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SazzyAuzzy
I really enjoyed this piece but I was a little confused. As another person has commented, she thought the girl fell off a roof or got hit by a car but I didn't pick any of that up. Going back and reading after I read that comment I did pick up her getting hit by a car though. I feel you need to make it a bit more obvious, don't spit it straight out and say she was hit by a car but just use some good adjectives to describe how it felt when she got hit. What did the car feel like? Metal? Rough. Just a little more detail into that would'be helped me to understand it better.The next thing is a few times in your sentences you repeated certain words. For example you used the combination 'filled my' in one sentence and straight again in the next sentence. It isn't a massive issue when it comes to writing but I have been taught that repetitive writing like that is clunky and can annoy the reader, unless you use repetition like that to emphasis a point, it is suggested that you try to avoid it.I do like the story though. It was interesting and it intrigued me and made me want to read on. Well done.
8 年前
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