...control over the gaze (that's) always... I think you need to add the word, that's.
a pair of my (shorts or briefs) vice panties? This is a guy speaking, (Daith) right? And not a cross dresser. Sorry if I'm confused, its getting late here.
You change the pronoun from "She" stood there... to "He" stood in front of me (in the 2nd paragraph following. At this point the pronouns are not clearly referenced, or maybe incorrect. In any case, I'm feeling some gender confusion. I know Matt is somewhere in this part of the story. But he doesn't enter the room until the next paragraph. I apologise if I missed something.
I'll come back if I('m) bother(ing you), Somethings missing here. The pace of this sentence is too slow: "It was like that test was what divided us into groups." The combination of it, that and what are multiplying the vaguness of each other. I came to a complete halt while reading.
"unbirthday" that awesome, I love it.
I think superior becomes a title the way you use it: "They're all staring at us, superior." If so, it should be capitalized.
Matt dragged Deena behind is better English than Deena wass dragged behind by Matt.
A few warning bangs (shots) grazed the small craft.
unbeknownst is very old English. Maybe out of place here.
然後按「加至主畫面」
Instead of "let out" try "betrayed."
...control over the gaze (that's) always... I think you need to add the word, that's.
a pair of my (shorts or briefs) vice panties? This is a guy speaking, (Daith) right? And not a cross dresser. Sorry if I'm confused, its getting late here.
You change the pronoun from "She" stood there... to "He" stood in front of me (in the 2nd paragraph following. At this point the pronouns are not clearly referenced, or maybe incorrect. In any case, I'm feeling some gender confusion. I know Matt is somewhere in this part of the story. But he doesn't enter the room until the next paragraph. I apologise if I missed something.
I'll come back if I('m) bother(ing you), Somethings missing here.
The pace of this sentence is too slow: "It was like that test was what divided us into groups." The combination of it, that and what are multiplying the vaguness of each other. I came to a complete halt while reading.
"unbirthday" that awesome, I love it.
I think superior becomes a title the way you use it: "They're all staring at us, superior." If so, it should be capitalized.
Matt dragged Deena behind is better English than Deena wass dragged behind by Matt.
A few warning bangs (shots) grazed the small craft.
unbeknownst is very old English. Maybe out of place here.