You should delete the words that aren't necessary to the sentence, they just alter the flow of the sentences. - Abigail Windsor is the daughter of a wealthy business tycoon. On the day of her eleventh birthday, a terrible accident happens. The Butler who has been serving their family for three generations is put out of commission. When a new butler is hired, Abigail begins to realise that something is off about him- but she is the only one. Fearing the worst, she suspects a grim conspiracy. (then what? What are the consequences? Does she fear for her life, does she work with the old butler to crack the case? What is going to hook the reader and make them read on?)