I see we're getting into the action now. I like that Charlotte isn't able to escape her fate. I'm not a huge fan of the huge "Oh, wait, I'm suddenly powerful!" coincidences, and you avoided that really well. :)
I think the choppy sentences could be used better in different parts of the chapter still, but that's more of a personal preference. I guess I just don't like breaking up the flow unless it improves the narrative significantly.
The dialogue is a bit unnatural. For instance, Charlotte's response to the man talking about his clients talking about her does not flow well at all, in my opinion.
Your grammar still needs work, but I won't go into more detail unless you want me to. Also, sometimes the description is weird and out of place. (For instance, the way Charlotte describes the bodybuilders. It doesn't really fit what I think her personality is, but there isn't much to gauge it from, so I could be wrong.)
I like the reveal at the end. Your story idea is excellent even if the execution isn't perfect. I think it would have been nice if this was actually a part of the first chapter, though, but that's definitely a personal preference. :)
"The putrid stench of burning corpses and homeless people who haven't showered in months hit me as soon as I returned to consciousness." -Okay, so there's nothing wrong technically, but I have another personal opinion. Haha, I have a lot of those... "The putrid stench of burning corpses and homeless people who haven't showered in months hit me as soon as I gained consciousness." The end just sounds better to me, personally, but it's whatever you think. :)
"Finally, after what felt like centuries worthless trying to get free from the binds at my hands and feet, I was reintroduced to the rotten world." -There's just one thing that I think is off, so... "Finally, after what felt like centuries worthlessly trying to get free from the binds on my hands and feet, I was reintroduced to the rotten world."
Okay, pay attention to how many times you said "me." You said it 3 times with only 3-5 words in between them. That sounds very redundant when you read it that way. "They removed my sack, revealing what I had suspected, a circle of men surrounding me, pointing their guns right at me. They expected me to somehow work magic and take out twenty men with rifles pointed right at my head." So maybe you should try: "They removed my sack, revealing what I had suspected, a circle of men with guns surrounding me with at gunpoint. They expected some sort of magic to escape me and take out the twenty men with rifles pointed at my head."
That's a very good chapter, I adore your writing style and how you're able to engage readers so well. You're fantastic, you make me jealous. Haha! :D Great, great job, you leave your chapters with a suspenseful ending and it's great. Amazing job. Don't stop this work, it's really great. :)
I think the choppy sentences could be used better in different parts of the chapter still, but that's more of a personal preference. I guess I just don't like breaking up the flow unless it improves the narrative significantly.
The dialogue is a bit unnatural. For instance, Charlotte's response to the man talking about his clients talking about her does not flow well at all, in my opinion.
Your grammar still needs work, but I won't go into more detail unless you want me to. Also, sometimes the description is weird and out of place. (For instance, the way Charlotte describes the bodybuilders. It doesn't really fit what I think her personality is, but there isn't much to gauge it from, so I could be wrong.)
I like the reveal at the end. Your story idea is excellent even if the execution isn't perfect. I think it would have been nice if this was actually a part of the first chapter, though, but that's definitely a personal preference. :)
"The putrid stench of burning corpses and homeless people who haven't showered in months hit me as soon as I gained consciousness." The end just sounds better to me, personally, but it's whatever you think. :)
"Finally, after what felt like centuries worthless trying to get free from the binds at my hands and feet, I was reintroduced to the rotten world." -There's just one thing that I think is off, so...
"Finally, after what felt like centuries worthlessly trying to get free from the binds on my hands and feet, I was reintroduced to the rotten world."
Okay, pay attention to how many times you said "me." You said it 3 times with only 3-5 words in between them. That sounds very redundant when you read it that way.
"They removed my sack, revealing what I had suspected, a circle of men surrounding me, pointing their guns right at me. They expected me to somehow work magic and take out twenty men with rifles pointed right at my head."
So maybe you should try:
"They removed my sack, revealing what I had suspected, a circle of men with guns surrounding me with at gunpoint. They expected some sort of magic to escape me and take out the twenty men with rifles pointed at my head."
That's a very good chapter, I adore your writing style and how you're able to engage readers so well. You're fantastic, you make me jealous. Haha! :D Great, great job, you leave your chapters with a suspenseful ending and it's great. Amazing job. Don't stop this work, it's really great. :)