Omg I don't know what I was expecting but it certainly wasn't this and it's good. Just who is Lyon? Well, I gotta find out for myself then *scrolls the next chapter*
There's only one thing I have to say that is really something to work on. Maybe try to show and not tell. The essential details that work with the plot and character development can be kept, but other descriptions might not be needed. Otherwise, the plot and characters draw the reader in and the intro really gives some background on the character, which is really good! Great start to the story!
So, here are my thoughts so far. The main character is easy to dive into as our narrator and the pacing to me felt just near perfection if not just a little bit too fast. I did not feel I got to really ease myself into her world and really see and sense what she sensed. A little more world building and descriptions of her environment, and perhaps also the characters. Unless you are choosing to let the reader fill in visual details of the characters for themselves, it can still help to note important details about characters appearance or describe their mannerisms.
However, the story itself is interesting enough that I want to keep reading to find out more which is good. So near the end of the first chapter make the tension really come alive because you want your reader to keep going. They want to know whether or not the MC will be safe, who is this threat, and what not.
Overall this is a good start, good characters, and an interesting idea that I can already I think see themes of Good vs. Evil, Right and Wrong, and from the intro I believe some religious themes and morality. Keep it going and keep in mind to build your setting and flesh out characters :D
Thank you so much for such a long review!!! I just finished reviewing your story and its like, a third of the length of yours :/ anyways, I really appreciate this, and I'll definitely be keeping your comments in mind when I write the next chapter!! Maybe I'll even edit the first few first :) Thanks again!
... Nothing I could say hasn't already been said!
However, the story itself is interesting enough that I want to keep reading to find out more which is good. So near the end of the first chapter make the tension really come alive because you want your reader to keep going. They want to know whether or not the MC will be safe, who is this threat, and what not.
Overall this is a good start, good characters, and an interesting idea that I can already I think see themes of Good vs. Evil, Right and Wrong, and from the intro I believe some religious themes and morality. Keep it going and keep in mind to build your setting and flesh out characters :D