idea of panic which is probably why it had the heart beat feeling you mentioned.
Thanks again. Now I have an idea of what to work on, if I decide to expand on this piece. Feel free to leave more pointers on any of my other work (not that I have that many on here). It's much appreciated.