Intense cliffhanger! So far, I really like this story (also all the plant names for the characters were nice) Cardamon's really cool, and so is Bergamot (he's funny.) I would suggest that character dialogue should be on their own line.
EX: "You two newlyweds got lost?" [...]
"Yes, we are lost," Cardamon says.
Having all the characters' dialogue made it a little harder to read, that's all. Sometimes the tense switches from past tense to present tense. (EX: "I tear my gaze away from the brooch, meeting Cardamon's cross face. She cocked her head to the stairs, and I nod.) I would suggest keeping it consistent.
Last, this is a minor one - character dialogue that follows with 'he/she said' or something like that should end with a comma before a quotation mark. EX: "We should go to sleep while it's still dark Cardamon,"I whispered.
But that's really all, and they're minor errors. Overall, this story's really great and I'll definitely be reading more of it! Keep writing, Toast.org!
I would suggest that character dialogue should be on their own line.
EX:
"You two newlyweds got lost?" [...]
"Yes, we are lost," Cardamon says.
Having all the characters' dialogue made it a little harder to read, that's all. Sometimes the tense switches from past tense to present tense. (EX: "I tear my gaze away from the brooch, meeting Cardamon's cross face. She cocked her head to the stairs, and I nod.) I would suggest keeping it consistent.
Last, this is a minor one - character dialogue that follows with 'he/she said' or something like that should end with a comma before a quotation mark.
EX: "We should go to sleep while it's still dark Cardamon," I whispered.
But that's really all, and they're minor errors. Overall, this story's really great and I'll definitely be reading more of it! Keep writing, Toast.org!