I see we're getting into the action now. I like that Charlotte isn't able to escape her fate. I'm not a huge fan of the huge "Oh, wait, I'm suddenly powerful!" coincidences, and you avoided that really well. :)
I think the choppy sentences could be used better in different parts of the chapter still, but that's more of a personal preference. I guess I just don't like breaking up the flow unless it improves the narrative significantly.
The dialogue is a bit unnatural. For instance, Charlotte's response to the man talking about his clients talking about her does not flow well at all, in my opinion.
Your grammar still needs work, but I won't go into more detail unless you want me to. Also, sometimes the description is weird and out of place. (For instance, the way Charlotte describes the bodybuilders. It doesn't really fit what I think her personality is, but there isn't much to gauge it from, so I could be wrong.)
I like the reveal at the end. Your story idea is excellent even if the execution isn't perfect. I think it would have been nice if this was actually a part of the first chapter, though, but that's definitely a personal preference. :)
I think the choppy sentences could be used better in different parts of the chapter still, but that's more of a personal preference. I guess I just don't like breaking up the flow unless it improves the narrative significantly.
The dialogue is a bit unnatural. For instance, Charlotte's response to the man talking about his clients talking about her does not flow well at all, in my opinion.
Your grammar still needs work, but I won't go into more detail unless you want me to. Also, sometimes the description is weird and out of place. (For instance, the way Charlotte describes the bodybuilders. It doesn't really fit what I think her personality is, but there isn't much to gauge it from, so I could be wrong.)
I like the reveal at the end. Your story idea is excellent even if the execution isn't perfect. I think it would have been nice if this was actually a part of the first chapter, though, but that's definitely a personal preference. :)