Okay so besides the typos and grammatical errors, you need to space out the dialogue. So whenever a new person is talking start a new paragraph. The thing that I liked about this paragraph was that it was very relatable. Although I don't have an older sister, there's always that one super slutty girl that thinks she's so damn cool. Lol. Fix those grammatical and spelling errors and you'll be good to go. Be sure to hit my story up. https://www.penana.com/story/61961/falling-ongoing/toc