Yeah the short sentences was what i was going for coming from the perspective of a 23 year old male with no writing experience. But i guess if it sounds awkward ill fix it. 

I tried fixing it btw

@RampantStrawberry, I rechecked it. Sounds better. Actually, I like the idea of him not knowing how to write as well. You could probably capitalize on that by having him mention that in the beginning if you wanted. Maybe something along the lines of:

"Hello, my name is (insert name). I'm twenty-three. Writing isn't really something I do a lot of. I spent a good amount of time in the army, so writing wouldn't be something I would say is a strong point of mine. With that out of the way, I do have something that happened to me that I think you're show could be interested in."

Obviously, that's just a quick example I threw together, and by no means should you feel pressured to do that. Just thought I'd offer the suggestion just in case that was something you would want to do.

Regardless, I still think the story's good. 🙂

@Jay Ellis, yeah, I put a little bit in the beginning to show how he doesn't write a lot. thank u for the criticism. 

@RampantStrawberry, Perfect! I like it. It's a good setup. However, don't feel like I was only criticizing you. I really did enjoy the story, and your plot idea is quite exciting. :)

@Jay Ellis, Aw thank you! It took some time hehe