I hope you don't mind, but, as you seem to be a serious writer (what with all of the accomplishments you have), I've decided to try to do a full review of this piece. Forgive me if I don't do well or offend you. The latter is not my intention at all; I see plenty of potential and want to do my best to help you improve. (In fact, I'll take this comment down if you don't want it here.) Anyway, here I go.
I like the effect of the first sentence. Short, concise, and intriguing. However, it is severely distracting that you used the wrong word. I believe you mean "inseparable" instead of "inspirable." Spelling gets to even the best of us, I suppose.
The intro as a whole is…nice and informative, I suppose, but somewhat bland because there is too much information being dumped on the reader. I could be wrong, but Simon's and Belle's birth years don't seem to be crucial to the storyline, nor do their full names (except maybe Simon's) as well as their parents' names. That kind of information is good for the writer to know to make the characters more complete in her mind, but the reader might not need to know, as it can be distracting from the main storyline. I did like reading about how inseparable Simon and Belle were when they were children because that gave me insight to their characters instead of just listed facts for me. I just wish that part had been expanded upon sooner.
By the way, I enjoyed that bit about Belle being born at a birthday party. I happened to think that was absolutely hilarious and original. I wonder whose birthday she shares, haha.
I noticed a few run-on sentences. Don't forget to use commas along with conjunctions to form compound sentences or to use them to set off parenthetical clauses in a sentence, especially the middle of one. Also, the sentence "I didn't see towards cars through the eyes of my brother" is awkward and actually doesn't make sense (to me, but perhaps we speak different dialects and it makes sense to you). Perhaps the word "towards" was meant to be deleted? In the paragraph after, as well, the word "through" in "[t]hrough our differences" doesn't quite make sense. I think "despite" would have been a better word choice.
Simon's and Belle's relationship is absolutely adorable. I would have liked to see more specific glimpses of their past, perhaps her recounting a memory? That would have been nice to read about.
By the way, the most accepted abbreviation of ID is, well, ID, but if you want to use periods, I would suggest having one after each letter (I.D.). Also, your capitalization is a little off. I'm not sure about the capitalization of things like "police" and "primary school" because you're from the UK while I'm from the US, but I know that if you can substitute a name without it sounding weird, then words like father/mother/etc. should actually be capitalized. For example, "The look on Mother's face…" as opposed to "The look on mother's face…"
His suicide really breaks my heart, however. It's unclear exactly why he died because we haven't been told how he let anyone down, probably because Belle doesn't know herself. And I think that's utterly heartbreaking. I love the way you portrayed Belle's emotions. Belle's own voice actually grew a little stronger at this point. Perhaps it is because the focus was turned toward developing her character rather than listing facts about her past.
Belle's decline and then her plans to commit suicide make a very powerful statement about the aftermath of a suicide. Despite all of my nitpicking, which I hope you won't take to heart, I really enjoyed the message that you conveyed. I think it's absolutely tragic when people don't think that their deaths will affect anyone because they will, and you did a very good job explaining that through this piece. Your writing style is enjoyable to read, though I think you have potential to grow so much.
I'm sorry for this monster of a comment, by the way. I just thought that your writing deserved to receive my full opinion. I hope to see more of your work like this. :)
This is a really thoughtful review..:) Yes, I agree Belle and Simon's inseparable bond is deep and adorable, but tragic. I would like to know more about their moments with each other too :') The power of their relationship is very heartfelt, and it was portrayed strongly through the effect Simon's death had on Belle. A very moving and powerful piece!
Thanks so much for taking time out of your day to read and review my story, I've taken all of your feedback on board and have worked today on re-writing The Brother I Lost with your feedback in mind. I've now updated it with a new version. I'm from the UK but my written English isn't perfect. Without wanting to make a ton of excuses, I was told one thing by an English teacher only to have another one contradict the thing that my English teacher told me so I do tend to get confused sometimes with grammar. I hope that the newer version is somewhat... cleaner (I don't know if that's the appropriate word to say or not) but thanks again for your help. I really wish for more constructive criticism as on Wattpad, my fanbase are lovely but don't help me improve a lot as there are minimal constructive comments. Scarlett :)
@once upon a star, Thanks for your feedback too. I've since replaced the old version of The Brother I Lost with a newer version taking your feedback on board. :)
@ScarlettRoseLondon, No problem. I'm actually a huge grammar freak, the kind that looks up obscure grammar rules just in case. I would have hated having teachers that contradicted each other, by the way. You write really well despite of that. I am looking forward to reading the new version. (But considering the fact that I should be getting ready to leave, now might not be the best time, haha.)
@Aretice N. Treader, I had four different English teachers in three years and all of them said different things which wasn't all that helpful. Thanks so much, looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the new version later :)
I like the effect of the first sentence. Short, concise, and intriguing. However, it is severely distracting that you used the wrong word. I believe you mean "inseparable" instead of "inspirable." Spelling gets to even the best of us, I suppose.
The intro as a whole is…nice and informative, I suppose, but somewhat bland because there is too much information being dumped on the reader. I could be wrong, but Simon's and Belle's birth years don't seem to be crucial to the storyline, nor do their full names (except maybe Simon's) as well as their parents' names. That kind of information is good for the writer to know to make the characters more complete in her mind, but the reader might not need to know, as it can be distracting from the main storyline. I did like reading about how inseparable Simon and Belle were when they were children because that gave me insight to their characters instead of just listed facts for me. I just wish that part had been expanded upon sooner.
By the way, I enjoyed that bit about Belle being born at a birthday party. I happened to think that was absolutely hilarious and original. I wonder whose birthday she shares, haha.
I noticed a few run-on sentences. Don't forget to use commas along with conjunctions to form compound sentences or to use them to set off parenthetical clauses in a sentence, especially the middle of one. Also, the sentence "I didn't see towards cars through the eyes of my brother" is awkward and actually doesn't make sense (to me, but perhaps we speak different dialects and it makes sense to you). Perhaps the word "towards" was meant to be deleted? In the paragraph after, as well, the word "through" in "[t]hrough our differences" doesn't quite make sense. I think "despite" would have been a better word choice.
Simon's and Belle's relationship is absolutely adorable. I would have liked to see more specific glimpses of their past, perhaps her recounting a memory? That would have been nice to read about.
By the way, the most accepted abbreviation of ID is, well, ID, but if you want to use periods, I would suggest having one after each letter (I.D.). Also, your capitalization is a little off. I'm not sure about the capitalization of things like "police" and "primary school" because you're from the UK while I'm from the US, but I know that if you can substitute a name without it sounding weird, then words like father/mother/etc. should actually be capitalized. For example, "The look on Mother's face…" as opposed to "The look on mother's face…"
His suicide really breaks my heart, however. It's unclear exactly why he died because we haven't been told how he let anyone down, probably because Belle doesn't know herself. And I think that's utterly heartbreaking. I love the way you portrayed Belle's emotions. Belle's own voice actually grew a little stronger at this point. Perhaps it is because the focus was turned toward developing her character rather than listing facts about her past.
Belle's decline and then her plans to commit suicide make a very powerful statement about the aftermath of a suicide. Despite all of my nitpicking, which I hope you won't take to heart, I really enjoyed the message that you conveyed. I think it's absolutely tragic when people don't think that their deaths will affect anyone because they will, and you did a very good job explaining that through this piece. Your writing style is enjoyable to read, though I think you have potential to grow so much.
I'm sorry for this monster of a comment, by the way. I just thought that your writing deserved to receive my full opinion. I hope to see more of your work like this. :)