I noticed some things like the repetition of "her" being used a lot although the readers now know that the main character's object of affection is Aya. Perhaps you could refrain from using the word "her" too much? I mean, it seemed to me that when you emphasized on it, it's like he's not talking about Aya at all when he was definitely referring to her (I hope I'm not mistaken on this part). Besides that, among other things that I picked out, there's this part:
"The sister said, they had a very long and fun (according to the little sister) girls' talk." It's already mentioned that the sister had already said that so there's no need for it to be repeated in brackets. The grammar mistakes were here and there but you can definitely fix that in no time.
That aside, I like that part about the Orion constellation as well as the character's struggle about the dilemma that he had (which was described in the previous chapter). I'm just stating my opinion and it's not in any way meant to be a harsh one. The story definitely has a potential to be better and I'd like to see how it will progress. Keep it up :)
"The sister said, they had a very long and fun (according to the little sister) girls' talk." It's already mentioned that the sister had already said that so there's no need for it to be repeated in brackets. The grammar mistakes were here and there but you can definitely fix that in no time.
That aside, I like that part about the Orion constellation as well as the character's struggle about the dilemma that he had (which was described in the previous chapter). I'm just stating my opinion and it's not in any way meant to be a harsh one. The story definitely has a potential to be better and I'd like to see how it will progress. Keep it up :)
Ah, right about that, i forgot the delete the first three words. I forgot to write it down on my to-edit notes. I'll be more thorough later.
No, really thank you. It mean so much to me that someone actually read my story. You're opinions are worth as gold. It really drives me forward.
Beside, I am not a fan of sweets. Sugercoated words in fact discourages me. I rather receive evertyhing the way it is. Thanks :)